5 plus pages

Today I have made progress on my paper I'm finally getting motivated to do it. I think I just sucked up the fear that was driving me crazy. I really feel better. I guess the cheer up session worked hopefully it's not just until Tuesday.

O today we are throwing a party. Its called "Bathing Suits and Jungle Juice" I think. I heard that there are another 2 parties on campus so this one should be just a few people and not be that packed.

Cheer up session

So I asked the bestie if we could go to the movies because my last 3 posts explain I was feeling really bad. I love watching movies because I love the stories they entertain me. We went to Applebees had a great time. I love hanging out with her, we have great conversations. She deals with a lot of my stuff and I know she really doesn't have too. She always has good advice and tells me truth whether I want to hear it or not. I feel like whatever I tell her she will give me an honest judgement on it. Though at times I perfer not getting into arguement over things but thats unavoidable its a packaged deal with any friendship. I never feel like she's forcing herself to be my friend or that she is just hanging out with me when she has nothing to do.

We went to see Knowing it was a really good movie I really liked it though it was sci-fi and it's hard for me to like movies within that genre. I expected the movie to have a cheesy ending but suprisingly it had a very realistic ending well not your average hollywood ending where in some way everything is just dandy I love movies like that.

something new

I feel like nothing in my life is making me happy like usually I immerse myself into my friends and the whole party scene. But I can feel people getting tired of me always being around. I joke and kid around but most of the time is because I hate being with myself you know what it is that sitting in a room for more than 4hrs alone causes anxiety and stress thats not normal. I feel like my entire life is a joke I sit everyday and think what's my next move should I even have one...

Old feelings die hard...

I have been "depressed" as they say for a long time now. Things that make me happy are very limited now. If you've read my blog and have never noticed this about me then your slow sorry. I went through some sites and they actually said I was suicidal. Though I wouldn't kill myself because I dislike pain and thought of my mom and a couple of friends (that I hope would care) I wouldn't want them to have to go through that so I wouldn't do it.(If your someone I consider a friend then be happy your one of the few keeping me here lol jk.) Anyways these are the 4 points in which iIgot nerves about if I have told you any of these before personally cara a cara (face to face)then were close or I think more of you than others. ‘life will never get any different or better’ ‘its all just hopeless/pointless’ ‘I can’t go on any more’ and my fave ‘the world is better off without me’. *Shrugs* it happens.

work for nothing

i did work for nothing. well not nothing but i didnt even have my senior meeting today so i did work that wasnt really needed.

still

I'm in class right now doing nothing. The semester is almost over and this was the first time I was in this class, SMH. I still haven't slept but I have so much work to do before tomorrow. This is the only way I can do work


edit now it's 1:21am still no work done

9:30 am

No sleep long 2 days ahead maybe not such a good idea... just sitting here in my room alone which was once dark my head filled with thoughts of how much I am fucking up. The worst part is I'm the only one that can change that but too scared to. So to preoccupy myself I decided to write in here. I updated the blog, watched a lot of law and order (still watching now), and wrote my photography final proposal. I also reread my aim and text convos it was ridiculously an act of randomness.

Well last night I was making a few comments that I didn't expect anything from I jokingly was just talking and acting like my usual 5yr old self. But other than that I had an awesome day just a little bored but no one is here to entertain me so I just moved on and left the person alone I hope the person doesn't think I'm tight cuz I actually did my normal thing that I do when I am mad but I just learned to give space after... i feel it doesn't matter though I hope not.

Its over

The fun is over... Not yet the summer is around the corner but before summer comes REAL LIFE starts. Its crazy my next month and a half are going to be crazy for the next 2 weeks my paper has to be finish so my scared to move forward must end now I'm ready to graduate its just the life after it.

Once I'm done here I have to move back home with my parents who are old and are extremely picky with me. For the next 2 weeks I am going to try to convince or aleast give the idea to my brother that he should move to PA at the start of the summer instead of the end of the summer and that he should let me, his son and my friend rent out his apartment. I think it would work atleast for a while me and my friend (maybe. hopefully I've lived with her for 2yrs now but maybe she needs a break from me. who knows) both rent rooms and pay him rent and his son who is a problem has atleast one person looking after him. I think it might work... I hope so

