Thoughts from work pt 2

I've been thinking about my friendships lately and realized how different everything would be without how different i would be. First of all I wouldnt be here so Thanks homies. But last night I had a dream that i was at my own funeral and what hurt the most was that no one was there...
Thats pretty harsh to think of everytime i have very depressed thoughts i have this dream. Last night i wasn't having depressed thoughts not even in the day time i was upset, but just between 2pm and 8pm. Anyways the point is i woke up wondering do you think you can sit in on your own funeral after you die and actually be able to hear peoples thoughts? that would be fucking cool if not im kinda upset im gonna miss it by like 2 or 3 dies. Seeing people even faking it might make me think im worth something.

If you can't apply these to friends they are NOT YOUR FRIENDS...
A friend can tell you things you don't want to tell yourself. Like in sex and the city your friends are your mirrors. They can give you issusions but a real friend will tell you reflections you are avoiding.
A friend is someone who knows all about you and loves you just the same. As in this person knows your a fuck up or and ass hole and is still willing to admit they are still ur friend.
A friend is someone you can do nothing with, and enjoy it. If you can't sit with someone and just talk doodoo and not feel annoyed or uncomfortable than they are not your homie.
A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out. Those who are there for you at your lowest will always be there in the long run. Someone whos willing to stand by you when everything is crumbling down is a friend.

Pretend finale of summer

This was one big bad summer I want to just relieve the last 2 yrs of my life. Not because I regret anything but because things I would want to change prevent. Only 2 good things came this summer ok may be three
1. I found out y I apologize.
When I was a kid no matter what I Did most of the time you say sorry and everything goes back like u just did a fucking re do button to life I guess It stuck the unrealistic idea of everything going back to normal. I apologize alot but I mean it everytime I say sorry EVERYTIME!

2. I'm the Nike spokesperson for the advantage department.
That I say yes and do whatever it takes to try to make loved ones happy I rarly say no but people are starting to walk over me and they know they don't have to say or do anything they suggest it and I just do it

3. Boundaries and closeness
everyone has boundaries that need to be respected and the closeness u can think ur close to someone and realize you never really knew them

we all wear masks we only see what the other wants use to see

SERIOUSLY THOUGH (0_o) SERIOUSLY

If you ask me to do something for you I try my best to do it ask any friend of mine when they asked me to do something for them and how many times I have said no. If they ask me for anything like I said before I do it. Recently I've done my best and said yes to not disappoint anyone but of course shit never works in my fucking life.

I asked a friend a simple favor very simple no effort no money spent all they had to do was be there. And guess what they weren't there then this person had the nerve to get mad at me (0_o) <--- (not amused). SERIOUSLY THOUGH (0_o) SERIOUSLY

A small Pick Me Up

this video makes me smile all the time so shrugs

If it ain't one thing it's there

have u ever heard this saying before? It's been about a month since my whole life seem to hit the fan. I'm having issuse with my social life keeping everything straight. The smallest thing sets me off. Just a month ago I fucked up 3 friendships... 3 who does that? One is not so much my fault as it is their own and now they are on vacation and they are gonna move soon so I had less than a handful of friends and I just lost another finger.

Then  after I found out that news I fucked up 2 more friendships. This literally crushed me I couldn't explain what happened I didn't intentionally do it I was drunk but that's no excuse so I didn't even say it but I couldn't think straight. After that the closest friendship I had seemed dead. The other person wasn't even talking to me I blew up on them for no reason. I don't know what occurred. I've been told and read things that made me think and still don't sit right with me there's 3 things actually. I was there before the issue and I'm still here now I just hope it don't blow up in my face. It went from not talking to texting all the time to hangout invites. And I haven't forgotten what happened it replays in my head at least once everyday or other day and I'm sure they are reminded everytime they are talking to me as well. I don't mean to bring up the past but my mom this morning reminded me of how bad a friend I am not just to one person but all 3 of these people. And when I start thinking about this all I can do is sit and think of all the fucked shit I've done to them. 

To top it off last night I started fucking wup something else.
Me: what happen too you last night
Me: ???
Him: Look here buddy I'm workin and I'm stressedd. Soo ill hit u up laterr lol good night.
Me: ... Ummm k goodnight
Him: I know what that means. I aint say it wass u jess... I was just tellin u I was.. And I don't mind u hittin me up. Today was a lil rough and I just toldd u, it wasn't u

This person and I have a past of nonsense and not talking for months and I don't know where it's heading I lust for this person for a longtime and when I didn't he showed up and we've been talking again since May, coming off 6 months of not speaking. He's an asshole but he let's me in at times like puts down his guard at time. The homies don't approve... Shit I don't approve but his comeback is strong if anything it's determined.

