Mike posner episode 5

I so Heart him Christmas gift just rap him up lol...no seriously

Puma presents: "One Foot Out The Door" Episode 5: University of Michigan from Mike Posner on Vimeo.

NIO tha Gift

I'm late on the music but the cinematography in this artist profile video is crazy I LOVE IT!!!!

Fuck holidays!!!

I'm a cancer FYI for an hot guys out there jk. The point is I love birthdays and hoildays well use to. I love the fact that it gets family and love ones ectera together and ur happy to be around these people, my family has taken the joy out of all these moments every single one I can't even blame them I can only blame myself. Can't complain if I'm not willing to change.

This year has been horrible! Hoildays sucked bday sucked job sucked love sucked money sucked family sucked death sucked life SUCKS!!!

2009 please just get the fuck out of here already !!!

Happy B-day Seren!

Today is my besties bday. I hope her the bestest 22nd bday ever!!! Though it's been a tough year I hope you welcome this new age with happiness and love.

I baked her a cake (which I want piece of) and got her something to keep my favorite things, memories. Memories are things that can't be changed and they can't be deleted. So even if people come and go, time goes by, you'll always have the memories.

Happy b-day to the best bestie I've ever had!

Damn you Chris Brown!!!!

Why did I change the pace
Hearts were never meant to race
Always felt the need for space
And now I can't reach your face
So where are you standing now
Are you in the crowd of my voice
Love can't you see my hand
Lend me one more chance
We can still have it all

Fuck Chris brown with his honest statements and shit.

Meet VulkanTheKrusader!

A couple months ago I did a shoot just for fun of V, but this past weekend we did another shoot according to Vulkan it went well. He has an upcoming project and also runs VulkanTheKrusader blog. If you haven't checked out this insightful blog before go check it out.

   

What to do...

I love my friends I truely hate to see them suffer I can't sit and watch them be in pain. at times I wish I could just take on their pain so they can be happy I feel like I'm a bad person so taking on their pain should be nothing. I hate that love must be so difficult. why must it hurt so much?

I honestly don't know what to do or say I want to fall in love but I can't! I want to so I can atleast feel normal I don't think I've every loved someone truely maybe it's because I've never honestly said it out loud to them maybe saying it out loud is admitting that I'm opening up to what some day will cause the same pain I want to prevent my friends...

I just love my bros...above everything without them I wouldn't be who I am

Post Debate...

I have 16 posts and I am debating to either just post all or some .... plus I also need my computer back....

Where have I been?

I know I have abandoned  this blog but a lot has happened since my last real post.

I lost my job, death in the family, no internet, launch of  Wet Pop there's a lot of thinking and not a lot of writing but I shall return brand new in December I promise.

WET-POP!!!

So if your interested in Popular Culture ...Hey who isn't that's why its called Popular Culture come read it up with us ( SEREN- My BlueBerry Nights and yours truely) at Wet-Pop

We're waiting

So... Guess what?

THE YANKEES WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!
Now if I get fired with in the next 2 days that is where I shall be... I would love to go but I'm broke and I called out last week. I wanna go just for the pictures!!! Now I'm upset anyways it's been 9 yrs since the Yankees won the world series it happens... All I have to say is the Yankees have an all-star team roster and they couldn't win for 9 YEARS!!! WTF is that doo doo!!!

Playlist Generation

The playlist Generation comment that Colin Munroe made is on the money. It's a generation where music is no longer just one CD of that artist or that type of music. Now the internet has made discovering new music as hearing a key stroke. It's a theory that is a great way to explain diverse ears. It's a collective of great music blended on to your own likes. So you no longer are just a hip hop head or just a pop listener. All these genres have merged into your own ear collective.

 

Today I received an anonymous email stating that they would like to see more theory post because they enjoyed the pimps and hoes plus my karl marx connections. Well reader the next post will be for you stay tuned.

Colin Munroe speaks the truth...

Colin Munroe is another artisit that I listen to all the time. He has made a very notable (if thats the right way to use it lol XD) remake not even remix ( I never understood that my explainations on things in my next post stay tuned)it was dope. Anyways check the interview. I would have the best interview tactics which would basically be just us chilling lol.

Off The Wall Sessions - Ep. 3 Colin Munroe from OFF THE WALL SESSIONS on Vimeo.

Mike Posner's newest mixtape

This is Mike Posner newest project

Download

Just looking at the tracklist you will see what I'm talking about 10. Mirror's Edge ft.Bun B

Credit to: 2DopeBoyz

Sharing is caring

I think dexter is a great show an an addiction at that. On the topic of TV addiction I missed Heroes this monday for watching a wack ass movie so on that note. I am watching all the heroes I have missed tonight I can't wait!

VulkantheKrusader

Here are the pictures I took on Saturday.



There is more look up my flickr people click to continue

Ok so...

So I'm a Gym Class Heroes fan idk I was online (while at work) and stumbled on to this.

Johnny Cupcakes LA shoppe: Webisode #5 from Johnny Cupcakes on Vimeo.

I Love Travi and I love Johnny Cupcakes. Johnny Cupcakes is like a remarkable brand and I hope that all their expansion brings them success. I think they need to open a store in NY shit I would quit my job to work there lol. SERIOUSLY. I love Cupcakes and I love t-shirts this man started a brand out his house and now has executed an unbelieveable fan base and success his business plan was ridiculous and he came at a perfect time with his product smart business.

If I tried doing a tee shirt brand right now it would flop for 3 reasons.
1. T- shirts are no longer the highlight of an outfit.
2. Jackets and simple, classic, military, and styled attire is the come up right now.
3. To make a great product you have to take the loses early but be able to stand out at the end.

I might not have the motivation or time now but if I truely had the time and wanted to really do the whole design thing I'm sure I can come up with it.

Correction

I told my cousin that I had a slamming steak sandwich earlier he want
to the store and came back with this doesn't look like much but yo it
was AMAZING!

Public Service Memo and the rest of my day

So last night I got duper wasted for those few I called I don't know what I said so please dont hold it against me and if u can forward the message back to me that would be great lol.

Today I spent the day with the always insightful Krusader Vulkan. We talked raped some Internet at a lil low key spot and was directed to the best steak sandwich I've had in a while maybe it's cuz I'm already use to it up in lil DR. Either way it was great. So since V is always taking pics of other people we decide to go for a walk through the
area and take some pics of him it was pretty dope and my pics weren't
all bad I'm learning here people.

Crazy shit happened we were walking in the Avenue A/Bowery area and I'm fucking with my cam and someone runs past me in a leather jacket a hoodie and shades I didn't really look at him cuz of the cam fucking V goes like o shit that was just Scott Cudi I'm like stop playing man
I'm like you know I love that nigga thats not funny. SMFH it was fucking Cudi so close man I'm gonna meet him goal for 2010!

(really slow)La la la la la la KID CuDi!!!

Jess Star

I love this guy!!!

Check out Mike Posner's new mixtape on October 29th

and since I'm posting about music LUCY Navie mixtape has some serious shit on there so people hold out for that one a couple months from now.

At the moment *shrugs*

What did I do wrong?

One word says it all TYPICAL shit has become so routine now a days it's getting old really quick

Almost fired

So I just got my ass chewed by my boss well I deserve it I have until November 13 to get everything done wish me luck….

I want

It's not fancy crazy colorway i just want i love blazers
Check out the
Nike Blazer High LE iD Shoe
I designed at NIKEiD.com

Secrets

I have really started to hate them. Well in reality what happens after they get exposed. Like I secret family or your secretly have a hidden relationship or you get fired and go to work anyway or your selling drugs... These are all things that ok I just listed some of them don't belong sue me anyways what happens can change your entire life and every single person that it touches. Secrets aren't the only things because rumors are the same. But secrets you choose for yourself.