Recap of last night

Diddy flow *Last night I deaded all the guys around me* lol Nah actually I just know now that I can move on and not care about "Oh there's no one out there for me" or my idea that I can't be seen in any other way than how I see myself (my biggest fear is being alone). Which they proved wrong through out the night so I'm fine with it because that's done with but nothings really changed.
Anyway a lot of good things happened (like people actually getting along) and some that shouldn't have happened (like my cousin's ex arguing with one of the guys we chilled with) but its weird to explain.
There are things that I know but can't tell anyone. I mean no one, because I told one of the other parties I wouldn't. Both sides of both situations are close to me. On one side is a family member on the other is a friend (both of which have at some point been a very close friend). I have one cousin calling me fake and both questioning what they can and can not talk to me about. It's hectic but one I can deal with and not fuck up but the other is to late.
I knew I shouldn't have but we're family and my cousin was suffering. So whether my friend finds out or not I'm fine with it I will lose a friend and maybe my cousin wasn't worth it but they deserved to know where I stood in that situation and that I was there for them. Some people might think what I did was wrong and selfish, fuck it most people will but I did what I thought was right and just under the scope of what they asked me nothing more than what they wanted to know. I don't plan to betray a friend but I know I won't I have learned my lesson already. It's the cousin I'm worried about. Finally thinks they know now what they want I just hope it's not to late, there are only 2 consequences love or closure the thing is pick a cousin they both have this choice.

A baby's party?

It was my cousin's son's first bday and I expected some kind of fight due to an exchange of words that had occurred the week before and yesterday too.

The guy I was stuck on for a longtime was there and we got pretty close and we even kissed but it had no feeling behind it every touch, every word, every look meant nothing to me closure finally but not just from him. This other guy too. I realized today that I no longer need them these two guys were my crutches one for about 2yrs and the other I've hung out with him about couple times within the last year. I needed them but they didn't need me they have a bunch of chicks around them all the time I was just another in the pile but thats like TI and Justin said "Dead and Gone" now back to the party and the drunkness.

40 Stitches

My 17 year old nephew just told me he got stabbed last night.
I asked him if he was going to baby jay's bday party. He said "oh I was gonna go but I got stabbed last night..." Mad normal like just another day for me. He now has 40 stiches.
He got stabbed in the bicep and his hand. SMH. He was fighting with a grown man 24-27 age range and merked him then the guy felt embarassed and did another round which he lost again (nephew is kinda quick) the mans friends stomped him and then he said he saw the blade they aimed for his chest but he started running and they stabbed his arm and hand.the hand was him trying to stop them smh what the fuck was he really doing?

The Soho Dash

Today I had a meet up with a new buddy who was helping me by answering some questions for my senior project. I'm the type of person that thinks a lot about small gestures people make as they speak as in facial expressions and basic body language.This isn't always a bad thing. but idk how to read him he enjoys acting crazy and his convos are so ridiculous his answers were great they were what i needed but he is just weird.

I still wouldn't mind hanging out though he is a nice guy and he's funny...not my type though

Paper

So my paper is like going nowhere I'm getting tired of it.

Instead

of doing my paper I'm going to tag all my posts lol


5:12am stopped i got bored lol more than i was

Perfect Answer...

I DON'T KNOW IS THE PERFECT ANSWER.
It's fluid. It's not 100% all the time its like a maybe but not really. I love it. It worries me but hey that's where my life is pointing to a big ass

Never a full night of monday night tv it's like feb/march maddness I'm upset.

Bored

I played touch football with the lil kids on my block and chilled with all the people from yesterday...

B
O
R
E
D

and I can not leave.
Chipotle tomorrow YAY!!!! I cannot wait!!!

Dazed and Confused

I was on my way to jersey and there was no bus for the time i left so i had to take a cab then i'm on the train half way to the city and get told that jersey is a no go so i cant go back cuz that would be a waste of money and there was no bus smh it's saturday white plains what the FUCK is that about.. anyway so I make it to the city start calling aroundno one writes back so i talked to my cuz she tells me to go over and it was all down hill from there. Beer+meds+herbal meds+a lot of retards= craziness at the end of the night i was the title and it was only 11:30pm

Once again..Fri. 13

So I originally planned on going home today but I heard of something better than home last night(movies to see watchmen) so I stayed. This friday the 13th was mixed with good and bad luck. So I woke up to go to mail something and forgot my phone. I walk to the library to print a shipping label my bank account was at -$235.35 how no idea then go ship package smh mail got sent out early get sent somewhere else. Go to mail room check box have a check for $250.00. go ship package other place and it gets stuck in mail box. walk back to my apartment(which is dirty as fuck thanks to 2 housemates smh)look at my phone and had an email saying i won exclusive coraline dunks. then all tmobile networks were down in my area. i go to the bank to findout y that shit was going crazy and to deposit the check they were all over draft fees i go to the mall and find nothing i was tight then i missed the bus once and then it never showed get back to my apartment and didn't do anything didnt go the movies just spent my night alone in my room drinking watching movies will probably continue until I fall asleep

Artsy? Me? Is this a joke?

