ahhhh...

I just hit a downward spiral.
I don't know how to explain it.
I went to talk to a friend but they seemed occupied at the moment and I didn't want to cockblock. Especially with whatever i'm going through and the comments I always get about smothering.

On another note the person that has had me very occupied(blame him for the missing blogs)just like dropped me off the face of the earth really quick it went from every ten seconds to an entire day of no comments, but fuck that nigga he got a girl already.

My nephew is visiting but I feel bad for him but then again I don't.
I just want him to leave right now but its 3:18 AM and he's not even in my room. He took over the besties room. He loves her too. She been fams...

Graduation is 3 days away shrugs not as happy as i thought....

Twisted

AirKarina hit us up the other day to go to a club so last night we went we partied and now were wasted!!! I feel like puking .,
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1 week

In exactly 1 week life for the last 4yrs will be over. Graduation is right there and my worries are gone. Cap and gown chilling on the hanger and nothing but doubts and debts about the real world.

I'm worried...though I know I don't have to be, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel that way. I've gone through the process of separating from friends and they are gone. And I see them whenever I'm home and it's never gonna be the same. So the break is coming and all I can think of is shit really gonna be the same.

Who knows whats gonna happen I'm hoping that by the end of the summer my life has some stability and by new years I want to have moved out my house.

Nigga ... YOU GAY...ALL HOMO

Funniest shit I have seen in the last 2 weeks
SMH.

NBA Playoffs

I hate the NBA palyoffs they mess up my TV shows SMH.

But either way I'm hoping DENVER Smacks the MAVS back to fucking 2000
and the LAKERS to get knocked too

WTF

How the fuck did I become a heartbreaker?!?!
Its impossible. But for the last couple days dudes
I don't speak to nomore hit me up calling me a heartbreaker!

The weather is warmer now and niggas just been hitting me up.

Main Question:

WHERE WERE YOU 4MONTHS AGO?!?!

Missing In Action....

You wanna know how you know I have mad work....
cuz my blog hasnt been posted in since april 27th

Jam of the week

I get high - Styles P

Blast that!!!!!!!!!!
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Do I really?

Like do I really annoy people that much? #
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Scary Movies

So a while ago me and the bestie had a chat about scary movies and I told her I didn't find any movies actually scary. So it has taken me about a month to actually sit and think back to them so last night I watched the 6th sense and I watched the skeleton Key. Now the 6th sense I've seen it a few times but I watched it to understand the story not for the horror content. I watch movies for the plots and story lines because I hate to read the last book I read entirely was down these mean streets and that took me 5yrs to read no lie.
Anyways I watched it for the horror content and I must admit she was right as much as I hate admitting that there were parts that just creeped me out way to much. So I made a list of movies that I think that I can say have at some point scared me (some it isn't the entire movie) some of which caused me to lose sleep. Skeleton key (kept me up that whole ritual thing was scary)
Gods hand(was just creepy it made me scared of extremely religious people)
The orphange (them lil kid ghost shit was scary)
The ring 1 & 2 (I've seen it so many times that I don't think its scary but it kinda did make it hard to sleep the 1st time both of them)
Final destination (just the idea of death hunting you down is crazy)
These are just Old Scary shit
Pet cemetary
The puppet masters
Friday the 13th#
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I feel...

...like changing the look so expect a NEW banner probably Friday. And my NEW blog (based on photography) will be up Tuesday working on the banner.

Nice outside

A day of waste it was wonderful weather today and all my plans went to the toilet. I expected to go to the city this morning but that didn't work out cuz I was up for a little trying to get a ride, that didn't work. So I was going to take the bus and ended up falling back to sleep waiting for the right time SMH. I decided to stay cuz I woke up around 3 and going to the city coming back that would take so much time I just stayed :(

I spent the day listening to music and editing my iTunes when I was suppose to be doing my paper. So I'm about to start doing my paper now and getting this shit done ASAP.

looking back...

I'm looking back at this last weekend and looked at all the culture shock pictures from previous years I realized I can't remember past last year.
2009:Drake & The Cool Kids
2008:Cassidy & Jadakiss(I think)
2007:Slick Rick(was this in 08?)
2006:???

does anyone know this answer!!!!!

New or Old?

