Skipping

So I decided to skip Pre-Shock but I also had a visitor my nephew came up for the weekend and he is hella funny but SMH at him at times. We got lifted though it was just a small amount it did what was needed. Then cracked some jokes and called it a night.

So...

So... today starts my weekend. I actually did a lot of work, well in my standards which is pretty low lol. But I got the work done.
Anywho Today kicks off my Culture Shock Extravaganza (Inserts Jamie Foxx here). I went to the mall picked up a lot of the things I needed for the weekend. Things like Pancake mix, Turkey bacon(tastes am-ma-ma-may-zing) *BTW I know it's not spelled like that its "amazing" for all you grammer/spelling freaks out there*, Twinkies, Sugar, Oreos, etc.

I made some amazing fried Twinkies OMG they hit the spot if you look back to last year I also made some they were also awesome don't knock it till you try it.

Get your freak on

These are the worst condoms ever...but this shit just blew my mind enjoy!!!

Ok so you guys remember...

ok so I had a drawn out idea for a tattoo but then after thinking about it for a while I decided not to do it I have 2 ideas that I want to do and I am in the process of drawing it out I also just remembered one that I think I should have done earlier it would have reminded me everyday.

Weekend recap

Thursday- Went home chilled in my house all day and hungout.

Friday- "Good Friday" came back from home (still didn't get my cardigan)and chilled with the besties it was Prom Night(theme party) then went to Nyack to some bars that was fun. When we got back the mess was crazy we at some food and called a night.

Saturday- At 9:20AM I was woken up I was mad but still couldn't bring myself to just say and let loose everything I felt. (I don't know whats wrong with my rage I perfer to keep it in and take it out on myself than on other people.) Got into a small arguement and didn't even get upset when I really just wanted to let all my anger out on this one person but they wouldn't have deserved it. (The person later apologized, but my answer was "I hold grudges and it's gonna take time," but in all honesty I dont give 2 fucks about this person she's crossed out my book already, she doesn't exist so I'm not mad at her she's just not there.) I went to a party on the otherside of campus called "The Butt Naked Affair pt.2" the music was great. Chilled with some homies.

Sunday- "Easter" got into it with the fucking mexicans at McDs they fucked up my early morning. Woke up at like 3:30PM and laid in bed thinking about all the things I must do so I could graduate. Then had a great dinner amoung the few people I talk to on campus (except for one person) and 2 new faces.

Expanding my blogger

I have a new blog that should be up in running in about 5 days because I'm trying to custom code it but its not going to good lol nvm I changed my mind I'm have it running tomorrow stay tuned

Great Day

Today started off great I actually felt motivated and I did a lot of work and it felt great. I ended up going to bed at about 5:20am I was up by 9:45am I know I hardly slept but it was still a great day.

Why are you mad at me for?

I feel like I'm being punished by dealing with my cousins dumbness yesterday on my way home I was speaking to her and I told her o I'm gona change your ringtone to every girl she got mad exactly how the convo went:

Me: Them chicks left

Her: Yeap

Her: Lol

Me: Cool lol

Me: I'm gonna make that song every girl your ringtone

Her: What?

Her: Wtf

Her: Ur beasting

Me: The song every girl that's gonna be ur ringtone

Me: Its just a song

Her: Nothing happened we were up

Her: My brother was there

Her: Lol

Her: Anyways

Her: Ttyl

Her: But y that song

Me: That's not why I said it ur making a big deal out of nothing

Me: Laters

Her: Smh no y the hell that song



I was gonna answer her question but the more I thought about how she was gonna blow up again for no reason I didn't even answer her. I love her but I hate dealing with her. She's selfish, stubburn, her pride and her made up ideas and sceniaros that make no sense make her difficult to deal with.



On monday she got mad because I agreed with her in a situation that I had no business knowing. Like how do you get mad cuz I'M ON YOUR SIDE!!!!! How the fuck does that happen?!?!?! I'm done! You know how they say 3 strikes ... She just song and missed for the last time. In these last week from last friday to today she got mad at me 4 times or more just cuz there are 7 days a walk if your made at most of the week fuck just don't speak to me.

P.S.

My nightmares are back...I need to fucking sleep right now!!!!!! *screams* This is so not working

Damn homie...

Last night I thought a lot while I watched the sex and the city movie 2 times and thought maybe life is more than the bullshit I see before. I have these plans that only go to the next couple months. I just realized why I really stop myself most of the time. Because I have the fear of what's next... You see what's next never comes if you don't finish now...

I've been on these meaningful comments trip for the last week.

NOTE to the close homies: remind me to finish grad gift multiple time throughout the next 2 weeks

This is what I mean

My mom just called me. She asked me if I'm going home for easter break smh. We have a weekend off not the entire week like the last 3yrs I've been in school it hasn't changed smh. But that wasn't the crazy thing she said.



We were speaking about graduation and all that stuff. I told her the graduation date. My mom just asked me "O we don't have to go up there... right?" I'm like to what graduation she's like "yea". This is how my feeling get hurt, like your my mom shouldn't you want to be there. These last for years I've been at school bettering myself (dique...) And you have the nerve to ask me do you really have to come to my graduation. Its my fucking graduation!!!! Smh WTF!!!!!!!!!!! Like she has only been here once ever and it was to drop off my stuff she didn't even come when I admitted I wanted to die like what the fuck kind of parents did I get stuck with. My answer to her was silence for a while then I just told her "You guys don't have to come if you don't want too..." and hung up on her.