 But I always say there's only so much a person can take and everyone is getting to that point with me.  It's gonna get to the point that everyone is gonna dip on me and I'm not gonna have anyone around me (ultimate fear)

 The homie, the cuz and the bestie (I don't even know if she wants to be called that anymore) hit the 4 yr mark which is my friendships usually end cuz by then people don't want to be my friend no more two of these people hit the 4yr mark before hit we didn't talk for about a yr and it the mark restarted again now it's about to end again and thats never ever happened before.

I'm stressed.

For your entertainment

Everyone Hates Drake seems to be the best title for next tape

Real Life ...

is so over rated. Around this time last year school was starting i dint have a job and all i was worried about was how was i gonna fund my drinking and partying for the semester along with food and cell phone. Now I'm worrying about Social life, work life, home and grad school. This is way to extra right now my brain hurts. I need to do some art shit and make money.

still a goodie...

if you want a rap version...



i'm probably going to get fired for blogging at work...

Thoughts While at Work

Can you have a real relationship without benefits?

What is a relationship without benefits! All relationships are involved in some type of exchange not for materials, though there are some digger out there (notice how I didn't specify a sex there.) Google Exchange Theory. (This is how my mind works)
Its the process of negotiated exchanges between parties. Social exchange theory explains that all human relationships are formed by the use of a subjective cost-benefit analysis and the comparison of alternatives. For example, when a person sees the costs of the relationship as outweighing the perceived benefits, then the theory predicts that the person will choose to leave the relationship.

Or you can look at it in the hood version of Karl Marx:
We live in a pimps and hoes society.Theres the pimp who benefits and the hoe who puts in work. The thing is the pimp has to work his hoe to get his $$$. Therefore you both pay. Your paying for it in some way theres an exchange occuring, people think about it.

You learned to social theories today but the real question is

Are you being pimped or are you be fucked?

There's a difference...

thought of the day

Track in the background: I choose you...Gio BasiCali

I carry your heart....
I carry it in mine....
Only if I actually loved a dude SMH... Waiting for that great love moment tired of these bullshit ones. You're DARED to be great...

FREE EP Gio BasiCali

Letting Go

Letting go is the hardest part of any type of relationship.
It's hard for everyone it could be parents, friends, lovers, potenional lovers, or even family.

I'm one of those people that it's so hard for me to let go of things with everything I try to hold on to dead friendships, I chill with people that really don't want to chill with me, I talk to my ex and to 2 of my past flings like they never left it's kinda ridiculous.

A couple of months ago I stopped talking to this guy at his request something about not repecting his chick if we stayed friends i've never met this man I respected his wishes but acouple days ago he hits me up I ignore it and keep it moving same thing again. It's like u not gonna befriend me and dip again so take this as the big FU get over yourself.

I'm one of those people that will always be there I cling to things cuz they give me security but if you really don't want me around just let me know I will leave and not look back but for me to get there again it takes a long time I'm not gonna invest myself again knowing that it could just be for just a month or until better people come around.

It's always better letting go when you have both sides you shouldn't do it just cuz you think it's the right thing to do you can't make the choice for the other person cuz then it's not a relationship it's just you.

ART conquers all...

Yesterday I wrote about art since i feel lost in the world I'm turning back into my 14yr old self. Over the years i have had many art ideas that i no longer do. I have doing it all from sketching to t-shirts to graf its crazy.

skills I've developed:
Music- Trombone, french horn, baritone (I'm no good now but i still can play)
Paper art- paper mache (who didn't do that kindergarten people), Sketching, fortune tellers(that's a talent lol)
Computer- HTML coding, Photoshop, Paint Shop Pro, Paint, illustrator, image ready, flash (i know why do i have this crappy blog then right lol its called no time)
Cans- after breaking some sneakers (don't want to talk about it)I retired
Camera- Photography is new to me
Clothing- Did a couple did a fashion show and quit fucking minorities.
Toys- This I'm gonna do next month lol
writing- stories poems name it i suck.

I had a love for these things. I use to love siting at the computer everyday hack codes out and then do the graphics too. I loved it so much i did it for free. I remember when i started Purchase. It was an art environment people flourish there ... I closed up. I was social compared to before I didn't need all the art stuff i had picked up while i was alone. I needed to be good at something back then to feel better.

Recently I'm spending a lot of time alone. So, I'm gonna give those around me a break from my never ending text and I'm gonna make art my new bff. I already started to re make this page its gonna be the kick star bright edition. Next month I'm gonna try to make my own toys like the munny type toys idk lets see how it goes. I'll keep ya up to date.

signing off from bored@work this is STAR till next time lol

What I do at work...