I so the same way guys leave my life new and old ones enter. The old one I have issues with but we have decided to put everything in past and just stay in the friends zone and ignore the flirting and just keep it respectful.
The other oldie but a goodie I can't even be with but he will be fun if he ever comes around.
The new-new guy he seems to really like me but idk about him we have good convo but idk if I see him that way I'm gonna give him time though he's cool.

200th Post!!!!

YAY!!! I'm up to 200!!! I havent been on in a while much has happened...I'll get into it later though

Right now I'm updating my itunes ... working on my senior project I'll put the link up for those who want to read it maybe lol but I'm working on launching my photo blog it's still coming.

Today I recieved my free Nike Coraline Dunks I can't wait to sell them shits... Best investment ever cuz it was Free-ninty-nine

Culture Shock in full effect

Culture Shock has arrived today consists of getting lifted, drinking, and Drake. Yeah Drake will be here tonight I have a media pass so I should have some amaing pictures up soon so get ready all you Drizzy fans out there.

Skipping

So I decided to skip Pre-Shock but I also had a visitor my nephew came up for the weekend and he is hella funny but SMH at him at times. We got lifted though it was just a small amount it did what was needed. Then cracked some jokes and called it a night.

So...

So... today starts my weekend. I actually did a lot of work, well in my standards which is pretty low lol. But I got the work done.
Anywho Today kicks off my Culture Shock Extravaganza (Inserts Jamie Foxx here). I went to the mall picked up a lot of the things I needed for the weekend. Things like Pancake mix, Turkey bacon(tastes am-ma-ma-may-zing) *BTW I know it's not spelled like that its "amazing" for all you grammer/spelling freaks out there*, Twinkies, Sugar, Oreos, etc.

I made some amazing fried Twinkies OMG they hit the spot if you look back to last year I also made some they were also awesome don't knock it till you try it.

Get your freak on

These are the worst condoms ever...but this shit just blew my mind enjoy!!!

Ok so you guys remember...

ok so I had a drawn out idea for a tattoo but then after thinking about it for a while I decided not to do it I have 2 ideas that I want to do and I am in the process of drawing it out I also just remembered one that I think I should have done earlier it would have reminded me everyday.

Weekend recap

Thursday- Went home chilled in my house all day and hungout.

Friday- "Good Friday" came back from home (still didn't get my cardigan)and chilled with the besties it was Prom Night(theme party) then went to Nyack to some bars that was fun. When we got back the mess was crazy we at some food and called a night.

Saturday- At 9:20AM I was woken up I was mad but still couldn't bring myself to just say and let loose everything I felt. (I don't know whats wrong with my rage I perfer to keep it in and take it out on myself than on other people.) Got into a small arguement and didn't even get upset when I really just wanted to let all my anger out on this one person but they wouldn't have deserved it. (The person later apologized, but my answer was "I hold grudges and it's gonna take time," but in all honesty I dont give 2 fucks about this person she's crossed out my book already, she doesn't exist so I'm not mad at her she's just not there.) I went to a party on the otherside of campus called "The Butt Naked Affair pt.2" the music was great. Chilled with some homies.

Sunday- "Easter" got into it with the fucking mexicans at McDs they fucked up my early morning. Woke up at like 3:30PM and laid in bed thinking about all the things I must do so I could graduate. Then had a great dinner amoung the few people I talk to on campus (except for one person) and 2 new faces.

Expanding my blogger

I have a new blog that should be up in running in about 5 days because I'm trying to custom code it but its not going to good lol nvm I changed my mind I'm have it running tomorrow stay tuned

Great Day

Today started off great I actually felt motivated and I did a lot of work and it felt great. I ended up going to bed at about 5:20am I was up by 9:45am I know I hardly slept but it was still a great day.

Why are you mad at me for?

I feel like I'm being punished by dealing with my cousins dumbness yesterday on my way home I was speaking to her and I told her o I'm gona change your ringtone to every girl she got mad exactly how the convo went:

Me: Them chicks left

Her: Yeap

Her: Lol

Me: Cool lol

Me: I'm gonna make that song every girl your ringtone

Her: What?

Her: Wtf

Her: Ur beasting

Me: The song every girl that's gonna be ur ringtone

Me: Its just a song

Her: Nothing happened we were up

Her: My brother was there

Her: Lol

Her: Anyways

Her: Ttyl

Her: But y that song

Me: That's not why I said it ur making a big deal out of nothing

Me: Laters

Her: Smh no y the hell that song



I was gonna answer her question but the more I thought about how she was gonna blow up again for no reason I didn't even answer her. I love her but I hate dealing with her. She's selfish, stubburn, her pride and her made up ideas and sceniaros that make no sense make her difficult to deal with.