This was reminded to me by gossip and that movie Atonment life ruiners SMH.

Keeping Shut

How can asking someone if they are ok cause a snowball of terror? I speak to a very limited amount of people all of which have a temper.

I'm not saying this person is wrong … actually they are wrong it's just they are upset and need to vent. For asking the simplest shit I get text yelled at me lol. I ask people a question like "are you ok?" Because I was concerned as friends should be when they feel something's wrong, and I get the big F^$k-off type of answer. I bet you as I'm writing this they are telling someone else how fucked up and nosey of a person I am being when a simple are you ok was asked.

But you know what I deserve it I told myself I wasn't going to care as much about people and I do. I tried to do what I thought I would want someone to ask me if I was feeling like shit and kept it to myself and ask if all was well keep up with distant friends and get shitted on. I'm not upset at my friend she's just angry. I'm upset at ME for being the dumb bitch asking questions and fucking giving two fucks for someone other than myself.

 

THIS TEAM ONE ME IS GONNA HAPPEN STARTING NOW…

FUCK EVERYONE…

Welcome change

I'm tired of being nice hold shit back get my feelings hurt over small shit and letting fuckheads run my life I'm tired of waiting for friends to appreciate me and what I do for them I'm tired of helpping people to later get shitting on um tired of being a fucking punching bag but guess what that shit is over. I'm debating wether i should give someone who asked for a second chance the rule thoughts in my head though I'm one to want second chances all the time I never voluntarily shit on people and seclud them for no reason in a matter of fact once I'm done posting this I'm texting everyone a piece of my mind...

I love this… K-I-D!

Freestyle with 88 Keys from KidCudi.com on Vimeo.

I don't know why I just love his music. I love his down to earth vibe from the interviews that I have read and seen. I'm not his E-Stalker but I have seen a few clips that have really made me want to meet him in real life. It's a goal now Celebs I'll like to meet list (not in this order) and there are reasons:

Jay- Z: just to see if his success rubs off.

Drake Lil' Wayne: to see how tall he really is and to smack for his wackiness, and stealing drake's soul.

50-Cent: just to see how crazy he really is…seriously.

Kid Cudi: Censored ;) (owwwww) nah I love his work as an Artist.

Kanye West: to see how far he fell off the track.

Mike Posner: He's just hot.

Travis McCoy: Just so that he can give me a new tattoo.

Travis Barker: To see if he knows that he's officially black lol.

Big Sean & Mike Posner: at the same time they just look like so much fun.

Chris Brown: To plot the next beating.

These are just the ones that popped up right now. Well this Microsoft word posting shit is the shit.

PS. world hanging out with exes is not always a bad thing…

Winter is here… What happened to fall?

It seems that this year we have no fall.

We had a very cool and wet summer with 3 weeks of actual summer heat scattered all over. It seems like we had a week of fall hoodie weather and it's like early winter jacket/ light coat weather already. It's going to be snowing by Halloween. Anyway I saw these boots that have caught my eye. I did some shopping got some pick-ups that I hope fits.

Tumblr, Twitter and Flickr Oh My...

My new entertainment internet season lol I'm gonna add internet at home I decided yesterday. So here's the info for my 11 followers or readers who every you are lol. My shit is not set up yet dont judge ok im investing on some stuff like a new laptop.

Flickr
Twitter
Tumblr
Gmail me
So you want to IM me

Last Night

Last night I couldn't sleep like I really couldn't knock out I even asked my roommate to rub my head so I could fall asleep but that didn't work not cuz it was bad or anything it just didn't happen I don't know if it was cuz awkward that I asked or because when she went to move her car I was knocked. The only reason that happened was because I drank one more than prescribed medication and started focusing on my breathing in like 4 mins I was knocked in to a world that I wish I never imagine again. I remember not being able to wake up at all and being trapped in a small hexogon while I was on mute and on every side I had to sit and watch the few people I love get murdered . I tried to wake up and I couldn't. My alarm went off at 6:45 am I woke up gasping for air and in a cold sweat. It was that horrible. 

I know

I know I have an issue with bondaries it's not a hidden fact and I can sense when I bother people and when they are just humoring me they make a certain face. I'm tiredof seeing that face and you know what that's fine I'll make it easy my comments to them will be the least possible.

The more I try to be the the perfect friend I just push these people away...

I'm tired...

I'm tired of so much
I'm tired of my job
I'm tired of being nice
I'm tired of being ignored
I'm tired of being fat
I'm tired of being alone
I'm tired of being this person
I'm tired of being lied too
I'm tired of loving people and them not loving me back.
I'm tired of....
Me.

Do you think it's true?

When you are no longer needed you are less spoken too, less looked
for. I'm starting to think this is true. While you are needed people
are around they hit you up all the time they want to speak to you or
need to keep up the appearance that you are spoken to until it's no
longer called for. Then after they get what they wanted or needed they
are in the wind.

Jess Star

Lonelier than ever...

I've been lonelier than ever. It's crazy though because I see the bestie all week I'm making friends at work chilling with one of my friends from highschool but I'm still feeling alone is this shit ever gonna go away.

3rd worst day of the year

Ok the first one was my bday the second was that saturday after my bday and the thrid one was a combo of last night and this morning and early afternoon.

I've been getting a lot of shit from my parents for about the last month or more about the same issues over and over. I'm tired of eveything already so I'm suppose to be moving out soon everyone is against it but my answer is so because I'm not pregnant or married I'm not allowed to move out? All my siblings have lived at home till then and now I have no right to this choice. I don't even know how I held up cuz I was actually on my own. That's not even the worst part.

My head is spinning like so many things run through my head the main ones are 1. Do I think I can catch up at work?2 am I being lied to and being made to looking like dumb for not noticing 3. Is a certian crazy person ever speak to me and if so will it be because of someone else or genuine. I wanna say genuine but it's bad to lie to oneself I hope they prove me wrong.

I need a hug like a real hug I only take hugs from 4 people. So I don't even know.

Back to School ?!?

I'm not gonna lie I like going to school. I enjoy it I get to use my head and blame being broke on going to school lol jk. So I decided right now that I have 3 options regarding school.

1. Art school this requires building a portfolio and that takes time, but on the up side I can apply to work at an ad agency because I would have my art shit and a soc. Degree and say I'm out to blind the masses with actual theories.
   
2. Grad school it's just to prevent what is going on now.
   
3. Online Courses. This is just taking classes out of boredom it gives me the education without paying or attending class.
   

I'm going to start with the free online courses and then go into the rest little by little.

If you need a smile....

Talk a walk with your iPod and find a quiet place to sit and stare at
the beautiful sky today I truely love clouds they make me smile.

Jess Star

Is love lived and lost better than no love at all…

I'm scared of love.

I'm scared of love because I don't think anyone can love me, like real love that everyone yearns for.

I've come to this conclusion because I can't really say I have felt love. I can't even say I feel love for myself. This is one of the reasons I want to move out because I need a place where I can sit and think and love myself first enough to allow someone else to love me. My choices in men are bad but simple.

I tried the whole real love thing and it didn't work because at first I forced him into it. Then he was there and I wasn't, which made me leaving so easy. Me leaving caused him to cheat (his story not mine) and that is where everything changed. I felt like I wouldn't want to get hurt or hurt someone else and I didn't want someone who I could ever truly love.

