Last Night

Last night I couldn't sleep like I really couldn't knock out I even asked my roommate to rub my head so I could fall asleep but that didn't work not cuz it was bad or anything it just didn't happen I don't know if it was cuz awkward that I asked or because when she went to move her car I was knocked. The only reason that happened was because I drank one more than prescribed medication and started focusing on my breathing in like 4 mins I was knocked in to a world that I wish I never imagine again. I remember not being able to wake up at all and being trapped in a small hexogon while I was on mute and on every side I had to sit and watch the few people I love get murdered . I tried to wake up and I couldn't. My alarm went off at 6:45 am I woke up gasping for air and in a cold sweat. It was that horrible. 

I know

I know I have an issue with bondaries it's not a hidden fact and I can sense when I bother people and when they are just humoring me they make a certain face. I'm tiredof seeing that face and you know what that's fine I'll make it easy my comments to them will be the least possible.

The more I try to be the the perfect friend I just push these people away...

I'm tired...

I'm tired of so much
I'm tired of my job
I'm tired of being nice
I'm tired of being ignored
I'm tired of being fat
I'm tired of being alone
I'm tired of being this person
I'm tired of being lied too
I'm tired of loving people and them not loving me back.
I'm tired of....
Me.

Do you think it's true?

When you are no longer needed you are less spoken too, less looked
for. I'm starting to think this is true. While you are needed people
are around they hit you up all the time they want to speak to you or
need to keep up the appearance that you are spoken to until it's no
longer called for. Then after they get what they wanted or needed they
are in the wind.

Jess Star

Lonelier than ever...

I've been lonelier than ever. It's crazy though because I see the bestie all week I'm making friends at work chilling with one of my friends from highschool but I'm still feeling alone is this shit ever gonna go away.

3rd worst day of the year

Ok the first one was my bday the second was that saturday after my bday and the thrid one was a combo of last night and this morning and early afternoon.

I've been getting a lot of shit from my parents for about the last month or more about the same issues over and over. I'm tired of eveything already so I'm suppose to be moving out soon everyone is against it but my answer is so because I'm not pregnant or married I'm not allowed to move out? All my siblings have lived at home till then and now I have no right to this choice. I don't even know how I held up cuz I was actually on my own. That's not even the worst part.

My head is spinning like so many things run through my head the main ones are 1. Do I think I can catch up at work?2 am I being lied to and being made to looking like dumb for not noticing 3. Is a certian crazy person ever speak to me and if so will it be because of someone else or genuine. I wanna say genuine but it's bad to lie to oneself I hope they prove me wrong.

I need a hug like a real hug I only take hugs from 4 people. So I don't even know.

Back to School ?!?

I'm not gonna lie I like going to school. I enjoy it I get to use my head and blame being broke on going to school lol jk. So I decided right now that I have 3 options regarding school.

1. Art school this requires building a portfolio and that takes time, but on the up side I can apply to work at an ad agency because I would have my art shit and a soc. Degree and say I'm out to blind the masses with actual theories.
   
2. Grad school it's just to prevent what is going on now.
   
3. Online Courses. This is just taking classes out of boredom it gives me the education without paying or attending class.
   

I'm going to start with the free online courses and then go into the rest little by little.

If you need a smile....

Talk a walk with your iPod and find a quiet place to sit and stare at
the beautiful sky today I truely love clouds they make me smile.

Jess Star

Is love lived and lost better than no love at all…

I'm scared of love.

I'm scared of love because I don't think anyone can love me, like real love that everyone yearns for.

I've come to this conclusion because I can't really say I have felt love. I can't even say I feel love for myself. This is one of the reasons I want to move out because I need a place where I can sit and think and love myself first enough to allow someone else to love me. My choices in men are bad but simple.

I tried the whole real love thing and it didn't work because at first I forced him into it. Then he was there and I wasn't, which made me leaving so easy. Me leaving caused him to cheat (his story not mine) and that is where everything changed. I felt like I wouldn't want to get hurt or hurt someone else and I didn't want someone who I could ever truly love.

It will be a nice guy and an asshole stand right next to each other I would choose the asshole because he's not there for a commitment and neither am I. I talk to the guys that I know I can never really have examples:

A self centered so called player.

A friendly cheater/opportunist.

An extreme/married cheater.

Out of towners.

This is what I do I stick to them but I've stuck to them so much that I have started to expect some type of commitment, even if it's the commitment of no commitment.