On monday she got mad because I agreed with her in a situation that I had no business knowing. Like how do you get mad cuz I'M ON YOUR SIDE!!!!! How the fuck does that happen?!?!?! I'm done! You know how they say 3 strikes ... She just song and missed for the last time. In these last week from last friday to today she got mad at me 4 times or more just cuz there are 7 days a walk if your made at most of the week fuck just don't speak to me.

P.S.

My nightmares are back...I need to fucking sleep right now!!!!!! *screams* This is so not working

Damn homie...

Last night I thought a lot while I watched the sex and the city movie 2 times and thought maybe life is more than the bullshit I see before. I have these plans that only go to the next couple months. I just realized why I really stop myself most of the time. Because I have the fear of what's next... You see what's next never comes if you don't finish now...

I've been on these meaningful comments trip for the last week.

NOTE to the close homies: remind me to finish grad gift multiple time throughout the next 2 weeks

This is what I mean

My mom just called me. She asked me if I'm going home for easter break smh. We have a weekend off not the entire week like the last 3yrs I've been in school it hasn't changed smh. But that wasn't the crazy thing she said.



We were speaking about graduation and all that stuff. I told her the graduation date. My mom just asked me "O we don't have to go up there... right?" I'm like to what graduation she's like "yea". This is how my feeling get hurt, like your my mom shouldn't you want to be there. These last for years I've been at school bettering myself (dique...) And you have the nerve to ask me do you really have to come to my graduation. Its my fucking graduation!!!! Smh WTF!!!!!!!!!!! Like she has only been here once ever and it was to drop off my stuff she didn't even come when I admitted I wanted to die like what the fuck kind of parents did I get stuck with. My answer to her was silence for a while then I just told her "You guys don't have to come if you don't want too..." and hung up on her.

5 plus pages

Today I have made progress on my paper I'm finally getting motivated to do it. I think I just sucked up the fear that was driving me crazy. I really feel better. I guess the cheer up session worked hopefully it's not just until Tuesday.

O today we are throwing a party. Its called "Bathing Suits and Jungle Juice" I think. I heard that there are another 2 parties on campus so this one should be just a few people and not be that packed.

Cheer up session

So I asked the bestie if we could go to the movies because my last 3 posts explain I was feeling really bad. I love watching movies because I love the stories they entertain me. We went to Applebees had a great time. I love hanging out with her, we have great conversations. She deals with a lot of my stuff and I know she really doesn't have too. She always has good advice and tells me truth whether I want to hear it or not. I feel like whatever I tell her she will give me an honest judgement on it. Though at times I perfer not getting into arguement over things but thats unavoidable its a packaged deal with any friendship. I never feel like she's forcing herself to be my friend or that she is just hanging out with me when she has nothing to do.

We went to see Knowing it was a really good movie I really liked it though it was sci-fi and it's hard for me to like movies within that genre. I expected the movie to have a cheesy ending but suprisingly it had a very realistic ending well not your average hollywood ending where in some way everything is just dandy I love movies like that.

something new

I feel like nothing in my life is making me happy like usually I immerse myself into my friends and the whole party scene. But I can feel people getting tired of me always being around. I joke and kid around but most of the time is because I hate being with myself you know what it is that sitting in a room for more than 4hrs alone causes anxiety and stress thats not normal. I feel like my entire life is a joke I sit everyday and think what's my next move should I even have one...

Old feelings die hard...

I have been "depressed" as they say for a long time now. Things that make me happy are very limited now. If you've read my blog and have never noticed this about me then your slow sorry. I went through some sites and they actually said I was suicidal. Though I wouldn't kill myself because I dislike pain and thought of my mom and a couple of friends (that I hope would care) I wouldn't want them to have to go through that so I wouldn't do it.(If your someone I consider a friend then be happy your one of the few keeping me here lol jk.) Anyways these are the 4 points in which iIgot nerves about if I have told you any of these before personally cara a cara (face to face)then were close or I think more of you than others. ‘life will never get any different or better’ ‘its all just hopeless/pointless’ ‘I can’t go on any more’ and my fave ‘the world is better off without me’. *Shrugs* it happens.

work for nothing

i did work for nothing. well not nothing but i didnt even have my senior meeting today so i did work that wasnt really needed.

still

I'm in class right now doing nothing. The semester is almost over and this was the first time I was in this class, SMH. I still haven't slept but I have so much work to do before tomorrow. This is the only way I can do work


edit now it's 1:21am still no work done

9:30 am

No sleep long 2 days ahead maybe not such a good idea... just sitting here in my room alone which was once dark my head filled with thoughts of how much I am fucking up. The worst part is I'm the only one that can change that but too scared to. So to preoccupy myself I decided to write in here. I updated the blog, watched a lot of law and order (still watching now), and wrote my photography final proposal. I also reread my aim and text convos it was ridiculously an act of randomness.