It will be a nice guy and an asshole stand right next to each other I would choose the asshole because he's not there for a commitment and neither am I. I talk to the guys that I know I can never really have examples:

A self centered so called player.

A friendly cheater/opportunist.

An extreme/married cheater.

Out of towners.

This is what I do I stick to them but I've stuck to them so much that I have started to expect some type of commitment, even if it's the commitment of no commitment.

But I want love now so bad and I fear it will never come. I feel like at this point it will never come and I'm always going to be the loser on the outside of a relationship while everyone else is paired off. I'm kind of stuck on one of my sure thing failures but I'm willing to just let go and allow myself to get hurt, because from what I've heard it's better to have love and lost than just have not loved at all.

Getting Connected

OK idk if you guys have noticed I have 2 other blogs besides this current one. A couple months back I created a photo blog which was a failure well not really I created it for a class so now I will bring that blog back. But new and improved with a business type look I decided I need something that's going to expand the enjoyment of my life's shitty moments. So I will be trying to do at least 1 photo shoot or take at least one picture a week because creatively my mind has closed off. To maintain some enjoyment of nonsense due to work rules I will start using my twitter again, on my phone and will now have a new Flickr account due to my hate of the photobucket albums. I also am thinking about creating these cool business cards I don't know what the design will be. I found some cool business cards that seem to have an extremely creative look to them I will not be copying their design but I will be creating my own and that will be the start of my … idk what it is lol I want to get to the point that most people want to get paid for my work. This is my blue print to new connections and joys.

I always feel like somebody’s watching me

So today I had supervision due to my two months of work (YAY!!! YAY!!!)

Bad News: I am forced to obey new internet policy due to my non restricted internet access. In other words if I get bagged online or on my phone, I get written up.

Good News: I spoke to my supervisor who stated I could still catch up on all my late paperwork.

Better News: I set up the Microsoft Word on my job computer to hook up to my blogger. XD

 

But taken back to Rockwell…

Nothing lasts forever

Why must we always get attached to shit we will never keep?

The only things you can keep forever are memories...

Family is meant to last forever but it doesn't people decide they no longer want to talk to you any more or they lose touch or they pass away

Friends or significant others yea some last longer than others but they to can be lost the same ways or worst.

Money material objects these are things we can hold till we die and yea they get old but they mean nothing money is just paper we as society give value to. It's like religion it only exists because we affirm it because we need it to maintain order and sanity.

Anyways the only reason I ask is because life creates this urge for us to want to desire and we find these things that we seek in other things but in actuality will never truely have.

In reality history and memories are the only things that we will have to depend on it's constant and will never change.

Moving

So I'm moving out...
I'm moving out of my house because I don’t want to hear nonsense about how much of a bad person I am.
Still haven't told the parents but they will know in a few weeks maybe even days ... I can't wait it means making sacrifices but I'm willing to make them.

First apartment to go see is today I'm so excited!!!

L-O, L-O,L-O, LOVE

This word " LOVE" if and when we see it might seem small but we interpret it huge as hell, because in fact love is something that we cannot define something that not all of us get to feel, but that all we all have looked for. Why do we all want love, what makes it so important? Im sure the most cruelest of men atleast once in his life has fallen in love. To love is something beautiful that fills us with joy when we have it but drowns us in sadness when it's gone. And thats brought to my attention the question thats been eating at me for a couple weeks " is it that all who loves is destined to suffer? " , I've sat and thought about it and came up with the answer yes but I have yet to explain it. Someone once told me "To love is only the beginning of the word heartbreak" and in reality the more i see the word love in action the more and more i believe it. At first i didnt understand it but after some years I've come to the realization that it's true. If love is something so precious and becomes so difficult to obtain, perhaps never in my life will I manage to know it. I'm scared of ending up alone in a world in which not having love makes you misrable and reminded of it everyday but what I'm risking here is a lot. My weak heart with it's dreams and expectations are on the line.

 if someone that reads this knows how this works please let me know the answer but until then I am on strike against love!

horoscope

Someone may accuse you of being negative today, yet that's not your perception of what's happening. Your denial doesn't do much to settle others down as they ask you to explain your behavior. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into someone else's drama, but if it's true that you have been hiding your frustrations it will feel better to get them out into the open.

Lars and the real girl spoilers

"An 8-year old dressing up and talking to her dolls is cute. A 20-something doing that is just sad, if not creepy."

Last night I watched Lars and the real girl and I know I'm late but because I find DELUSIONS hilarious I was very amused. The movie revolves around a socially dysfunctional guy who falls in love with a sex doll with a back story and instead of people helpping him by saying this nigga is crazy let me    Get him help everyone in the fucking town goes along. Now I understand that because it's a fictional character that a MAN built up in his head it works like any child once you don't need that object in this case a doll you keep it moving. 

After the movie I realized in some way we are all Lars we crave attention, dependance, security, honesty, commitment and love. And Lars had that he had that because he created it in his mind. 

He created someone he could honestly depend on giving him attention because she was a fucking doll literally, she would talk with him, argue, tell him secrets, you know healthy relationship shit. That provided attention his need to be normal longed for. And honesty because what secrets can a fucking doll have that he didn't create and then tell himself.  He created dialouge that he made meaning he knows the other persons reactions moods eveything you are their brain which no matter who you are you will never be able to have that control in a relationship. This doll was his security idea of someone who would be there for him and would never leave him it didn't leave him openned to hurt and pain because he controlled it though he felt pain and cried when he finally decide he longed for less responsiblity and wanted a relationship with a real person with a future the pain wasn't for the doll it was because he made his delusional stories reality and he would lose everything he created.

"How come I have to schedule a date with my own girl friend.... She's not like other girls she will never LEAVE me..."

Words on why this delusional person had this relationship with a mindless object. If youu feel like you need a mindless person to make you happy in which everything you want happens then whats the allure of the relationship? Yea you have your way but your entertaining your ego but then you find that one person that doesn't agree that you butt heads with all the time but can get past it. This makes you happy that's something that will keep you there. This is why that "I love him but he loves her and then 6 months later they love you but you don't love him" situation happens because you don't want what comes easy because if you did you don't love the person you love yourself.

HI-larious

Hitting ROC Bottom from jeff on Vimeo.

Am I wrong???

I thought about it now more clearly now and im not even mad i feel no type of way about it anymore thats different for me.

anyways i heart him....

Mike Posner – Drug Dealer Girl (live) from Motion Family on Vimeo.

The psycho explodes

My cousin is one of the weirdest people I know and I went to purchase so that says alot so at 8am I get this message

Her: Ummmm no I don't want to see you b4 I leave and don't hit me up.Thanks.

This was one of the closest people to me a month ago I've been stressed for the fact that she wasn't speaking to me not only was she my friend she's my cousin and this hurts because we've been friends since we were 10 yrs old why now all of a sudden she don't wanna talk to me. But I knew it was coming when she needed me I was there and I knew once she didn't need me in anyway or that it didn't benefit her in away she wouldn't talk to me anymore I just had hoped that wasn't the case.

So now I'm gonna hit her up until she tells me why. I'm gonna keep doing that until she tells me. If she dont want me to talk to her I won't but she gotta atleast give me a reason. And "I just dont want to" doesn't count. If its for the reason I think it is then I'm going to be really upset.

*UPDATE*
I just gave up fuck it right theres no point though we fams we dont have to be friends come to think of it for the last yr or two it wasnt really much of a friendship which is why now that i thought about it makes no sense to continue especially if she's gonna be acting crazy i blame her own stupidity for everything but theres nothing left but to say i hopes you the best chuck the duece and keep it moving...

