Last Concept

I finally got my Last tattoo concept well for my college life... well maybe I still gottat think about it.

To put a end to my college career I finally decided what I want. I sat down today and drew out exactly what I wanted so now I'm just trying to see what I'm doing for spring break because if nothing pops up I'm going to just get 2 tattoos and pay some bills.

Everyday that Passes By...

I feel more and more like I bother and annoy people so from here on out I'm going to basically become invisible and just fall deep into my art. Everyone around is getting their life together and I'm just scheming on how to get by tomorrow. I'm going to get a job and just make believe everything is fine. I'm going to keep going to my sessions and do everything I need to do to graduate so I can leave everyone the fuck alone.

I'm tired of reaching out to people to just get their door slammed in my face.

I came all the way to the hood and everyone has their own plans without even telling me knowing that I was coming to see them but you know what!

FUCK EVERYONE!!! I'm done with all of it!

Whoever wants to be my friend can be my friend whoever doesn't FUCK OFF!!!

new obsession...

I have a new idol, well three.
The first one is Robert Frank.
The second is Neil Bedford.
the runner ups.
Third place is Terry Richardson.



highly noted:
Carlos Serrao http://www.carlosserrao.com/
Morten Anderson http://www.mortenphoto.com/
Igor L. http://photo.net/photodb/member-photos?user_id=587684
Hal Sear
Simon Hogsberg

and the 15yr old master Eleanor Hardwick google her and be amazed...

My focuses

I have the attention span of a 5yr old some people seem to still not understand that...


Question: Why must people take out their moods on someone else?

Cry for help....

I have a problem and I know it.

I dislike myself and don't understand how anyone can like me...
as a friend;
as a girlfriend;
as a messing buddy;
as a kid;
as a functioning body of society;
as any type of relationship.

Snow day...

Today was a snow day ... I'm going crazy.

I only know how to dig holes for myself..

horoscope for the day...

Chances are that your efforts will be rewarded. Don't let people push you. Don't analyse the pros and cons all the time, just follow your pathway to glory...

i hope this is true... tomorrow its time to tap into the art skills again yay!!!

I'm tired...

of guys telling me that I have a the perfect personality for someone they want to be with. That I am such a cool person that I have a great personality and everything that they want from someone they would be intrested in but i don't have the looks to match it. I'm so tired of that shit like how can you heart "my swagg" as a guy friend said the other day but "your looks don't fit the girls that I like" as another friend put it. It sucks trust me. Why can't be as pretty as my two friends they are gorgous and they have great out going personalities which just makes it even harder to even be noticed... I just hope that one day my outside matches my "inner beauty" smh I dont even believe that

Early Calls and Throwback Sundays

So I have a lil pick up in my life who's not mine and will never be and it's actually not an issue. I like his personality he's funny we have so much in common and i don't see him... I don't see him in any other way than just some online person who I will meet and chill with and keep it moving. He's my new night convo buddy and nothing more.

Throwback Sundays from now on where we make breakfast in the afternoon and listen to old music that we use to listen to when we firat started school here

horoscope

You've found a good balance between your work and home lives and ought to be able to give each the attention it deserves today. It's a good time to reconnect with those you haven't seen in a while.


I spoke to the fams today idk if I'm accepted back "home" yet...

Drunken isolation

I thought it would be a good idea to drink...and I was alone on this one. So earlier in the week we had gone the liqour store and bought a couple mixes and of course ALCOHOL. Well Amerreto was done so I had like 3 beers and brought on the breakfast of champions! Beer drop a shot glass in the beer and your golden. So 2 champions later and 3 shots of jose and I was gone. I don't really throw up but I felt like I had to so I asked the bestie to check up on me so I didn't die in my sleep. Well here's to the night!

Therapy

This whole week I spent it getting my life together,

So today I went to therapy. Sure that helped me, all they did there was reassure the symptoms. They told me a reason why my friendships are so important... Its because I never had a friend that treated me the same way as I treat them. She also said that maybe the friends I have now don't see me the same way they see each other. I agree the dynamics are not the same but they don't treat me different than each other. I have questioned this before but it was just because I felt like I wasn't needed. I still feel like that but its not because of them its because thats how I see myself.

?: Why do people never learn?

amaretto sour

2 parts Amaretto

4 parts sweet and sour mix

hold the cherries

I love them they are the greatest.