Well last night I was making a few comments that I didn't expect anything from I jokingly was just talking and acting like my usual 5yr old self. But other than that I had an awesome day just a little bored but no one is here to entertain me so I just moved on and left the person alone I hope the person doesn't think I'm tight cuz I actually did my normal thing that I do when I am mad but I just learned to give space after... i feel it doesn't matter though I hope not.

Its over

The fun is over... Not yet the summer is around the corner but before summer comes REAL LIFE starts. Its crazy my next month and a half are going to be crazy for the next 2 weeks my paper has to be finish so my scared to move forward must end now I'm ready to graduate its just the life after it.

Once I'm done here I have to move back home with my parents who are old and are extremely picky with me. For the next 2 weeks I am going to try to convince or aleast give the idea to my brother that he should move to PA at the start of the summer instead of the end of the summer and that he should let me, his son and my friend rent out his apartment. I think it would work atleast for a while me and my friend (maybe. hopefully I've lived with her for 2yrs now but maybe she needs a break from me. who knows) both rent rooms and pay him rent and his son who is a problem has atleast one person looking after him. I think it might work... I hope so

Recap of last night

Diddy flow *Last night I deaded all the guys around me* lol Nah actually I just know now that I can move on and not care about "Oh there's no one out there for me" or my idea that I can't be seen in any other way than how I see myself (my biggest fear is being alone). Which they proved wrong through out the night so I'm fine with it because that's done with but nothings really changed.
Anyway a lot of good things happened (like people actually getting along) and some that shouldn't have happened (like my cousin's ex arguing with one of the guys we chilled with) but its weird to explain.
There are things that I know but can't tell anyone. I mean no one, because I told one of the other parties I wouldn't. Both sides of both situations are close to me. On one side is a family member on the other is a friend (both of which have at some point been a very close friend). I have one cousin calling me fake and both questioning what they can and can not talk to me about. It's hectic but one I can deal with and not fuck up but the other is to late.
I knew I shouldn't have but we're family and my cousin was suffering. So whether my friend finds out or not I'm fine with it I will lose a friend and maybe my cousin wasn't worth it but they deserved to know where I stood in that situation and that I was there for them. Some people might think what I did was wrong and selfish, fuck it most people will but I did what I thought was right and just under the scope of what they asked me nothing more than what they wanted to know. I don't plan to betray a friend but I know I won't I have learned my lesson already. It's the cousin I'm worried about. Finally thinks they know now what they want I just hope it's not to late, there are only 2 consequences love or closure the thing is pick a cousin they both have this choice.

A baby's party?

It was my cousin's son's first bday and I expected some kind of fight due to an exchange of words that had occurred the week before and yesterday too.

The guy I was stuck on for a longtime was there and we got pretty close and we even kissed but it had no feeling behind it every touch, every word, every look meant nothing to me closure finally but not just from him. This other guy too. I realized today that I no longer need them these two guys were my crutches one for about 2yrs and the other I've hung out with him about couple times within the last year. I needed them but they didn't need me they have a bunch of chicks around them all the time I was just another in the pile but thats like TI and Justin said "Dead and Gone" now back to the party and the drunkness.

40 Stitches

My 17 year old nephew just told me he got stabbed last night.
I asked him if he was going to baby jay's bday party. He said "oh I was gonna go but I got stabbed last night..." Mad normal like just another day for me. He now has 40 stiches.
He got stabbed in the bicep and his hand. SMH. He was fighting with a grown man 24-27 age range and merked him then the guy felt embarassed and did another round which he lost again (nephew is kinda quick) the mans friends stomped him and then he said he saw the blade they aimed for his chest but he started running and they stabbed his arm and hand.the hand was him trying to stop them smh what the fuck was he really doing?