If you get told you had one more year to live, what would you do in that year?

I was reading some shit on some page there and they were told they had a yr to live so they killed themselves the next day I personally wouldn't tell anyone just for the fact that the next thing I'm gonna be told is that I'm lying or being over dramatic. I also wouldn't allow myself to be in the hospital for my own death. I would want to do it at home, somewhere that though my not be the best place to me I had some great memories in. I wouldn't tell my family except the besties I'll give them a early heads up like by like 2 months I wouldn't want their pity. I would also work for some time while I still could to help pay my funeral. I already got a note to leave so it's not to much to write lol.

In reality the point of these questions is that you think about shit to do for that yr like a bucketlist and at the end of answering it asking yourself why not do it while I still can. To me the point of this is to see how less of a value a human life is worth in reality it's not much at all people die everyday you should live your social life like there's no tomorrow but live economically like without today there won't be a tommorw to survive. Social living with no tomorrows makes you honest and shows u who u really are.

Jess Star

Listening to the Jay-Z leak not that bad it was some what good.

WTF am I doing/ thinking I can't do anything better than school I should have sucked it up and gone and stop being insecure so now I'm stuck in a place I'm not wanted and a place that I don't want to be at.

My dad strikes the last nerve I had on my choices and my future I had to tell him to fuck off like seventy times along with certain things that shouldn't be said. He noticed my stress and just walked away which is like the best shit he could have done.

That was my rage for the week I hope cuz it wasn't a good fucking look.

Thoughts from work pt 2

I've been thinking about my friendships lately and realized how different everything would be without how different i would be. First of all I wouldnt be here so Thanks homies. But last night I had a dream that i was at my own funeral and what hurt the most was that no one was there...
Thats pretty harsh to think of everytime i have very depressed thoughts i have this dream. Last night i wasn't having depressed thoughts not even in the day time i was upset, but just between 2pm and 8pm. Anyways the point is i woke up wondering do you think you can sit in on your own funeral after you die and actually be able to hear peoples thoughts? that would be fucking cool if not im kinda upset im gonna miss it by like 2 or 3 dies. Seeing people even faking it might make me think im worth something.

If you can't apply these to friends they are NOT YOUR FRIENDS...
A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. Like in sex and the city your friends are your mirrors. They can give you issusions but a real friend will tell you reflections you are avoiding.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same. As in this person knows your a fuck up or and ass hole and is still willing to admit they are still ur friend.
A friend is someone you can do nothing with, and enjoy it. If you can't sit with someone and just talk doodoo and not feel annoyed or uncomfortable than they are not your homie.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Those who are there for you at your lowest will always be there in the long run. Someone whos willing to stand by you when everything is crumbling down is a friend.

Pretend finale of summer

This was one big bad summer I want to just relieve the last 2 yrs of my life. Not because I regret anything but because things I would want to change prevent. Only 2 good things came this summer ok may be three
1. I found out y I apologize.
When I was a kid no matter what I Did most of the time you say sorry and everything goes back like u just did a fucking re do button to life I guess It stuck the unrealistic idea of everything going back to normal. I apologize alot but I mean it everytime I say sorry EVERYTIME!

2. I'm the Nike spokesperson for the advantage department.
That I say yes and do whatever it takes to try to make loved ones happy I rarly say no but people are starting to walk over me and they know they don't have to say or do anything they suggest it and I just do it

3. Boundaries and closeness
everyone has boundaries that need to be respected and the closeness u can think ur close to someone and realize you never really knew them

we all wear masks we only see what the other wants use to see

SERIOUSLY THOUGH (0_o) SERIOUSLY

If you ask me to do something for you I try my best to do it ask any friend of mine when they asked me to do something for them and how many times I have said no. If they ask me for anything like I said before I do it. Recently I've done my best and said yes to not disappoint anyone but of course shit never works in my fucking life.

I asked a friend a simple favor very simple no effort no money spent all they had to do was be there. And guess what they weren't there then this person had the nerve to get mad at me (0_o) <--- (not amused). SERIOUSLY THOUGH (0_o) SERIOUSLY

A small Pick Me Up

this video makes me smile all the time so shrugs

If it ain't one thing it's there

have u ever heard this saying before? It's been about a month since my whole life seem to hit the fan. I'm having issuse with my social life keeping everything straight. The smallest thing sets me off. Just a month ago I fucked up 3 friendships... 3 who does that? One is not so much my fault as it is their own and now they are on vacation and they are gonna move soon so I had less than a handful of friends and I just lost another finger.

Then  after I found out that news I fucked up 2 more friendships. This literally crushed me I couldn't explain what happened I didn't intentionally do it I was drunk but that's no excuse so I didn't even say it but I couldn't think straight. After that the closest friendship I had seemed dead. The other person wasn't even talking to me I blew up on them for no reason. I don't know what occurred. I've been told and read things that made me think and still don't sit right with me there's 3 things actually. I was there before the issue and I'm still here now I just hope it don't blow up in my face. It went from not talking to texting all the time to hangout invites. And I haven't forgotten what happened it replays in my head at least once everyday or other day and I'm sure they are reminded everytime they are talking to me as well. I don't mean to bring up the past but my mom this morning reminded me of how bad a friend I am not just to one person but all 3 of these people. And when I start thinking about this all I can do is sit and think of all the fucked shit I've done to them. 

To top it off last night I started fucking wup something else.
Me: what happen too you last night
Me: ???
Him: Look here buddy I'm workin and I'm stressedd. Soo ill hit u up laterr lol good night.
Me: ... Ummm k goodnight
Him: I know what that means. I aint say it wass u jess... I was just tellin u I was.. And I don't mind u hittin me up. Today was a lil rough and I just toldd u, it wasn't u

This person and I have a past of nonsense and not talking for months and I don't know where it's heading I lust for this person for a longtime and when I didn't he showed up and we've been talking again since May, coming off 6 months of not speaking. He's an asshole but he let's me in at times like puts down his guard at time. The homies don't approve... Shit I don't approve but his comeback is strong if anything it's determined.

 But I always say there's only so much a person can take and everyone is getting to that point with me.  It's gonna get to the point that everyone is gonna dip on me and I'm not gonna have anyone around me (ultimate fear)

 The homie, the cuz and the bestie (I don't even know if she wants to be called that anymore) hit the 4 yr mark which is my friendships usually end cuz by then people don't want to be my friend no more two of these people hit the 4yr mark before hit we didn't talk for about a yr and it the mark restarted again now it's about to end again and thats never ever happened before.

I'm stressed.

For your entertainment

Everyone Hates Drake seems to be the best title for next tape

Real Life ...

is so over rated. Around this time last year school was starting i dint have a job and all i was worried about was how was i gonna fund my drinking and partying for the semester along with food and cell phone. Now I'm worrying about Social life, work life, home and grad school. This is way to extra right now my brain hurts. I need to do some art shit and make money.

still a goodie...

if you want a rap version...



i'm probably going to get fired for blogging at work...

Thoughts While at Work

Can you have a real relationship without benefits?

What is a relationship without benefits! All relationships are involved in some type of exchange not for materials, though there are some digger out there (notice how I didn't specify a sex there.) Google Exchange Theory. (This is how my mind works)
Its the process of negotiated exchanges between parties. Social exchange theory explains that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives. For example, when a person sees the costs of the relationship as outweighing the perceived benefits, then the theory predicts that the person will choose to leave the relationship.