First class I lied extremely lol.

New Housemate she's dope.

Trying to get these dunks

I want them so bad only 40. I wish a friend gave me half hint ;)

***NEW THING***

My question of the day, that's gonna be the new thing because I ask a lot of questions and might as well ask you guys instead of bothering someone personally...


?: Why must bystanders suffer for the choices and comments of others?
Like why should I suffer because my brother doesn't know how to shut the fuck up.

FootLocker dreaming

I need to get my money up. Right now I have a total of $2.35 in my bank account. I have no job, a senior project i'm avoiding and credit card people harassing me. Lets see where this job hunting takes me... I hope Footlocker.

Horoscope for the day:

Let time do your work for you. Other people notice that you're taking more responsibility for things than usual. If you set about things in a relaxed way, you're likely to make less mistakes...

It's time to let go...

When is it a good time to let things go when in some type of relationship with someone?
There are these 2 guys I'm so good with we understand each other we can chill and everything. We could be friends or lovers when we want to but he's an asshole at times and he isn't truely there. I feel now is a good time to dead both of them because I feel like we could just mantain it as friends and be fine with it before anyone gets hurt or starts to get attached.
The motto is
I think we had a good run we enjoyed it but this getting attached feelings, getting hurt, its not working its time to decide time to either step up and stop the nonsense or back off and end it either friendly or enimies... a choice must be made.

Am I really...

Am I really that bad person? I have been told I was one not the badest but one....

Today I heard my mother cry at the sound of my voice it can only push me away to prevent it from happening or bring me back to stop it.

Maybe, Harry Potter was right We ALL have good and bad inside of us, it's the part we choose to act on.


Side Note:
Love and Basketball
I love that movie it's my favorite movie ever.

Ever Feel...

have you ever felt pushed away and not know you were being pushed away?

Like in the AllState commercials

I'm there... maybe space will do the trick.

I think giving people their space will make me feel better. I'm not reaching out to people unless they reach out to me. The only issue is I can be invisible. Most of my friends don't even notice when I'm not there. But space is something everyone will recieve from me this semester I don't want to bother anyone. I want be missed, not annoying...

So...

So today I was bored there was people around but I was bored. I wasn't my usual bored but more like bored with the entertainment I had. There is only so much tv and the same movies someone can watch before they start getting tired. It was like I was alone, with a question about the bestie, and two people being lovey dovey. The first day was good the second was blah.
so she hadn't even left and said "I'll be back" lol I don't think she was lying.

so back in July I told an asshole not to speak to me anymore because they would lead me on and then drop me but in July that line was crossed he asked me out and then in the am told he didn't mean too. It wasn't like "omg I already"... it was more like "omg what if I had?" well today I signned on and I had a friend request that said "If you don't accept this it means you still don't like me but it's cool Happy New Year" so since it's a new year idrc about him I accepted but I also think I did something wrong because I responded to this with "I accepted ur friend request... but it was never that I didn't like you it was that I liked you too much. I liked you in a way you weren't interested in. I liked you more than a friend and I felt like you use to lead me on to then just dead me and there was only so much I could take. I'm not that chick that falls for every nice thing she hears anymore so you have nothing to worry about." I feel like this was a bad choice...

I still don't understand

so today I get an aim that goes "I wanna see her"...
I tell this person if you wanna come come idc. So she, my cousin's ex and her new bf also came they are entertaining in small doses. They are my indulgence for my intake. I love my cousin so seeing her is no issue, but them is small intervals.

So they came over and its good nothing bad just kinda awkward. My cousin says she just wants to visit me and chill but the last time she was here was march 2007. It's my last semester and she's been here twice already I wonder... well we got closer during this last break.

stick-on

I hate feeling like a stick on but I hate being alone. Today I invited myself into the city. When I say invite I mean my bestie was driving into the city and I decided might as well go too. I didn't invite myself to where she was going but I did ask her for a ride. I feel weird at times like maybe I shouldn't ask for a ride though we are heading to the same areas. I know were friends and that favors are done time to time but I don't want her to feel like I'm using her. Anyway I feel like I once again I invited myself along on the trip.

Once in the city I met up with 3 other sneaker aficionados to go to our regular meet up spot it was an ok outting we didn't really do much we talk ate had 1 or 2 drinks and left. It was mid-night and the outting was over ... but the night wasn't.