The Soho Dash

Today I had a meet up with a new buddy who was helping me by answering some questions for my senior project. I'm the type of person that thinks a lot about small gestures people make as they speak as in facial expressions and basic body language.This isn't always a bad thing. but idk how to read him he enjoys acting crazy and his convos are so ridiculous his answers were great they were what i needed but he is just weird.

I still wouldn't mind hanging out though he is a nice guy and he's funny...not my type though

Paper

So my paper is like going nowhere I'm getting tired of it.

Instead

of doing my paper I'm going to tag all my posts lol


5:12am stopped i got bored lol more than i was

Perfect Answer...

I DON'T KNOW IS THE PERFECT ANSWER.
It's fluid. It's not 100% all the time its like a maybe but not really. I love it. It worries me but hey that's where my life is pointing to a big ass

Never a full night of monday night tv it's like feb/march maddness I'm upset.

Bored

I played touch football with the lil kids on my block and chilled with all the people from yesterday...

B
O
R
E
D

and I can not leave.
Chipotle tomorrow YAY!!!! I cannot wait!!!

Dazed and Confused

I was on my way to jersey and there was no bus for the time i left so i had to take a cab then i'm on the train half way to the city and get told that jersey is a no go so i cant go back cuz that would be a waste of money and there was no bus smh it's saturday white plains what the FUCK is that about.. anyway so I make it to the city start calling aroundno one writes back so i talked to my cuz she tells me to go over and it was all down hill from there. Beer+meds+herbal meds+a lot of retards= craziness at the end of the night i was the title and it was only 11:30pm

Once again..Fri. 13

So I originally planned on going home today but I heard of something better than home last night(movies to see watchmen) so I stayed. This friday the 13th was mixed with good and bad luck. So I woke up to go to mail something and forgot my phone. I walk to the library to print a shipping label my bank account was at -$235.35 how no idea then go ship package smh mail got sent out early get sent somewhere else. Go to mail room check box have a check for $250.00. go ship package other place and it gets stuck in mail box. walk back to my apartment(which is dirty as fuck thanks to 2 housemates smh)look at my phone and had an email saying i won exclusive coraline dunks. then all tmobile networks were down in my area. i go to the bank to findout y that shit was going crazy and to deposit the check they were all over draft fees i go to the mall and find nothing i was tight then i missed the bus once and then it never showed get back to my apartment and didn't do anything didnt go the movies just spent my night alone in my room drinking watching movies will probably continue until I fall asleep

Artsy? Me? Is this a joke?

So today one of my professors looked at me and said "You know, your really artsy." I looked around and then looked at her like "me?" She explained how my perception of life is more like a critique as an artist critiques a fine piece of art. How despite my obsession with not doing work I maintain an over worked artistic imagination whether it involves my school work, clothes, going somewhere or actual art I focus on it and creatively without noticing.

She's right...I guess.

Random shit no one expects ...

It's 4am I got bored so I read a lot of my stuff from the last 2 months and found this that I never posted on facebook.

1. I get bored about 75% of the day.
2. I like to keep the unknown white people inside the picture frames.
3. I hate jim jones.
4. I hate stupid people.
5. I am the youngest of 6.
6. I secretly like to dress up.
7. Law and Order is my favorite tv show.
8. Cartoons entertain me more than people.
9. I am extremely sensitive.
10. I think invisible kool aid was one of the best food inventions ever.
11. Consume about 3 pounds of ice a day.
12. Will watch anything that is on T.V.
13. Haven't really done any school work in the last 4 yrs.
14. Have 63 pairs of sneakers.
15. Have a hidden pen collection.
16. Take posters of purchase events for my room.
17. Could have majored in VA if I tried.
18. Love the smell of rubbing alcohol.
19. Have a soft spot for guys that wear ties.
20. Write in my blog about everyday.
21. Hallways are my favorite hangouts.
22. Playing pool makes my day.
23. Mashed Potatoes are a must with a dinner.
24. Like saying spic.
25. Sleep with the TV on.
26. Sex is needed about once a month.
27. Wants a real relationship soon.
28. Hates going home.
29. Have 3 tattoos.
30. Had size 0 tapers in the last 6 months.

Skin Deep...ha ha ha

I'm tired of looking the way I do. I am not happy with who I am and I think that without changing how I look on the outside I will not be happy with who I am in the inside. It's taken me all this time to realize that this change is not for anyone but myself so here goes the first step admiting that I need to change for me and no one else.

