A new week of hard work to come

This whole week I have to do actual work both for school and for my damn job.

Thankgiving...

...it was actually good. I hate going home. This Thanksgiving was a good one though I had such a good day. I woke up cooked some food for the family, I then hungout in my house with the them until like around 6 I dropped off food for an old friend that wasn't spending the day without loved ones. Then I hungout with one of my good friends that has shown me that our friendship is more important than bullshit. then we went and purchased our drink for the evening and headed to our normal hangout spot. There I saw some people I hadn't seen in awhile we drank and enjoyed ourselves. My buddy showed up and told me how much he missed me. This was a first. I saw a new side to him. I think this was the spark I was looking for but the only problem is there is no way it can get serious. It was a great day. It was a day I could actually give thanks about.

I did do some dumb things though. I hit up my friends even though I was trying to hold back. Then I hit up this crush I had like 2 weeks ago that has faded since then and told him if he wanted to be my fuck buddy. I know what was I thinking the convo went like "Oh, I don't like you anymore but do you wanna be my fuck buddy? No one has to know." Thats where I'm leaving this conversation at (I don't even know how I'm gonna act towards him now). I work all day for the next 3 days so see you guys on Monday when I'm bored at work alone.

old friendships die hard...

I have been told that I am a great friend and that I do way to much. Actually I've heard this way to many times to even consider this a good thing. My whole life I have felt like my friends are the most important things to me but after being walked over a couple dozen times I'm tired of this shit. Don't get me wrong I feel like my friends that I currently have are the truest friends I have ever had next to two old school homies that get an honorable mention.

The point of this post is that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm going to try something new I'm going to give my friends the most space possible because I know I'm always around them and this is time for them and their closest.

The title to this blog is due to a friendship that I just can't let go of. This person is manipulative and they seek attention or its done for the day. Now that I'm not around them I don't have to deal with them anymore but this person has changed a lot in the last 7 months. I reached out to them yesterday and they took it as being depressing. Now they were an good friend time to time and I could confide in them but now it's like "Who is this person? Do I even know you?" The worst part about it is that I still want to be their friend. How can this be when they have put a gap between me and some of the people that were the closest to me 5 months ago.

What do you hate?

So my friend and I were talking as I made pancakes about this forum that someone wrote talking about what are things people hate...
So right after I said a stupid comment my real one popped up. I started thinking what do I hate and the first thing that popped up was me. Right after me was lying especially bad lying. I gets me heated especially when it's about something dumb.

Maybe its me ...

Everyone wants to leave except me! Let me explain I mean I want to graduate and I want to leave school but I don't want to lose these two great people. They have been there for me more than my friends in the past. They have stood by me whenever I have needed them to no questions asked. I don't want to leave this place a lose these close friends or drift apart from them its hard for me to keep friends... It hard living on the same street and keep a friend I can just imagine how hard it's going to be to keep friends that are gonna be miles away. This has been eating me up inside with a constant fear of May, not not graduating, not my senior project but this. They are like my sisters even if they don't accept it to me they will be secretly.(Well not anymore.)

so i quit

I started a job on the first of November and its an ok job you just have to convince people and I'm not good at that it is not my strong point. So, on Saturday I gave my 2 weeks notice. I mean the people at the job are great the job is ok the demands of the job are not good at all. The next day, I was re-hired.

Photography

I am obsessed with the idea of Photography. I am buying a new Digital Canon Rebel xti 10 or 12mp idc which DSLR camera next friday and I can't wait it's gonna be expensive but I want it and I'm gonna use it so might as well splurg... right?

Light Bulb

So I was sitting in one of my classes and an idea hit me for something special I want to do for my friends because this is our last year together at school before everyone parts back to their own worlds before college and this friendship. I would just put it on here because its a cool idea but then again I don't really want to cuz I'm not sure they read my blog anyway. But its gonna be great and it's not that expensive and I know they will love it.

work school school work work work work

Thats my schedule I went from sitting on my couch all day to working 5 days a week and school the other 2 days what was I thinking. SMH...

weekend 12 since school started

This was the 12th weekend since school started, though every weekend we get fucked up and party this weekend I decided to get fucked up and stay at home it worked just the same and i got some sleep so I am a okay.

Weekend # 11 and counting

Lets get fucked up thats the motto for every weekend. We have gotten messed up every weekend since school started.

I was a part of history ...