I headed all the way Uptown to a pool hall were I thought I was meeting up with a large group of friends when I got there it was my cousin's ex-wife, her new bf and my ex-fling (who I no longer spoke to unless it was on a hi and bye). Once there I am told that at the other end two of my cousins, an old fling and their friend so to be nice I said hello. A couple hours later I find myself sitting on a sink with my back against a window locked in a bathroom.

After the bathroom I sat and waited for my friend. She was really drunk and really upset. I felt bad because she's my friend and I hate seeing friends upset but also because I introduced her to the problem of the evening though I could do nothing to help the situation. I'm not gonna lie it was weird because it was one of the three times I've even seen this emotion from this person who I feel is so close to me. It's not an emotion I would associate with this person actually I'm the only person I would associate with this one in particular, but I actually felt like a friend, like I was depended on even if it was just to listen, it felt actually good. I just kinda wished I could have been more helpful.

I knew this would happen...

Today woke up after a long shitty evening lastnight and still felt like shit as I write this. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own head. Today I did something stupid I attempted something stupid but because of how weak of a person I am I couldn't do it. (no not kill myself)

I spoke to my mom today it went really bad I almost broke my phone.

The title for this blog is because yesterday my cousin did something dumb (last blog part b) and today like a dickhead told me that she did want to do it but it was for the better she's crazy...

Why?!?!?!

People now a days don't know what they want and some know what they want and are to scared to chase it. I for one am someone who knows what they want but has no motivation.

Why do people mess up a chance of happiness real life examples
a. The guy I use to talk to was engaged even planing on starting a family but he has cheated on his chick repeatedly multiple times with multiple people. It's crazy I asked him why does he cheat on his girl his answer was simple why not? I love her but all these other girls I run through make me want to be with her more. I haven't met anyone like her or anyone that would make me question my love for her. The whole time I was thinking wow smh.
b. I have a close friend who developed feelings for someone she didnt expect to fall for. She is the type of person who is sensitive and in reality isn't all there, but none the less she's a cool person that like a lot of people don't know how to act in a relationship. She was beating around the bush with this person for along time and she at first attempted but because she thought she was getting feelings to soon and getting confused ran off. Recently she got another chance and wanted the person to be her girlfriend but didn't really go out and ask for the title. Anyway once again fear got the best of her and she pushed the person away. Why if she liked this person so much and wanted to develop more with this person why would she push them away? Thats just fucking STUPID!!!

I think the reasons why these situations upset me is because these people know who they like or love and want to continue some type of relationship with but do so much to prevent it from happening. Why if they are happy must they cheat or push someone away?

I think the reason why it bothers me is because its something I long for myself. Someone I can build some type of connection with and they are just throwing it away.

Readers

I know this blog thing is not for popularity or any of that but I feel like its a place I can ask for advice but I never get feedback I don't even think I have readers so what's the point of posting when I can just save it like a journal on my computer...anyway become a Follower of the blog the link is up so click on it

Secret: It comes with a free HUG!!! I would add it for a hug. lol

Got My Spot Back...

I'm back on the most common place in my apartment... the couch! I love the couch its comfy, I can do everything I do in my room, except the unhygienic stuff (that's just gross). I hate being alone and if im on the couch everyone says hello when they walk in and when they leave they say good bye plus I got a big window so I can open the shades and take in nature. I got the laptop out here and then I got a big ass tv what else am I missing?

How about food, a date, a drink, an L maybe....

It's werid...

I dont know what it is but the guys I think are cute or even fucking pay attention to have one of these issues:
A. Broke (I can deal with this)
B. No Job (I can deal with it if they are in school)
C. Doing nothing (SMH!!!!)
D. Is ENGAGED!!!

The last one is the one that upsets me cuz its like damn I shouldn't but the girl the guy is with isn't in the USA. It's just fun right. I'm not forcing them to say anything and I'm not going to get attached....I hope!

Back on campus

I finally came back to school @ 10am after getting kicked out. lol. I see it as a joke.

Well at least I got out of my house right now I have 5 months to find
1. a job
2. a place to live
3. stability

This trip is good though I came back with some nice things lol
This trip from home I came back with a gift for friend lol it was my cousin shes a very fun person I love hanging out with her. Throughout our friendship has been up and down for years we have been bonding lately.