Monday Night Blues

Monday nights haven't been the same gossip girl has been out of commission but Heroes and The City are still going. Now it seems like one show starts and another gets a break when will all 3 shows run together again my heartr hurts...

Motives

I have about 3 good ideas everyday but all these ideas tend to fade by the end of the day. Out of these ideas I remember like 1 of the 3 things and then I am never motivated to do any of these things I remember. I feel like my motivation to not do things and to go around what I really have to do stops me from doing my work.

Deadlines

I feel like deadlines are things invented by beyonce aka the devil and they don't really work for me. This is because to me most deadlines (depending on what course) are very fluid and I am very good at finding loopholes and playing my professors to the point where even if I turn it in 2 weeks late I don't receive a lower grade *shrugs* it happens.

Double post ...

I thought this fuckery was hilarious...
props to 2dopeboyz@wordpress

Then this asshole 50cent has gone crazy...

he's up to episode 5

Anyways since I got these jokes out of the way. I have a simple question do you ever felt like you have someone watching you on some Rockwell shit. Like I know no one is really watching you but society has created these rules on ways you should and shouldn't react that we unconciously follow and basically it's crazy that you feel like you can't act or react a certain way even alone. We are back to the old romans who thought the gods watched and used us for their own enjoyment. Has society made us into puppets?

House Meetings

It's pretty dumb... I dislike having to sit here and listen to 2 people who really don't do anything complain about how it's dirty and that people need to pick up after themselves. I told them that everyone just needs to pick up after themselves and they felt like we need to do it as a team. To me its like it wasn't a team that dirtied everything.

They are trying to say communication is a key but they just said they are intimidated to speak up.

The Cure

I just saw this movie it was the saddest shit I have ever seen. I mean sadder than The Lion King (if that is even possible.) I watched the movie and cried for the last 40 minutes. It was horrible I am sick and balling my eyes out. It was a great film but very sad. It's sadder than Hardball when the little kid gets shot believe it or not.

The story is on the friendship of two boys who are very different from each other and become best friends. The beauty and sincerity of their friendship was shown through out the entire film. There are so many beautiful and heartfelt scenes, which strike the heart and I dare any heartless person not to cry.

Dexter: Suppose you kept going another 18 billion light years, what if there's nothing out there? Suppose you kept going another trillion times further, so far out you see nothing. The light from the universe would be fainter than the faintest star. Infinitely cold. Infinitely dark. Sometimes if I wake up and it's dark, I get really scared, like I'm out there and I'm never coming back.
Erik: Here, hold onto this when you sleep. And if you wake up and you're scared, you'll say, "Wait a minute. I'm holding Eric's shoe. Why the hell would I be holding some smelly basketball shoe a trillion light years from the universe? I must be here on earth, safe in my sleeping bag, and Eric must be close by."

SAY A TEAR DIDN'T POP UP AND IF IT DIDN'T REREAD IT UNTILL YOU DO!!!!



This movie stars the little kid that plays Tim in Jurassic Park 1&2 his name is Joseph Mazzello and the Late Brad Renfro he was the little boy in the adventures of Tom and Huck(he was Huck), he was also in The Client which is (his first film, Susan Sarandon) he was also in Sleepers, which is one of my favorite movie of all time. Brad Renfro was a good actor who a lot of people don't even know that he is dead, because he died a week after Heath Ledger which kinda sucks!

Crap...

I'm under the weather and my paper was suppose to be done sometime today but of course I did everything but that. It wasn't cuz I'm sick its because I'm scared. What if I do all this work and they tell me my paper sucks and that I will not receive anything higher than a D and I can not graduate. What if I don't pass this Stats course that's an entire semester behind and I can not graduate I have to stop slacking off and hit the books.

SMH Getting Lifted...

...more like getting pulled down...I don't know why?... Why did I do it to myself? Like I usually avoid a few of these people that I went to get lifted with. Like these people I would chill with them if I really had to, on some forced type shit, but not if I had other shit to do. One of my closest friend, my friend RX and like 2 other people that I can really chill with were the only ones that I would be comfortable with.

The reasoning for me to even go was cuz I couldn't say no. SMH!!! Anyways while I was there it felt like I had just entered another world or like a seceret society, I felt like fucking joshua jackson in skulls, the fucking outsider looking in. All that did was cause me to ask myself "What the fuck! How did I even get here?" For about 3hrs. Any who that experience allowed me to see people a lot more different and sides I didn't even knew existed to some people I thought I knew.