5 plus pages

Today I have made progress on my paper I'm finally getting motivated to do it. I think I just sucked up the fear that was driving me crazy. I really feel better. I guess the cheer up session worked hopefully it's not just until Tuesday.

O today we are throwing a party. Its called "Bathing Suits and Jungle Juice" I think. I heard that there are another 2 parties on campus so this one should be just a few people and not be that packed.

Cheer up session

So I asked the bestie if we could go to the movies because my last 3 posts explain I was feeling really bad. I love watching movies because I love the stories they entertain me. We went to Applebees had a great time. I love hanging out with her, we have great conversations. She deals with a lot of my stuff and I know she really doesn't have too. She always has good advice and tells me truth whether I want to hear it or not. I feel like whatever I tell her she will give me an honest judgement on it. Though at times I perfer not getting into arguement over things but thats unavoidable its a packaged deal with any friendship. I never feel like she's forcing herself to be my friend or that she is just hanging out with me when she has nothing to do.

We went to see Knowing it was a really good movie I really liked it though it was sci-fi and it's hard for me to like movies within that genre. I expected the movie to have a cheesy ending but suprisingly it had a very realistic ending well not your average hollywood ending where in some way everything is just dandy I love movies like that.

something new

I feel like nothing in my life is making me happy like usually I immerse myself into my friends and the whole party scene. But I can feel people getting tired of me always being around. I joke and kid around but most of the time is because I hate being with myself you know what it is that sitting in a room for more than 4hrs alone causes anxiety and stress thats not normal. I feel like my entire life is a joke I sit everyday and think what's my next move should I even have one...

Old feelings die hard...

I have been "depressed" as they say for a long time now. Things that make me happy are very limited now. If you've read my blog and have never noticed this about me then your slow sorry. I went through some sites and they actually said I was suicidal. Though I wouldn't kill myself because I dislike pain and thought of my mom and a couple of friends (that I hope would care) I wouldn't want them to have to go through that so I wouldn't do it.(If your someone I consider a friend then be happy your one of the few keeping me here lol jk.) Anyways these are the 4 points in which iIgot nerves about if I have told you any of these before personally cara a cara (face to face)then were close or I think more of you than others. ‘life will never get any different or better’ ‘its all just hopeless/pointless’ ‘I can’t go on any more’ and my fave ‘the world is better off without me’. *Shrugs* it happens.

work for nothing

i did work for nothing. well not nothing but i didnt even have my senior meeting today so i did work that wasnt really needed.

still

I'm in class right now doing nothing. The semester is almost over and this was the first time I was in this class, SMH. I still haven't slept but I have so much work to do before tomorrow. This is the only way I can do work


edit now it's 1:21am still no work done

9:30 am

No sleep long 2 days ahead maybe not such a good idea... just sitting here in my room alone which was once dark my head filled with thoughts of how much I am fucking up. The worst part is I'm the only one that can change that but too scared to. So to preoccupy myself I decided to write in here. I updated the blog, watched a lot of law and order (still watching now), and wrote my photography final proposal. I also reread my aim and text convos it was ridiculously an act of randomness.

Well last night I was making a few comments that I didn't expect anything from I jokingly was just talking and acting like my usual 5yr old self. But other than that I had an awesome day just a little bored but no one is here to entertain me so I just moved on and left the person alone I hope the person doesn't think I'm tight cuz I actually did my normal thing that I do when I am mad but I just learned to give space after... i feel it doesn't matter though I hope not.

Its over

The fun is over... Not yet the summer is around the corner but before summer comes REAL LIFE starts. Its crazy my next month and a half are going to be crazy for the next 2 weeks my paper has to be finish so my scared to move forward must end now I'm ready to graduate its just the life after it.

Once I'm done here I have to move back home with my parents who are old and are extremely picky with me. For the next 2 weeks I am going to try to convince or aleast give the idea to my brother that he should move to PA at the start of the summer instead of the end of the summer and that he should let me, his son and my friend rent out his apartment. I think it would work atleast for a while me and my friend (maybe. hopefully I've lived with her for 2yrs now but maybe she needs a break from me. who knows) both rent rooms and pay him rent and his son who is a problem has atleast one person looking after him. I think it might work... I hope so

Recap of last night

Diddy flow *Last night I deaded all the guys around me* lol Nah actually I just know now that I can move on and not care about "Oh there's no one out there for me" or my idea that I can't be seen in any other way than how I see myself (my biggest fear is being alone). Which they proved wrong through out the night so I'm fine with it because that's done with but nothings really changed.
Anyway a lot of good things happened (like people actually getting along) and some that shouldn't have happened (like my cousin's ex arguing with one of the guys we chilled with) but its weird to explain.
There are things that I know but can't tell anyone. I mean no one, because I told one of the other parties I wouldn't. Both sides of both situations are close to me. On one side is a family member on the other is a friend (both of which have at some point been a very close friend). I have one cousin calling me fake and both questioning what they can and can not talk to me about. It's hectic but one I can deal with and not fuck up but the other is to late.
I knew I shouldn't have but we're family and my cousin was suffering. So whether my friend finds out or not I'm fine with it I will lose a friend and maybe my cousin wasn't worth it but they deserved to know where I stood in that situation and that I was there for them. Some people might think what I did was wrong and selfish, fuck it most people will but I did what I thought was right and just under the scope of what they asked me nothing more than what they wanted to know. I don't plan to betray a friend but I know I won't I have learned my lesson already. It's the cousin I'm worried about. Finally thinks they know now what they want I just hope it's not to late, there are only 2 consequences love or closure the thing is pick a cousin they both have this choice.