Or you can look at it in the hood version of Karl Marx:
We live in a pimps and hoes society.Theres the pimp who benefits and the hoe who puts in work. The thing is the pimp has to work his hoe to get his $$$. Therefore you both pay. Your paying for it in some way theres an exchange occuring, people think about it.

You learned to social theories today but the real question is

Are you being pimped or are you be fucked?

There's a difference...

thought of the day

Track in the background: I choose you...Gio BasiCali

I carry your heart....
I carry it in mine....
Only if I actually loved a dude SMH... Waiting for that great love moment tired of these bullshit ones. You're DARED to be great...

FREE EP Gio BasiCali

Letting Go

Letting go is the hardest part of any type of relationship.
It's hard for everyone it could be parents, friends, lovers, potenional lovers, or even family.

I'm one of those people that it's so hard for me to let go of things with everything I try to hold on to dead friendships, I chill with people that really don't want to chill with me, I talk to my ex and to 2 of my past flings like they never left it's kinda ridiculous.

A couple of months ago I stopped talking to this guy at his request something about not repecting his chick if we stayed friends i've never met this man I respected his wishes but acouple days ago he hits me up I ignore it and keep it moving same thing again. It's like u not gonna befriend me and dip again so take this as the big FU get over yourself.

I'm one of those people that will always be there I cling to things cuz they give me security but if you really don't want me around just let me know I will leave and not look back but for me to get there again it takes a long time I'm not gonna invest myself again knowing that it could just be for just a month or until better people come around.

It's always better letting go when you have both sides you shouldn't do it just cuz you think it's the right thing to do you can't make the choice for the other person cuz then it's not a relationship it's just you.

ART conquers all...

Yesterday I wrote about art since i feel lost in the world I'm turning back into my 14yr old self. Over the years i have had many art ideas that i no longer do. I have doing it all from sketching to t-shirts to graf its crazy.

skills I've developed:
Music- Trombone, french horn, baritone (I'm no good now but i still can play)
Paper art- paper mache (who didn't do that kindergarten people), Sketching, fortune tellers(that's a talent lol)
Computer- HTML coding, Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro, Paint, illustrator, image ready, flash (i know why do i have this crappy blog then right lol its called no time)
Cans- after breaking some sneakers (don't want to talk about it)I retired
Camera- Photography is new to me
Clothing- Did a couple did a fashion show and quit fucking minorities.
Toys- This I'm gonna do next month lol
writing- stories poems name it i suck.

I had a love for these things. I use to love siting at the computer everyday hack codes out and then do the graphics too. I loved it so much i did it for free. I remember when i started Purchase. It was an art environment people flourish there ... I closed up. I was social compared to before I didn't need all the art stuff i had picked up while i was alone. I needed to be good at something back then to feel better.

Recently I'm spending a lot of time alone. So, I'm gonna give those around me a break from my never ending text and I'm gonna make art my new bff. I already started to re make this page its gonna be the kick star bright edition. Next month I'm gonna try to make my own toys like the munny type toys idk lets see how it goes. I'll keep ya up to date.

signing off from bored@work this is STAR till next time lol

What I do at work...

I hate Jim Jones

I hate him so much but this new comer sounds just like him but so much better he got his cocky Harlem hop ass flow but actually making sense not that okiee dokie bullshit this nigga be spitting any way Esso has this small mixtape I consider his best stuff each track blends well with the next with the exception of one track which is the party track, "living doll" it's still a good track.
DOWNLOAD

Download credit
2DopeBoyz

art or time waster?

So I have a pile of work to do that I am currently completely avoiding it was due weeks ago it sucks because i need this job i need to make my three months probation period and the post probation for the other 3 months. It sucks but its paying. So recently I have neglected all my art endeavors.

How do you...

Apologize to someone who hates apologies? I fucked up during my bday I fucked two of the important things to me. I felt horrible afterwards I still do. I apologized then but everything got weird like if I should have known that they were no longer my friend. Certain days I accepted it and then thought about it and thought like no I'm not gonna let it go. I care way to much for this person and I would do anything for them. And if learning to stay away and how to say no is what I have to do then I'm down.

On Saturday I baked a cake to apologize in person and to really let them know how sorry I was but that plan failed and I still have the cake in my house.

Yesterday was the first time seeing the person again I was worried it would be awkward and they wouldn't want to speak to me. I was ready to be ignored but I'm happy I wasn't. Things aren't the same as before and it's understandable it's not suppose to be. I don't want it to be the same old me that caused this situation to happen I'm trying to be a better person and it's working. Last night I wanted to hug this person and tell them how sorry I was for everything and that I hope that one day we can get past this. But I stopped myself for 3 reasons; I didn't want to bring it up again, I know this person hates apologies and I know this person hates hugs. So how can I apologize in person without causing the situation to escalate?

Jess Star

twitter

So i hate twitter i hated it when it started had a page up for 3 mins then took it off then about 70days ago i started it up again to get some traffic on my blog and guess what it didnt matter so im back to my F twitter shit. The reason i hate twitter so much is because i hate updating things. and twitter is like a rotating away message going off every 5secs. Shurgs no purpose if you really wanna know what im doing just ask.

ITS GAY!!!!

NEW PAGE LOOK COMING in the next week im tired of this one so yea.

If you can, why not?

My answer to almost any favor is yes. If I can do it or I can actually
try to do something about it I'm gonna most likely do it. I hear a lot
of mixed emotions about this but I have come to a conclusion. Saying NO.

As simple of a concept as it seems it's a difficult task for me.
Perfect example, friends at time are mean and don't know how to ask
for things but I think back to all these times that they were there
for me how they didnt turn their back when they could have and that
stops me from saying no.

Some people say I go past being a good friend which makes it so easy
for people to use me and my answer is to you it's using to me is me
returning the favor to a point. All the friends I have right now are
not using me never have. Before it was for money, the other was time,
the other was freedom (don't ask) I am happy to say that now it's not
like. I'm always there or try to be I see why people say it's bad and
I need to stop but everytime I say no i feel like it's a stab and
that's what I'm going to stop I have tried it a couple times but still
feel bad about it even this weekend I should have said no and said yes
and today i'm still paying for it.

I'm starting to live by the motto live and learn but idk about how
long that will last...

Jess Star

Even though...

I fuck up every friendship after 3 or 4 yrs none of them can't say I never
showed them love especially not the last 3... I neversaid I love you
to anyone ever until I meet my last group of friends and I still don't
say it unless I mean it so I'm sure that those true ones if they even
were I would chill with again not cuz I'm lonely or need friends cuz I
have best friends that if either one of us fuck up were there for each
other. That's why I love my besties though we argue and disagree at
times know that I would never want them to be unhappy ever. I'm there
even when they don't want me to.

Jess Star

I AM...

SORRY nah jk I say sorry about 50 times a day what i was really gonna say was that

I AM A TEE SHIRT PERSON.

I must admit i dont care if they tee is for kids, womens, mens, oldies if i like it and it FITs me and i can afford it i'm gonna cop. So i'm sitting at work since 11am crusing the cyber highway when i came upon this blog digslifeofthejetsetter (yes this is Rev RUN's kid i know tv ruins the world hear me out) this kid is pretty honest on his opinion on fashion unlike the average lil hypebeast walking around. he has money (well his dad does) and he goes shopping but he got a style dont play him for his age. So this AM I went through all his post i didnt read all of them but i read a god amount and it was enjoyable not gonna lie.

i decide to check out karmaloop urbanoutfitters and acouple other sites and its all this repeated art and color ways on tees every brand has atleast one look in common and i know its like if you find something that sells go for it but will it kill anyone to drop their own look instead of having each brand look the same.

he speaks the truth

So every couple months when i have nothing but time i sit in front of a computer and i look this guy up REVOLVERSFRESH never have i met him dont even know how i even found his page or if he found mine its myspace people anyways dude is pretty talented and funny from what i saw and has good stuff well heres what i'm talking about




Clip from REVOLVERSFRESH

drake...

needs to go somewhere these days im tired of hearing the same shit/flow and it being called genius ...no people hear the old mixtapes...

worst bday week ever

my bday was bad but i knew there was more bad times to come yay to 22! -_-

It was ...