The moral of the story is JUST SAY NO!!! If you have to fucking think about it for about 15min on whether to get lifted or keep it moving... Take the path less traveled your sanity will thank you.

Collectors

I don't know if I have told you but I'm doing my senior thesis on sneaker collectors. So this past weekend while me and the bestie were at Sneaker Con we bumped into DJ Clark Kent he was a cool dude. So I asked him if I can ask him some questions about sneaker collectors. He responded "Sure but I'm not a collector. I'm a wearer. When you get to the wears part hit us up."
So I started thinking about it today like in reality people have the misconception that collectors do not use their collections. The purpose of the collection is to hold, obtain, gather, inform yourself, and then display your collection. These steps are never limited or restricted to how you do them.
So I disagree with the avid air force one collector because you can have a collection and the way you display your collection is by wearing it. It shoes the public the same pride a art collector gets when their collection are in a musems.

WTF?!?

What the fuck is this?

"Go 'head and try fool, die fool, i, cruel
Mean jet, tough car, bad bitch, fly pool
I'm professional, you high school
Mini hardware store, 5 tools
And they're all hammers, you'll turn pale-blue
Not the cops, ock, but i will nail you
Fishscale, that's on the scale boo"

Cam'ron how dare you call yourself a rapper!!!

SMMFH

A Snow Day In March

What the fuck is going on in the world why was there like a fucking blizzard today? Why? I truely hate the fucking snow and rain I hate extreme cold and extreme hot but most of all I HATE FUCKING WET WEATHER!!!!! I staied the entire day in my room.

So I on saturday I bought a bottle of Svedka vodka and we only drank half. This morning I looked at the bottle and it was a 4th of the shit missing I thought my friend had an a drink like @ 5 so I didn't ask her but then after our usual monday night crack session aka tv time I asked her. She said no so I asked the rest of the housemates no one fessed up to it.

I was mad. I wasn't mad cuz someone drank it without asking I got upset because someone drank it period! WTF! Like I am the one that usually buys alcohol and puts it in the fridge but now I see I can't do that anymore its grimey season out here. Like my eggs! I walked out of my room to use the bathroom and someone was using them and then asked me if it was ok like wtf I would understand if they were high or they didn't want to wake me but damn I'm fucking broke and buying eggs, bread, butter, sugar and now fucking alcohol every week is not a good fucking look that's at least $40 a week. The food I don't mind sharing but fuck every week restocking is way to much. Like I'm a picky eater so the things I do eat are important to me. Yea they see my friend using it but that doesn't mean they can too.

Long Lines and Sneaker Cons

Last night we didn't even make it into the club my friend was really drunk and very tired so we basically rode the train down to 42nd street waited in line for about an hour then we took the train back to my house with a couple of stops along the way. The experience was fun I guess.

we then went back to 42nd for a new sneaker event that I will use for my senior thesis it was called "Sneaker Con". So yea that had a very long line which for a first time event was crazy but I did some networking and hopefully do a lot of interviews if I ever get my papers to work in word smh at my sponser.

The whole papers not working thing is starting to get me nervous because what if I missed a very important step in my process I'm going to be very upset.

I hate this...

So on wednesday my senior project advisor looked at my work and of course my work got completely messed up so now I have to delay my work. I am upset but you know what Inhale, exhale... wusaaaaaa....

So today I went to the gym which was a new thing for me because the only gym I know is a basketball court thats it thats my workout. So today I wanted to try something new and I did a bike workout it was alright I hate the gym atmosphere idk I'm very cautious when it comes to shit like that.

Anywho there's a party tonight and I really want to go I haven't gone to a real club or house party that isn't at school since New Years so yea looking forward to it. I'm in the middle of getting dressed so I'll hit ya back laters...

Back....

My blog is back on track thank god for me sending all my notes to myself before switching phones.

Japanese Cartoon

I just heard some new tracks from these dudes^^^^
Japanese Cartoon it's pretty dope.

Dude...

So I really want to say this to someone but idk. I'm still iffy on it comments please....

ummm I don't know whats wrong or if I did something wrong in some way. I don't know whats going on in your life but maybe I can help. I know I'm far but I'm a great listener and if its just that you don't want to speak to me then just let me know I won't hit you up anymore like your a cool dude and stuff but I feel like I hit you up mad times and you don't ever respond... so idk whats going on at all.