But I want love now so bad and I fear it will never come. I feel like at this point it will never come and I'm always going to be the loser on the outside of a relationship while everyone else is paired off. I'm kind of stuck on one of my sure thing failures but I'm willing to just let go and allow myself to get hurt, because from what I've heard it's better to have love and lost than just have not loved at all.

Getting Connected

OK idk if you guys have noticed I have 2 other blogs besides this current one. A couple months back I created a photo blog which was a failure well not really I created it for a class so now I will bring that blog back. But new and improved with a business type look I decided I need something that's going to expand the enjoyment of my life's shitty moments. So I will be trying to do at least 1 photo shoot or take at least one picture a week because creatively my mind has closed off. To maintain some enjoyment of nonsense due to work rules I will start using my twitter again, on my phone and will now have a new Flickr account due to my hate of the photobucket albums. I also am thinking about creating these cool business cards I don't know what the design will be. I found some cool business cards that seem to have an extremely creative look to them I will not be copying their design but I will be creating my own and that will be the start of my … idk what it is lol I want to get to the point that most people want to get paid for my work. This is my blue print to new connections and joys.

I always feel like somebody’s watching me

So today I had supervision due to my two months of work (YAY!!! YAY!!!)

Bad News: I am forced to obey new internet policy due to my non restricted internet access. In other words if I get bagged online or on my phone, I get written up.

Good News: I spoke to my supervisor who stated I could still catch up on all my late paperwork.

Better News: I set up the Microsoft Word on my job computer to hook up to my blogger. XD

 

But taken back to Rockwell…

Nothing lasts forever

Why must we always get attached to shit we will never keep?

The only things you can keep forever are memories...

Family is meant to last forever but it doesn't people decide they no longer want to talk to you any more or they lose touch or they pass away

Friends or significant others yea some last longer than others but they to can be lost the same ways or worst.

Money material objects these are things we can hold till we die and yea they get old but they mean nothing money is just paper we as society give value to. It's like religion it only exists because we affirm it because we need it to maintain order and sanity.

Anyways the only reason I ask is because life creates this urge for us to want to desire and we find these things that we seek in other things but in actuality will never truely have.

In reality history and memories are the only things that we will have to depend on it's constant and will never change.

Moving

So I'm moving out...
I'm moving out of my house because I don’t want to hear nonsense about how much of a bad person I am.
Still haven't told the parents but they will know in a few weeks maybe even days ... I can't wait it means making sacrifices but I'm willing to make them.

First apartment to go see is today I'm so excited!!!

L-O, L-O,L-O, LOVE

This word " LOVE" if and when we see it might seem small but we interpret it huge as hell, because in fact love is something that we cannot define something that not all of us get to feel, but that all we all have looked for. Why do we all want love, what makes it so important? Im sure the most cruelest of men atleast once in his life has fallen in love. To love is something beautiful that fills us with joy when we have it but drowns us in sadness when it's gone. And thats brought to my attention the question thats been eating at me for a couple weeks " is it that all who loves is destined to suffer? " , I've sat and thought about it and came up with the answer yes but I have yet to explain it. Someone once told me "To love is only the beginning of the word heartbreak" and in reality the more i see the word love in action the more and more i believe it. At first i didnt understand it but after some years I've come to the realization that it's true. If love is something so precious and becomes so difficult to obtain, perhaps never in my life will I manage to know it. I'm scared of ending up alone in a world in which not having love makes you misrable and reminded of it everyday but what I'm risking here is a lot. My weak heart with it's dreams and expectations are on the line.

 if someone that reads this knows how this works please let me know the answer but until then I am on strike against love!

horoscope

Someone may accuse you of being negative today, yet that's not your perception of what's happening. Your denial doesn't do much to settle others down as they ask you to explain your behavior. Don't allow yourself to get sucked into someone else's drama, but if it's true that you have been hiding your frustrations it will feel better to get them out into the open.

Lars and the real girl spoilers

"An 8-year old dressing up and talking to her dolls is cute. A 20-something doing that is just sad, if not creepy."

Last night I watched Lars and the real girl and I know I'm late but because I find DELUSIONS hilarious I was very amused. The movie revolves around a socially dysfunctional guy who falls in love with a sex doll with a back story and instead of people helpping him by saying this nigga is crazy let me    Get him help everyone in the fucking town goes along. Now I understand that because it's a fictional character that a MAN built up in his head it works like any child once you don't need that object in this case a doll you keep it moving. 