It was my bday today and I think when people say bday they mean bad day. It was the worst fucking birthday I ever had. And guess what that's just the 1st day of my 22nd bday
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thinking

I'm bored at work so i'm thinking about opening my gauges again... I know why? well idk thats what bothering me I had them befor because I wanted to change a lil( i got a tat and gauges and i dyed my hair all in one week) I'm avoiding needles untill my bday or after my bday which btw is this tuesday coming up (YAY!!!)I just miss them so I'm going to redo them I think... might get my toungue peirced who kknows still tossing it up though.

Plans

just starting a new job... I'm nervous.
Anyways if things work out I'm moving out but from what I have read I would move for only awhile so it would not be for a long time so it wouldn't make sense.

Spots

I have this spot I call my own it signifies so much but no one will understand it. Its not a spot in my mind its a real spot around my way that I only go to to be alone and think. I've only taken one person ever there and they didn't even know they were there. We sat here for hours and talked about everything we spent like 4 long hours there.

The best thing is it could very easily be someone elses spot but when I'm here its mine and I love it. I only come here when I want to block out the world. The funny thing is I have an empty house right now and I still chose this spot over home.

I want to make a change and when I'm here I don't need or want to anymore I'm happy.

Lies...

I hate lies some lies were clarified to me today about someone who I considered a friend for a long time. We have grown apart recently but its like damn shes decieved me for about 3yrs but you know what its a new day that time has came and gone

All at one time

Its back again ... I'm at one of the lowest points ever right now this whole up and down shit is no bueno.

I had fun today at the FSF BBQ for their 4th bday and chilled with homies but something wasn't right all day from 11am to right now idk wat it is but I can't right now

People say...

People say they want things and then they have it instead of appreciating it and loving it and trying to make sure what they wanted lasts they fuck it up with being selfish and not caring and not really even wanting it anymore.

Its like ur life goal is to be a lawyer and you finally get ur first case your like yes iive always wanted this and o I love doing this and then after that case your like I don't even want to do this.
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Just when...

I thought shit was changing it starts over back on the meds had some dumb thoughts and I'm all alone right now...

Why is it that when things are looking up we all ways look down? I'm gonna go away for awhile it'll probably be the best solution... Jersey here I come well on monday I think
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Damn it

I did it again I'm tired of doing all these things without thinking my worries my sensitivity my insecurities they make me this fucked up person who can't live a normal fucking life with out fucking up ... And then I think fucking up is needed in life its how u learn ur lessons I just fuck up so much I never learn my lessons cuz there are so many at once.

I don't know how people deal with me...
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I've been...

...Thinking what the fuck am I doing with everything.
...Socially less upset and more accepted around the people around me more than ever before.
...Romantically I've realized I might actually be in the L word with someone who won't want me and I would be looked down on for (who cares though)
...Emotionally I can honestly say I'm happy. This is a rarity. I'm not even on my meds :)
Though I'm still jobless, credit collecters call me about 4 times a day, I do nothing everyday and I'm sure I've gainned some weight ... I'm happy I hangout with less people even let an old one back in and I feel so much better though. Life's been good. I haven't cried since the 8th or 9th
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Popular

My popularity with people I can not have relationships with has gone up like crazy. I had to end a friendship cuz the guy didn't want to end a friendship
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Chippies FTW!!!

Had chipotle today thanks for the bestie scooping me up from the tech cav lol. It was a day packed with activities instead of my usually unlocking levels in Ass.Creed or beasting on NBA 2k9. Went up to Purchase checked in with my advisor (she guides my life lol. Helpped move the 2 ton TV out of storage and to stop and shop. i love cupcakes they are the best. After building a nice rackit was time to head back to throggs. But of course the day could not end without something happening we took a wrong turn ended up mad deepso we had to turn around. And go the other way. When I get back my sister is having a fit talking about how we lied to her about where we were and how here kid didnt eat and was cold. I explained everything about the dive and how her kid never said she ws cold or that she was hungry i asked a lot of times if she wanted food and she said no so that is not my fault. And then her husband has complains about how the computer and x box was stil on when he got here. i told him i wont touch his stuff and ho his kidleft the shit on but its whatever right onow i just wanna be at home locked in my room looking at the walls. i tried apologizing and satsfying some ones picture rquest and didnt get any answers so i dot even want to talk to anyone else i will probably spend the rest of the week like yesterday all alone with the companionship of a 9yr for half the day and no contact with anyone my age or near it. I cant wait to get a job.

Is happiness possible?

I have started to think that happiness might be right around the corner recently everything feeling wise has been ok with the exception of no job. I'm content with being alone (relationship wise) dudes dont hit me up and im cool with it because right now i have cool people around me and i dont really feel as down as i use to i must admit my bubble has gone down drastically from seeing/speaking to 20 people a day to now about 4 to 5 people if im lucky. Hopefully the summer continues this good my fl posts will be up tomorrow and so will some pictures well maybe...

Ahhhh...The good old days

Tonight was a good night though it was spent doing nothing it was a hell of a night. I headed uptown tonight and went all the way up to my old HS. I took the same route I took back then. Tonight I chilled with some of the homies from the past. We had a great time thinking back to all the jokes over the years.

Drunks

1st night I go to sleep at 1am and a drunk comes singing at 130 I guess me and sleep are not meant to be. My parents had a comment to say before about a drunk homie coming to crash here and this dude did worst, dude came woke up the entire building and then left home. Smh at old drunk spics especially someone who doesn't seem decent. Now the mission to go back to sleep....

Back to the Dungon

I was in my sisters house deep in no mans land and just got back today. It is back to 24-7 spiciness and police sirens. I'm back to being stuck with no existence to the outside world and barely any T.V. I need a job to pay these bills off and also move out if I get a job now I can clear these bills by the end of the summer.

slacking

Two summers ago after a near arrest and broken ogs (rip nike air flys)I have not touched a spray can but I will be doing it this weekend either tonight or on sunday night.

I have decided that I am going to fall into my photography hard body while I still can. I dont have a job and I have a 4 gb memory card. I miss being artistic. It took a set of buns and I, a long time to actually inspire me to write a quick poem off the top. I quit writing once I got to college and I haven't written anything untill like 4am yesterday. He said it was pretty good, I was like whatever. Anyways I decided that I might as well be creative so tonight photoshop will hate me. I haven't plugged in my laptop in the last 2 weeks.

You know how people say your your own worst critic?
It's true mine stares back at me in the mirror everyday. I have I dentified my hater!lol

i told you

easily amused
nigga said "do the stanky leg"
LMAO

CORALINE DUNKS

$275 PEOPLE $275
DS EVERYTHING TAKE THEM NOW PLEASE

constant blogger

i have really become a blogger when i am bored i find myself reading peoples blogs not just friends blogs and shit i mean like friends of friends and friends of friends of friends blogs and so on it's entertaining when the cloud of bored i have 16 hours of the day comes around so today i decided to read up on a couple of blogs that i have missed out on and it was fun i found some good quotes for example:

"Life is beatiful, why can't people when they find a good thing be ever satisfied?"-V

and some facts thrown around lol
"Listen I'm a big Joe Budden fan. Time and time again, he wows me (Pause) with his lyrics and flows. This man can rap, to say the least."Carlito Way

and some funny shit you can see by the clips i post im easily ammused but i read....at times lol

"dude...who the FUCK actually TALKS on the phone anymore? god thats annoying...TEXT....stupid bastards! "-Serenissima

the point is surf the web people there life out there...that is all.

