Halloween

I hate halloween because it reminds me of how fat I am. The costumes are so small and don't look nice at all. So every year I try to use funny costume or some type of celebrity costume to distract the fact that is what I am FAT. All the costumes are sluty and inappropriate for fat people so the ones I wanted to wear are a no no. So this year I decided that I wasn't going to do my typical halloween issues and dress up out of my norms and it worked I had fun. That was the important part of the evening.

Finally

I finally have a job I work 5 days a week and I go to school the other 2 days I went from not doing nothing to being busy as hell. I have so much work piling up because I owed work from before I started the job and now I owe that plus the new amount.

Recap for the month of October...

Love Life: It sucks.

The kid is out of the picture I punched him in the face, I wasn't in the right mind state.

The guy in buffalo is also out of the picture he stopped writing so I stopped writing too.

The ex is kinda like out of focus I would say.

The fling is over he just kept stating thats all it is and was to arrogant to deal with so he's out too.

I had a crush. I told him I had a crush. And that's how far it got nothing more.

School: Sucks.

I have over slept through classes and dismissed others. If I miss one more senior seminar class I will be dropped from the class and I will be one semester behind for graduation. It would suck if because of sleeping through my alarm one more time I will have an extra semester I can not afford to take, I will not be able to graduate.

Money: Still Sucks but getting better.

I finally have a job so I can be stable some how in my life.

Friends: Cosi Cosi (italian: so so)

Group A: It's pretty good but I feel like something is going on between my friends and when everything is out in the open it's not gonna be nice at all. 

Group B: IDK. With one person in the group things are getting back to before but just with that one person.

Family: Distant.

Mental Updating

I haven't really spoke on some stuff I have on my mind right now besides this whole death thing. I find myself a very insecure person and I am extremely sensitive but I have to make a stand at some point. I love my friends they are the greatest people in my life right now. I love them and they apparently love me too. I am closer with one than the other. She is very blunt and honest. These are characteristics that other people might hate but these are the things I love about her whatever she has to say she says it. Recently I have had the feeling that I usually get that I annoy her and usually I ask her and she just gets more annoyed. I feel like everything I say or do is stupid and most of the time I tell her something she becomes very defensive for no reason. I don't know how to approach her on this issue and it's starting to bother me. The point is that right now I feel like I need her more than I have ever had before but I don't know how to ask because I don't know how to put it in words and I don't know what I need. So how can she help me?

I feel like my friends advice always helps me it gives me two great minds to look at things with. But its very hard to read them (apparently I'm an open book) on things like when they feel sad, mad, or ok. Things that when your close to people you should know but I feel like I don't know these things and its getting hard to look them and feel like their friend. I love them and losing their friendship would be devastating which is why I'm dreading graduation.

p.s. If you read this I need a hug that might do it I don't know...

Work Pile-Up

Before the death of my aunt, I had a lot of work to do. Now I've just been super depressed I can't explain it I haven't left my apartment unless I have had too. I was in bed all day today and didn't go to any of my classes, I didn't do any work, nothing. I haven't done shit and it's not getting better. Tomorrow I have a funeral service to attend and I have a feeling its not gonna go well but what funeral has an up side to it.

Guilt

I cant help but feel guilty. I was raised upon the moral that one was not suppose to party or listen to music up to 9 days after the death of a loved one. For some people (like me) this a way of grieving. Listening to music is something I do everyday, when I walk somewhere, get dressed, do work everything. I have felt really bad about me breaking this and I have had some harsh dreams I feel its my subconscious punishing me for the belief of a social oppressor.

Death in the family...

I'm sorry I know I have abandoned my blogging for the last couple days today was the first day I have actually been online. I have been going through it recently, more than my usual amount. My aunt passed away this Wednesday and though I have always been down and unmotivated this death has shown me that no matter how you live your life happiness always ends in sadness. I have grown up hating myself and still do. 

My aunt was the complete opposite. She must have weighted about 450 pounds and was always happy always saw the better side of things. I wish i could have asked her how was she so happy though she was the pun of most jokes and how she over came that. I wonder how she could deal with those looks of pity and disgust?

I always being told I would be just like her and to me thats still a bad thing. Her physical appearance to was gross but her inner beauty is what I lay at night and wish for.