So today one of my professors looked at me and said "You know, your really artsy." I looked around and then looked at her like "me?" She explained how my perception of life is more like a critique as an artist critiques a fine piece of art. How despite my obsession with not doing work I maintain an over worked artistic imagination whether it involves my school work, clothes, going somewhere or actual art I focus on it and creatively without noticing.

She's right...I guess.

Random shit no one expects ...

It's 4am I got bored so I read a lot of my stuff from the last 2 months and found this that I never posted on facebook.

1. I get bored about 75% of the day.
2. I like to keep the unknown white people inside the picture frames.
3. I hate jim jones.
4. I hate stupid people.
5. I am the youngest of 6.
6. I secretly like to dress up.
7. Law and Order is my favorite tv show.
8. Cartoons entertain me more than people.
9. I am extremely sensitive.
10. I think invisible kool aid was one of the best food inventions ever.
11. Consume about 3 pounds of ice a day.
12. Will watch anything that is on T.V.
13. Haven't really done any school work in the last 4 yrs.
14. Have 63 pairs of sneakers.
15. Have a hidden pen collection.
16. Take posters of purchase events for my room.
17. Could have majored in VA if I tried.
18. Love the smell of rubbing alcohol.
19. Have a soft spot for guys that wear ties.
20. Write in my blog about everyday.
21. Hallways are my favorite hangouts.
22. Playing pool makes my day.
23. Mashed Potatoes are a must with a dinner.
24. Like saying spic.
25. Sleep with the TV on.
26. Sex is needed about once a month.
27. Wants a real relationship soon.
28. Hates going home.
29. Have 3 tattoos.
30. Had size 0 tapers in the last 6 months.

Skin Deep...ha ha ha

I'm tired of looking the way I do. I am not happy with who I am and I think that without changing how I look on the outside I will not be happy with who I am in the inside. It's taken me all this time to realize that this change is not for anyone but myself so here goes the first step admiting that I need to change for me and no one else.

Monday Night Blues

Monday nights haven't been the same gossip girl has been out of commission but Heroes and The City are still going. Now it seems like one show starts and another gets a break when will all 3 shows run together again my heartr hurts...

Motives

I have about 3 good ideas everyday but all these ideas tend to fade by the end of the day. Out of these ideas I remember like 1 of the 3 things and then I am never motivated to do any of these things I remember. I feel like my motivation to not do things and to go around what I really have to do stops me from doing my work.

Deadlines

I feel like deadlines are things invented by beyonce aka the devil and they don't really work for me. This is because to me most deadlines (depending on what course) are very fluid and I am very good at finding loopholes and playing my professors to the point where even if I turn it in 2 weeks late I don't receive a lower grade *shrugs* it happens.

Double post ...

I thought this fuckery was hilarious...
props to 2dopeboyz@wordpress

Then this asshole 50cent has gone crazy...

he's up to episode 5

Anyways since I got these jokes out of the way. I have a simple question do you ever felt like you have someone watching you on some Rockwell shit. Like I know no one is really watching you but society has created these rules on ways you should and shouldn't react that we unconciously follow and basically it's crazy that you feel like you can't act or react a certain way even alone. We are back to the old romans who thought the gods watched and used us for their own enjoyment. Has society made us into puppets?

House Meetings

It's pretty dumb... I dislike having to sit here and listen to 2 people who really don't do anything complain about how it's dirty and that people need to pick up after themselves. I told them that everyone just needs to pick up after themselves and they felt like we need to do it as a team. To me its like it wasn't a team that dirtied everything.

They are trying to say communication is a key but they just said they are intimidated to speak up.

The Cure

I just saw this movie it was the saddest shit I have ever seen. I mean sadder than The Lion King (if that is even possible.) I watched the movie and cried for the last 40 minutes. It was horrible I am sick and balling my eyes out. It was a great film but very sad. It's sadder than Hardball when the little kid gets shot believe it or not.

The story is on the friendship of two boys who are very different from each other and become best friends. The beauty and sincerity of their friendship was shown through out the entire film. There are so many beautiful and heartfelt scenes, which strike the heart and I dare any heartless person not to cry.

Dexter: Suppose you kept going another 18 billion light years, what if there's nothing out there? Suppose you kept going another trillion times further, so far out you see nothing. The light from the universe would be fainter than the faintest star. Infinitely cold. Infinitely dark. Sometimes if I wake up and it's dark, I get really scared, like I'm out there and I'm never coming back.
Erik: Here, hold onto this when you sleep. And if you wake up and you're scared, you'll say, "Wait a minute. I'm holding Eric's shoe. Why the hell would I be holding some smelly basketball shoe a trillion light years from the universe? I must be here on earth, safe in my sleeping bag, and Eric must be close by."

SAY A TEAR DIDN'T POP UP AND IF IT DIDN'T REREAD IT UNTILL YOU DO!!!!