Pics

pictures will be added for these posts i've just been focusing on the writing but the pics are here

ROTFF

****RAMONA DO NOT scroll DOWN...I will not be held responsible
His videos be having me on the floor they are hi-larious



A:"then i got problems with my eating disorder"
B:"what eating disorder"
A:"nigga i eat everything"
B:"what do you mean everything"
A:"Nigga i mean everything, I have a new born baby sitting in my microwave at home..."


He Stole serenissima's old man dance smh

"NO ONE DIES A VIRGIN CUZ LIFE FUCKS US ALL" - Star yea i said it

When asked for advice...

Sometimes the things not thought of work out the best. Don't worry so much enjoy the happiness the most you can while you have it leave all that other shit for laters it might never come.

The Ending of a Chapter

I hate goodbyes. Last night the bestie hopped into her car and left. I'm kinda sad I must say, though it isn't for long and she will be visiting all the time, knowing that she isn't going be within 45 min train rides like everyone else is scary. Long distance friendships never work for me, they always fall apart. I left to college and lost all my friends except for one. It took the last 4 yrs to get the important ones back. I know it's not a big deal though. It's just the closing of the college chapter, and she was the last page.

During graduation I was all chill and composed, didn't get sad at all didn't even think about it because it would be sad to say goodbye to all the people I spoke to at some point in the last 4 yrs. Though graduation was 2 weeks and 4 days ago the whole goodbye to college thing didn't hit me until now especially cuz I saw people from school and the bestie was in my crib for the last 2 weeks I just took it as another vacation with a whole 9 months of chilling and partying every weekend awaiting us in September. That was my escape button for when I needed to get away, but it's like my keyboard lost that key 2 weeks ago and I didn't even notice... until now I feel stuck.

Note to Top 5

No matter what your feelings always come first to me even above my own. I can't deal with seeing, making, or causing you emotional pain trust me I'll feel the pain for the both of us, at the end of the day I'll still be there to at least try to get you to smile even if I'm really upset, you feeling better makes everything else better :)

never fails...

I tried to spare one of the most important people to me feel bad cuz i know she feels bad about something and at the end of the day what happens she gets hurt anyway. If I am so lucky why do I always fuck up when it counts?

And now shes mad. I try and i ALWAYS fuck it up...

Kamakazie Crazy

The bestie is still in town until Monday or Sunday so we headed towards Harlem to Cruise the streets ... jk nah we went to our friend's crib to meet up with a group to go to Soho together. While we were there we watched Denver get smacked by the Lakers (upset smh, I hate Kobe). Anyways so the plan was to all ride the train together and pre-game on the way there wrong! People decided to drive to Harlem so there were 2 cars. Now there were 5 girls who came together in one car and then the rest of us were gonna squeeze into a Honda Accord o_o . I made the comment that if we don't fit I would just go home and call it a night. So that everyone could go and make it there the bestie and our friend Kaz decided to take the train. I volunteered to take the train being that I was the one that had the issue and was probably just gonna leave. I hate making how I feel about something an issue for others idk how to explain it. any ways we rode the train and got there before the 2 cars.
We get to the club and waited for everyone to show up while waiting we find out there were only four 21 yr old in the group of 12. So we chilled by the door for awhile and got distracted. Due to the fact that we were surrounded by bars and the 19- girls didn't know how to act, so the 3 musketeers (kaz, the bestie, and me) crashed a private party next door. It was the brightest idea we had all night. We walked straight to the bar and went Kamakzie Crazy and had the best bartender ever, well right after Brad, (EAST, Asian guy at Santuary T) and topped that last call at 1:15 with a birthday cake shot... By now our friend JP ended up taking "the children" as he said to a club in mid-town, upset SMH I would have given them directions and said by.
The hunt for the new outting was on and we kinda lost Kaz on the mission (he left with his boys) so we met up with Nick & Steven who were a couple blocks over. They were smashed, we were almost smashed, so we were on the move. We hit my new fave spot, thanks to the SPers, 123 burger shots and beers. There the bestie and I downed another 4 Kamakazie each and I did one shot as a BudKazie bomb (trademarked!!!) as I like to call it. And then I was down for the count I don't remember the train ride past 96th street.

Just One of Those Days

So today was one of those days that I dwell on all my problems and pity myself. All day long all I have done is sit and think of these problems that I have created for myself and I am either to scared or unmotivated to do something about... I can't blame anyone but myself for these things I know.

I'm not gonna lie I thought some crazy things today and thought of who would be affected and only came up with five. The worst thing about it was that nothing happened to make me feel that way. The last couple days mentally have taken a toll on me I must admit but once again these are "personal issues":
1. I need new friends/time fillers
My hobbies need to all change except photography, but why new friends you ask...
My bestie lives outta state (not talking jersey here lol) but though she will be around a lot this summer well it seems like it, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy the distance between us. The other bestie I haven't seen since the day after graduation and I miss her but she likes doing her own thing plus she got other stuff to deal with. They both do actually. The old bestie is in her own lil universe. And the cuzo has recently been struck by cupid lol and I'm sure sometime next week she will begin to occupy herself to prevent from showing how its effecting her. And thats about it. They are the only people I chill enough with that would even matter at this point.
2. Getting a J-O-B!
I called a couple places, filled applications, went to some places, but of course they dont even call me back. What pisses me off is that people think I don't put effort into this. MEMO: it's not as easy as it is for you for everyone else.
3. Money
I'm tired of asking for it, depending on those around me. I'm gonna just chill in my house though that will kill me because I am broke. I already owe like 100 bucks.
4. Selling these damn Coraline Dunks
I don't even want them but I don't want to get less than 300 for such a rare pair of sneakers.
5. Parents
Don't you just hate them sometimes??? It's like nothing you do is ever good enough...Everything is a damn problem and they dont realize shit changes...

Is it true?

One of my favorite people told me jokingly something that i have secretly thought for a long time. "We only deal with you because your always with her..."that was like a stab to the chest. It was a joke but jokes do sting and that kinda touched home but of course I just sucked it up (no homo lol)and kept it moving.

I'm the extra package to everyone they despise having me around ...

I feel bad...

This is nothing new, but my mom was being a bitch for no reason. Shit in my house is getting uncomfortable and I'm getting super upset. It's like is it really that big of a fucking issue, is it?

The I'm sorrys

When I say I will keep comments to myself its harder than it seems there arre certain things that I can not stop myself from doing. One of these things is apologizing. I Apologize so much because it just slips out sometimes because its my constant feeling I apologize to everyone and though it upsets people I can help it. I have the same arguement about this and its getting me upset because it's like say whatever you gotta say and understand that apologizing is one of my flaws I dont purposely say it I'm mid way through the word and realize what I am doing. So at this point we are both tired of hearing the same shit. Your tired of sorry and im tired of stopping myself mid way through the word in which you already for see coming. I'm keeping a sorry count.

Phones

My phone is cut again but I actually want a new phone. I have secretly wanted this phone since christmas I hated on it because I couldn't afford it but fuck it I have given into it. The thing is I can't afford the one I have now how can I have this new one shrugs.