Today I voted and Obama was the winner the first black president YES!!!!! Finally CHANGE

Damn i should be kanye...lol

I hate when people take kindness as a weakness of character. You give people a slice and they want a lot more. Why? I've been nothing but nice but being mean is so much easier for some. Not everyone can be cold and heartless.  

Halloween

I hate halloween because it reminds me of how fat I am. The costumes are so small and don't look nice at all. So every year I try to use funny costume or some type of celebrity costume to distract the fact that is what I am FAT. All the costumes are sluty and inappropriate for fat people so the ones I wanted to wear are a no no. So this year I decided that I wasn't going to do my typical halloween issues and dress up out of my norms and it worked I had fun. That was the important part of the evening.

Finally

I finally have a job I work 5 days a week and I go to school the other 2 days I went from not doing nothing to being busy as hell. I have so much work piling up because I owed work from before I started the job and now I owe that plus the new amount.

Recap for the month of October...

Love Life: It sucks.

The kid is out of the picture I punched him in the face, I wasn't in the right mind state.

The guy in buffalo is also out of the picture he stopped writing so I stopped writing too.

The ex is kinda like out of focus I would say.

The fling is over he just kept stating thats all it is and was to arrogant to deal with so he's out too.

I had a crush. I told him I had a crush. And that's how far it got nothing more.

School: Sucks.

I have over slept through classes and dismissed others. If I miss one more senior seminar class I will be dropped from the class and I will be one semester behind for graduation. It would suck if because of sleeping through my alarm one more time I will have an extra semester I can not afford to take, I will not be able to graduate.

Money: Still Sucks but getting better.

I finally have a job so I can be stable some how in my life.

Friends: Cosi Cosi (italian: so so)

Group A: It's pretty good but I feel like something is going on between my friends and when everything is out in the open it's not gonna be nice at all. 

Group B: IDK. With one person in the group things are getting back to before but just with that one person.

Family: Distant.

Mental Updating

I haven't really spoke on some stuff I have on my mind right now besides this whole death thing. I find myself a very insecure person and I am extremely sensitive but I have to make a stand at some point. I love my friends they are the greatest people in my life right now. I love them and they apparently love me too. I am closer with one than the other. She is very blunt and honest. These are characteristics that other people might hate but these are the things I love about her whatever she has to say she says it. Recently I have had the feeling that I usually get that I annoy her and usually I ask her and she just gets more annoyed. I feel like everything I say or do is stupid and most of the time I tell her something she becomes very defensive for no reason. I don't know how to approach her on this issue and it's starting to bother me. The point is that right now I feel like I need her more than I have ever had before but I don't know how to ask because I don't know how to put it in words and I don't know what I need. So how can she help me?

I feel like my friends advice always helps me it gives me two great minds to look at things with. But its very hard to read them (apparently I'm an open book) on things like when they feel sad, mad, or ok. Things that when your close to people you should know but I feel like I don't know these things and its getting hard to look them and feel like their friend. I love them and losing their friendship would be devastating which is why I'm dreading graduation.

p.s. If you read this I need a hug that might do it I don't know...

Work Pile-Up

Before the death of my aunt, I had a lot of work to do. Now I've just been super depressed I can't explain it I haven't left my apartment unless I have had too. I was in bed all day today and didn't go to any of my classes, I didn't do any work, nothing. I haven't done shit and it's not getting better. Tomorrow I have a funeral service to attend and I have a feeling its not gonna go well but what funeral has an up side to it.

Guilt

I cant help but feel guilty. I was raised upon the moral that one was not suppose to party or listen to music up to 9 days after the death of a loved one. For some people (like me) this a way of grieving. Listening to music is something I do everyday, when I walk somewhere, get dressed, do work everything. I have felt really bad about me breaking this and I have had some harsh dreams I feel its my subconscious punishing me for the belief of a social oppressor.

Death in the family...

I'm sorry I know I have abandoned my blogging for the last couple days today was the first day I have actually been online. I have been going through it recently, more than my usual amount. My aunt passed away this Wednesday and though I have always been down and unmotivated this death has shown me that no matter how you live your life happiness always ends in sadness. I have grown up hating myself and still do. 

My aunt was the complete opposite. She must have weighted about 450 pounds and was always happy always saw the better side of things. I wish i could have asked her how was she so happy though she was the pun of most jokes and how she over came that. I wonder how she could deal with those looks of pity and disgust?

I always being told I would be just like her and to me thats still a bad thing. Her physical appearance to was gross but her inner beauty is what I lay at night and wish for.