This movie stars the little kid that plays Tim in Jurassic Park 1&2 his name is Joseph Mazzello and the Late Brad Renfro he was the little boy in the adventures of Tom and Huck(he was Huck), he was also in The Client which is (his first film, Susan Sarandon) he was also in Sleepers, which is one of my favorite movie of all time. Brad Renfro was a good actor who a lot of people don't even know that he is dead, because he died a week after Heath Ledger which kinda sucks!

Crap...

I'm under the weather and my paper was suppose to be done sometime today but of course I did everything but that. It wasn't cuz I'm sick its because I'm scared. What if I do all this work and they tell me my paper sucks and that I will not receive anything higher than a D and I can not graduate. What if I don't pass this Stats course that's an entire semester behind and I can not graduate I have to stop slacking off and hit the books.

SMH Getting Lifted...

...more like getting pulled down...I don't know why?... Why did I do it to myself? Like I usually avoid a few of these people that I went to get lifted with. Like these people I would chill with them if I really had to, on some forced type shit, but not if I had other shit to do. One of my closest friend, my friend RX and like 2 other people that I can really chill with were the only ones that I would be comfortable with.

The reasoning for me to even go was cuz I couldn't say no. SMH!!! Anyways while I was there it felt like I had just entered another world or like a seceret society, I felt like fucking joshua jackson in skulls, the fucking outsider looking in. All that did was cause me to ask myself "What the fuck! How did I even get here?" For about 3hrs. Any who that experience allowed me to see people a lot more different and sides I didn't even knew existed to some people I thought I knew.

The moral of the story is JUST SAY NO!!! If you have to fucking think about it for about 15min on whether to get lifted or keep it moving... Take the path less traveled your sanity will thank you.

Collectors

I don't know if I have told you but I'm doing my senior thesis on sneaker collectors. So this past weekend while me and the bestie were at Sneaker Con we bumped into DJ Clark Kent he was a cool dude. So I asked him if I can ask him some questions about sneaker collectors. He responded "Sure but I'm not a collector. I'm a wearer. When you get to the wears part hit us up."
So I started thinking about it today like in reality people have the misconception that collectors do not use their collections. The purpose of the collection is to hold, obtain, gather, inform yourself, and then display your collection. These steps are never limited or restricted to how you do them.
So I disagree with the avid air force one collector because you can have a collection and the way you display your collection is by wearing it. It shoes the public the same pride a art collector gets when their collection are in a musems.

WTF?!?

What the fuck is this?

"Go 'head and try fool, die fool, i, cruel
Mean jet, tough car, bad bitch, fly pool
I'm professional, you high school
Mini hardware store, 5 tools
And they're all hammers, you'll turn pale-blue
Not the cops, ock, but i will nail you
Fishscale, that's on the scale boo"

Cam'ron how dare you call yourself a rapper!!!

SMMFH

A Snow Day In March

What the fuck is going on in the world why was there like a fucking blizzard today? Why? I truely hate the fucking snow and rain I hate extreme cold and extreme hot but most of all I HATE FUCKING WET WEATHER!!!!! I staied the entire day in my room.

So I on saturday I bought a bottle of Svedka vodka and we only drank half. This morning I looked at the bottle and it was a 4th of the shit missing I thought my friend had an a drink like @ 5 so I didn't ask her but then after our usual monday night crack session aka tv time I asked her. She said no so I asked the rest of the housemates no one fessed up to it.

I was mad. I wasn't mad cuz someone drank it without asking I got upset because someone drank it period! WTF! Like I am the one that usually buys alcohol and puts it in the fridge but now I see I can't do that anymore its grimey season out here. Like my eggs! I walked out of my room to use the bathroom and someone was using them and then asked me if it was ok like wtf I would understand if they were high or they didn't want to wake me but damn I'm fucking broke and buying eggs, bread, butter, sugar and now fucking alcohol every week is not a good fucking look that's at least $40 a week. The food I don't mind sharing but fuck every week restocking is way to much. Like I'm a picky eater so the things I do eat are important to me. Yea they see my friend using it but that doesn't mean they can too.

Long Lines and Sneaker Cons

Last night we didn't even make it into the club my friend was really drunk and very tired so we basically rode the train down to 42nd street waited in line for about an hour then we took the train back to my house with a couple of stops along the way. The experience was fun I guess.

we then went back to 42nd for a new sneaker event that I will use for my senior thesis it was called "Sneaker Con". So yea that had a very long line which for a first time event was crazy but I did some networking and hopefully do a lot of interviews if I ever get my papers to work in word smh at my sponser.

The whole papers not working thing is starting to get me nervous because what if I missed a very important step in my process I'm going to be very upset.