I hate Jim Jones

I hate him so much but this new comer sounds just like him but so much better he got his cocky Harlem hop ass flow but actually making sense not that okiee dokie bullshit this nigga be spitting any way Esso has this small mixtape I consider his best stuff each track blends well with the next with the exception of one track which is the party track, "living doll" it's still a good track.
DOWNLOAD

Download credit
2DopeBoyz

art or time waster?

So I have a pile of work to do that I am currently completely avoiding it was due weeks ago it sucks because i need this job i need to make my three months probation period and the post probation for the other 3 months. It sucks but its paying. So recently I have neglected all my art endeavors.

How do you...

Apologize to someone who hates apologies? I fucked up during my bday I fucked two of the important things to me. I felt horrible afterwards I still do. I apologized then but everything got weird like if I should have known that they were no longer my friend. Certain days I accepted it and then thought about it and thought like no I'm not gonna let it go. I care way to much for this person and I would do anything for them. And if learning to stay away and how to say no is what I have to do then I'm down.

On Saturday I baked a cake to apologize in person and to really let them know how sorry I was but that plan failed and I still have the cake in my house.

Yesterday was the first time seeing the person again I was worried it would be awkward and they wouldn't want to speak to me. I was ready to be ignored but I'm happy I wasn't. Things aren't the same as before and it's understandable it's not suppose to be. I don't want it to be the same old me that caused this situation to happen I'm trying to be a better person and it's working. Last night I wanted to hug this person and tell them how sorry I was for everything and that I hope that one day we can get past this. But I stopped myself for 3 reasons; I didn't want to bring it up again, I know this person hates apologies and I know this person hates hugs. So how can I apologize in person without causing the situation to escalate?

Jess Star

twitter

So i hate twitter i hated it when it started had a page up for 3 mins then took it off then about 70days ago i started it up again to get some traffic on my blog and guess what it didnt matter so im back to my F twitter shit. The reason i hate twitter so much is because i hate updating things. and twitter is like a rotating away message going off every 5secs. Shurgs no purpose if you really wanna know what im doing just ask.

ITS GAY!!!!

NEW PAGE LOOK COMING in the next week im tired of this one so yea.

If you can, why not?

My answer to almost any favor is yes. If I can do it or I can actually
try to do something about it I'm gonna most likely do it. I hear a lot
of mixed emotions about this but I have come to a conclusion. Saying NO.

As simple of a concept as it seems it's a difficult task for me.
Perfect example, friends at time are mean and don't know how to ask
for things but I think back to all these times that they were there
for me how they didnt turn their back when they could have and that
stops me from saying no.

Some people say I go past being a good friend which makes it so easy
for people to use me and my answer is to you it's using to me is me
returning the favor to a point. All the friends I have right now are
not using me never have. Before it was for money, the other was time,
the other was freedom (don't ask) I am happy to say that now it's not
like. I'm always there or try to be I see why people say it's bad and
I need to stop but everytime I say no i feel like it's a stab and
that's what I'm going to stop I have tried it a couple times but still
feel bad about it even this weekend I should have said no and said yes
and today i'm still paying for it.

I'm starting to live by the motto live and learn but idk about how
long that will last...

Jess Star

Even though...

I fuck up every friendship after 3 or 4 yrs none of them can't say I never
showed them love especially not the last 3... I neversaid I love you
to anyone ever until I meet my last group of friends and I still don't
say it unless I mean it so I'm sure that those true ones if they even
were I would chill with again not cuz I'm lonely or need friends cuz I
have best friends that if either one of us fuck up were there for each
other. That's why I love my besties though we argue and disagree at
times know that I would never want them to be unhappy ever. I'm there
even when they don't want me to.

Jess Star

I AM...

SORRY nah jk I say sorry about 50 times a day what i was really gonna say was that

I AM A TEE SHIRT PERSON.

I must admit i dont care if they tee is for kids, womens, mens, oldies if i like it and it FITs me and i can afford it i'm gonna cop. So i'm sitting at work since 11am crusing the cyber highway when i came upon this blog digslifeofthejetsetter (yes this is Rev RUN's kid i know tv ruins the world hear me out) this kid is pretty honest on his opinion on fashion unlike the average lil hypebeast walking around. he has money (well his dad does) and he goes shopping but he got a style dont play him for his age. So this AM I went through all his post i didnt read all of them but i read a god amount and it was enjoyable not gonna lie.

i decide to check out karmaloop urbanoutfitters and acouple other sites and its all this repeated art and color ways on tees every brand has atleast one look in common and i know its like if you find something that sells go for it but will it kill anyone to drop their own look instead of having each brand look the same.

he speaks the truth

So every couple months when i have nothing but time i sit in front of a computer and i look this guy up REVOLVERSFRESH never have i met him dont even know how i even found his page or if he found mine its myspace people anyways dude is pretty talented and funny from what i saw and has good stuff well heres what i'm talking about




Clip from REVOLVERSFRESH