After the movie I realized in some way we are all Lars we crave attention, dependance, security, honesty, commitment and love. And Lars had that he had that because he created it in his mind. 

He created someone he could honestly depend on giving him attention because she was a fucking doll literally, she would talk with him, argue, tell him secrets, you know healthy relationship shit. That provided attention his need to be normal longed for. And honesty because what secrets can a fucking doll have that he didn't create and then tell himself.  He created dialouge that he made meaning he knows the other persons reactions moods eveything you are their brain which no matter who you are you will never be able to have that control in a relationship. This doll was his security idea of someone who would be there for him and would never leave him it didn't leave him openned to hurt and pain because he controlled it though he felt pain and cried when he finally decide he longed for less responsiblity and wanted a relationship with a real person with a future the pain wasn't for the doll it was because he made his delusional stories reality and he would lose everything he created.

"How come I have to schedule a date with my own girl friend.... She's not like other girls she will never LEAVE me..."

Words on why this delusional person had this relationship with a mindless object. If youu feel like you need a mindless person to make you happy in which everything you want happens then whats the allure of the relationship? Yea you have your way but your entertaining your ego but then you find that one person that doesn't agree that you butt heads with all the time but can get past it. This makes you happy that's something that will keep you there. This is why that "I love him but he loves her and then 6 months later they love you but you don't love him" situation happens because you don't want what comes easy because if you did you don't love the person you love yourself.

HI-larious

Hitting ROC Bottom from jeff on Vimeo.

Am I wrong???

I thought about it now more clearly now and im not even mad i feel no type of way about it anymore thats different for me.

anyways i heart him....

Mike Posner – Drug Dealer Girl (live) from Motion Family on Vimeo.

The psycho explodes

My cousin is one of the weirdest people I know and I went to purchase so that says alot so at 8am I get this message

Her: Ummmm no I don't want to see you b4 I leave and don't hit me up.Thanks.

This was one of the closest people to me a month ago I've been stressed for the fact that she wasn't speaking to me not only was she my friend she's my cousin and this hurts because we've been friends since we were 10 yrs old why now all of a sudden she don't wanna talk to me. But I knew it was coming when she needed me I was there and I knew once she didn't need me in anyway or that it didn't benefit her in away she wouldn't talk to me anymore I just had hoped that wasn't the case.

So now I'm gonna hit her up until she tells me why. I'm gonna keep doing that until she tells me. If she dont want me to talk to her I won't but she gotta atleast give me a reason. And "I just dont want to" doesn't count. If its for the reason I think it is then I'm going to be really upset.

*UPDATE*
I just gave up fuck it right theres no point though we fams we dont have to be friends come to think of it for the last yr or two it wasnt really much of a friendship which is why now that i thought about it makes no sense to continue especially if she's gonna be acting crazy i blame her own stupidity for everything but theres nothing left but to say i hopes you the best chuck the duece and keep it moving...

If you get told you had one more year to live, what would you do in that year?

I was reading some shit on some page there and they were told they had a yr to live so they killed themselves the next day I personally wouldn't tell anyone just for the fact that the next thing I'm gonna be told is that I'm lying or being over dramatic. I also wouldn't allow myself to be in the hospital for my own death. I would want to do it at home, somewhere that though my not be the best place to me I had some great memories in. I wouldn't tell my family except the besties I'll give them a early heads up like by like 2 months I wouldn't want their pity. I would also work for some time while I still could to help pay my funeral. I already got a note to leave so it's not to much to write lol.

In reality the point of these questions is that you think about shit to do for that yr like a bucketlist and at the end of answering it asking yourself why not do it while I still can. To me the point of this is to see how less of a value a human life is worth in reality it's not much at all people die everyday you should live your social life like there's no tomorrow but live economically like without today there won't be a tommorw to survive. Social living with no tomorrows makes you honest and shows u who u really are.

Jess Star

Listening to the Jay-Z leak not that bad it was some what good.

WTF am I doing/ thinking I can't do anything better than school I should have sucked it up and gone and stop being insecure so now I'm stuck in a place I'm not wanted and a place that I don't want to be at.

My dad strikes the last nerve I had on my choices and my future I had to tell him to fuck off like seventy times along with certain things that shouldn't be said. He noticed my stress and just walked away which is like the best shit he could have done.

That was my rage for the week I hope cuz it wasn't a good fucking look.