Damnit

I'm tired of being broke I'm tired of others paying for my stuff ok dealing with all this shit in my house idk what I'm gonna do

Time

Use it wisely you'll never get it back... That's why time I spend with people I love is so important to me but the people I want to chill with don't want to chill with me its kinda sad I perfer to be alone than a bother I'm gonna cancel my phone and be a total loner mark my words september is the end of my tmobile

...

I feel like some people are speaking to me just cuz they can't avoid it but I can see when I'm no longer important it hurts and its simple just tell me to fuck off and don't speak to you don't just act like I'm not there or I'm just extra nonsense you deal with

Dumb Bitches

I don't remember if I had made a post about this topic... Dumb Bitches. The premise behind it is basically females that stay with there significant other after they have been wronged by them so many times, expect their old habits to go away and take all the other persons crap for no damn reason at all.

So right now I have one of those friends she is with this dude that she knows she shouldn't be with but is "unable" to let him go. Like seriously dude...she's the first person to say o when you with a nigga like that you should just leave him he's no good for you and he's a bum and worthless..... But now she's in that position she's supporting her son herself and her boyfriend. SMH why?!?!!! Its so fucking dumb! I told her all of this and she just feed me excuses the dude lives off of her and then he has the nerve to get mad and be upset smh that shit is played out she's his new ex girlfriend

Nice-ness

I over do being nice I know I try my best to make my guests happy and entertained. Most of the time I drown then in nice and its not always a good thing but I love doing it.

The bestie is here for a week and I'm trying to make it nice, chill and entertaining but it doesn't seem to work. I'll just give her, her space which is kinda hard to do in my house cuz there's always people aroumd but probably just staying away will do it. I don't want to bombard her with my dumbness all day.

Goal

I made up my mind I'm moving out hopefully by the end of the summer its time to get a good job and save money so I can pay off bills and pay rent here comes the real world

So...

Things I said I wouldn't do I did and I don't really even care.

As of today the old jess is going to be buried somewhere nice for a while because I'm gonna be like trey songz said "brand new fresh out the box" I'm tired of being nice and getting snapped at or treated like I'm nothing a nobdy. This is going to be hard but people will finally be happy... O wait I'm back home they should already be happy they don't have to deal with me no more ...

Class of '09

As of friday I am an offical graduate of the class of 09... And as exciting as I thought it would be I was wrong its not at all its the same shit different day... Still broke.
No Job.
In debt.
That's life.

ahhhh...

I just hit a downward spiral.
I don't know how to explain it.
I went to talk to a friend but they seemed occupied at the moment and I didn't want to cockblock. Especially with whatever i'm going through and the comments I always get about smothering.

On another note the person that has had me very occupied(blame him for the missing blogs)just like dropped me off the face of the earth really quick it went from every ten seconds to an entire day of no comments, but fuck that nigga he got a girl already.

My nephew is visiting but I feel bad for him but then again I don't.
I just want him to leave right now but its 3:18 AM and he's not even in my room. He took over the besties room. He loves her too. She been fams...

Graduation is 3 days away shrugs not as happy as i thought....

Twisted

AirKarina hit us up the other day to go to a club so last night we went we partied and now were wasted!!! I feel like puking .,
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1 week

In exactly 1 week life for the last 4yrs will be over. Graduation is right there and my worries are gone. Cap and gown chilling on the hanger and nothing but doubts and debts about the real world.

I'm worried...though I know I don't have to be, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel that way. I've gone through the process of separating from friends and they are gone. And I see them whenever I'm home and it's never gonna be the same. So the break is coming and all I can think of is shit really gonna be the same.

Who knows whats gonna happen I'm hoping that by the end of the summer my life has some stability and by new years I want to have moved out my house.

Nigga ... YOU GAY...ALL HOMO

Funniest shit I have seen in the last 2 weeks
SMH.

NBA Playoffs

I hate the NBA palyoffs they mess up my TV shows SMH.

But either way I'm hoping DENVER Smacks the MAVS back to fucking 2000
and the LAKERS to get knocked too

WTF

How the fuck did I become a heartbreaker?!?!
Its impossible. But for the last couple days dudes
I don't speak to nomore hit me up calling me a heartbreaker!

The weather is warmer now and niggas just been hitting me up.

Main Question:

WHERE WERE YOU 4MONTHS AGO?!?!

Missing In Action....

You wanna know how you know I have mad work....
cuz my blog hasnt been posted in since april 27th

Jam of the week

I get high - Styles P

Blast that!!!!!!!!!!
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Do I really?

Like do I really annoy people that much? #
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Scary Movies

So a while ago me and the bestie had a chat about scary movies and I told her I didn't find any movies actually scary. So it has taken me about a month to actually sit and think back to them so last night I watched the 6th sense and I watched the skeleton Key. Now the 6th sense I've seen it a few times but I watched it to understand the story not for the horror content. I watch movies for the plots and story lines because I hate to read the last book I read entirely was down these mean streets and that took me 5yrs to read no lie.
Anyways I watched it for the horror content and I must admit she was right as much as I hate admitting that there were parts that just creeped me out way to much. So I made a list of movies that I think that I can say have at some point scared me (some it isn't the entire movie) some of which caused me to lose sleep. Skeleton key (kept me up that whole ritual thing was scary)
Gods hand(was just creepy it made me scared of extremely religious people)
The orphange (them lil kid ghost shit was scary)
The ring 1 & 2 (I've seen it so many times that I don't think its scary but it kinda did make it hard to sleep the 1st time both of them)
Final destination (just the idea of death hunting you down is crazy)
These are just Old Scary shit
Pet cemetary
The puppet masters
Friday the 13th#
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I feel...

...like changing the look so expect a NEW banner probably Friday. And my NEW blog (based on photography) will be up Tuesday working on the banner.

Nice outside

A day of waste it was wonderful weather today and all my plans went to the toilet. I expected to go to the city this morning but that didn't work out cuz I was up for a little trying to get a ride, that didn't work. So I was going to take the bus and ended up falling back to sleep waiting for the right time SMH. I decided to stay cuz I woke up around 3 and going to the city coming back that would take so much time I just stayed :(

I spent the day listening to music and editing my iTunes when I was suppose to be doing my paper. So I'm about to start doing my paper now and getting this shit done ASAP.

looking back...

I'm looking back at this last weekend and looked at all the culture shock pictures from previous years I realized I can't remember past last year.
2009:Drake & The Cool Kids
2008:Cassidy & Jadakiss(I think)
2007:Slick Rick(was this in 08?)
2006:???

does anyone know this answer!!!!!

New or Old?

I so the same way guys leave my life new and old ones enter. The old one I have issues with but we have decided to put everything in past and just stay in the friends zone and ignore the flirting and just keep it respectful.
The other oldie but a goodie I can't even be with but he will be fun if he ever comes around.
The new-new guy he seems to really like me but idk about him we have good convo but idk if I see him that way I'm gonna give him time though he's cool.

200th Post!!!!

YAY!!! I'm up to 200!!! I havent been on in a while much has happened...I'll get into it later though

Right now I'm updating my itunes ... working on my senior project I'll put the link up for those who want to read it maybe lol but I'm working on launching my photo blog it's still coming.

Today I recieved my free Nike Coraline Dunks I can't wait to sell them shits... Best investment ever cuz it was Free-ninty-nine

Culture Shock in full effect

Culture Shock has arrived today consists of getting lifted, drinking, and Drake. Yeah Drake will be here tonight I have a media pass so I should have some amaing pictures up soon so get ready all you Drizzy fans out there.