Like she doesn't really know what she wants and stuff but i think she is really starting to like my friend on some sprung idk how to act around this person level. It's werid cuz she dosen't take people seriously but she really likes her. I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm not cuz of the tempers involved.
Like its cool they like each other but there is usually someone hurt or upset at the end. Hopefully this is one of the ones that the 2 parties are happy at the end....

Runaways and KickOuts

I got kicked out of my house. My parents are strict and old fashioned. I was told I was to much to handle I was lazy I had no dicipline and I just want to do whatever I want. I am 21 yrs old I don't live at home I go to school and I graduate in May!!! WTF do they want from me?

My friend ranaway from home because she didn't want to go to DR. What happened to just saying no...

Feelings At The Moment

I feel like my timing for everything sucks.
I get offended easily and I am sensitive.
I care to much about the small things.
And I am so sensitive I can't hide it I don't even try.
I feel like all my friendships get messed up because of me and the person I am. It bothers me so much that at times I think they are better off. I feel like the most important ones are driftting away slowly because of who I am and my inability to change. It sucks cuz for the first time I feel like I actually love friends and everything is changing. I think I am holding them back in some way idk its weird I am changing I have heard I am becoming unhappy cold and mean ... all this from the number one person other than myself who has made me the fucked up person I am today.

I want to be this new person but how can I if I still am the old me?

KickOuts and Runaways

So I was kicked out of my house on friday for being to much to handle, lazy, doing whatever I want and not listening to the rules. I am 21 yrs old and I go to school. I live on campus and I graduate in may wtf do they want?

My friend ranaway so she wouldn't have to go to DR. SMH just say NO...

old times...

I have an adoptive mom and she loves me...

Hscopes for 09 Are On Point SMH...

Try to visit your friends and acquaintances more often. Relax, you shouldn't want to be active all day, rather try to enjoy your time off. Try to keep account of the situation at home if you make important decisions...

You're dealing with too much stuff today and there's no easy way to back out of it. Try to just handle one thing at a time until you can either call in the cavalry or rush hone for a well-deserved rest.

And It Continues...

So the bullshit in life for me is a every two day thing this year I guess... last night a group got up and left becasue they felt uncomfortable with a group I walked in with so instead of hanging out they left which was the indicator that they felt uncomfortable. I am upset that this is what is happeneing at a place that we go to hangout and smoke at. So I am not freely going over there anymore if I get invited or picked up to go over or if others that are with me want to go then fine I will but me be the one to bring it up and show up than nah its not happening.

Monday Night TV

Well like my usual monday night I sat and watched tv but everything was going wrong! I was so unhappy.
1. I can't watch monday night TV in the comfort of my own home.
2. I went to watch at my friends house but they were so loud it was like me watching tv on mute.
3. Then after everything got calm it was an ok episode I expected more but the show is only a half an hour which is wack.

Since the show I watch is about people getting their shit together I feel like I am not going to do anything with my life... All I have is debt and nothing to do after my degree.

Am I a faliure at life... YES.

Nothing New...but bullshit

There is nothing new about my life right now but there is mad shit going on...

ADDED:
1. I am super broke and I have to come up wit 300 bucks a month for eternity smh...
2. I got a threat to get cut off by someone who is a fucking loser! How you cutting me off when I lend you money get you out of trouble and try to convince your father to help you. Then again your cutting me off ha i laugh at your stupidity go ahead...
3. Something went missing @ a close friends house and the person from comment 2 is believed to be invovled but this person has no money which if he had taken it he would have shown atleast 20 bucks. Anyway now one of the people that live there made me feel uncomfortable so now I'm not going back to her house and I feel bad about it.

Holy BATMAN!!!!!

I want these bad boys...

2 days in

and the year has had it's down falls already...

I don't even wanna talk about it Because I'm just gonna get upset.

Why must one pay for others?
Don't hold shit against me because of something someone else did...

Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Well its a New Year and so much to look forward to with the usual things to avoid.

This year my mottos and goals are...
1. Being nice never pays
2. Think about the Star Player 1st
3. Don't be nice or help anyone
4. Stay away from guys that don't know what they want
5. Graduate
6. Move on with everything
7. FUCK EVERYONE
8. Stop expecting shit from people its a set up for let downs