The Black Cloud

...has lifted and I got some weight of my shoulders...I feel much better... well kinda.

brought to my attention

life's been crazy lately I've seem to be busy doing nothing but I will update the last 14 days that have gone by hadn't even noticed thats CRAZY!

I will write the small notations I make everyday on my phone and expand on it so expect 14 new posts by tomorrow night....

Grind ON...yea right

I'm suppose to do so much work due this week but I have no motivation to do anything. So I see myself slacking again so I don't even know what I am gonna do.


Feeling: OVERWHELMED

Joy Ride Extravaganza

So the bestie let me drive her car...I was very surprised especially because she wasn't going to be in the car. The first ride was to the stop & shop which is not that far and a straight shot and I was going and coming back with people in the car so it's nothing. The second trip was different it was into a busier area and I was going with people but coming back alone. It's not that I don't know how to drive...I'm just scared to. That's why I have no licence or even a permit.

Nada

I haven't been doing nada all day last night was ok. I got in my feelings a little by small comments that were mad here and there but it's not the end of the world.

It seems like my friends aren't speaking it'll blow over in like a day it's not a big deal cuz the situation wasn't planned.

B-days and Vaginas

Happy Birthday to Kickzrruss and my boo Rupurt Star.
I wonder what they doing tonight...

I'm going to one of my close friend's show this weekend I heard it's a good show so that should be fun and then Cheesecake Factory YAY!!! It's always a plus.

Bum Day

That's what today was. Well at least it was for me. After doing nothing and staring at my aim all day I decided to wash clothes and clean my room. Later I'm going to sit and wait for the homies to get out of class and we watching America's Best Dance Crew only 4 groups left.

The weekend can bring like Fat Joe said "So Much More"

Happy B-Day!!!

Today is 3 people's B-day
lets go from young to old...
(pics will be inserted later)

Happy Birthday Sole_Prince he is such a cutie!!!
Happy Birthday My Niece Yari!!!
Happy Brithday Christina P.!!!

Photo project

So today my Photography professor showed us this cool photomerge project it was pretty dope but now we have to make one damn art is difficult at time but fuck it happens I LOVES IT THOUGH!!!!!

Stares are bad...

I realize I stare a lot. I hope people dont get the wrong idea.

lol o well fuck'em

So today...

I woke up and had so much work to do on my senior project idk

Question:
Why do I slack so much to then have a panic attack/breakdown later?
Whats wrong with me?

Fuck V-Day!!!

On some real shit FUCK VALENTINES DAY!!!

If it's in Febuaray it has the perfect day fuck Valentines day it's the reason so much shit is going on.
Like Mr.B he was suppose to come over never happened...
Ex was suppose to come never happened...
And this whole situation was also due to this gay ass holiday fuck aren't we as humans suppose to express emotion everyday damn we don't have national happy day or sad day so Fuck VDAY!!!

friday the thirteenth

ok so I talked to both

One of which I am upset at but there's nothing that can really change from that because as much as I want I can't a person. I got really upset and told them to not speak to me but it was because this person came at me so wrong. Like dude what the fuck are you mad about like fuck!!! anyways they act very selfishly and that fucking sucks because were blood but damn man there is only so much pride and image you can feed someone.

Me and the bestie is cool again...I fucked up though I let the moment get to me. I don't think it will be the same...

Extreme Rage

So in the last 3 days I've spoken to my crazy squad and my closest homies except the bestie and my cousin but today I shall speak to both I'm tired of waitingand my cousin shouldn't even be mad at me so why did I apologize to her like the fucking weakling I am.

I am tired of always apologizing but thats the first thing that spits out my mouth when I feel like I did something wrong which is a lot of the time or when I truely feel bad.

Today is make or break so I must speak to both today.

The damn waiting...

So me and the bestie haven't spoken yet but I'm hoping we talk soon because this is driving me crazy. Space is the key but I hate waiting games I always have....

She's not the only one that I have to speak to so the talking must begin soon...

if you want...

Your space. I understand and I'll keep it moving.

horoscope

You should try to stay away from people who're very negative. If you think moral values more important than keeping up appearances your projects will be more successful. Don't be tempted into anything by your restlessness, think about your health...

So on friday I told person 1 who I trusted for all my life 1 thing that wasn't denfensive, nothing bad, nothing I was told I couldn't say and it was posted on the web. Person 1 is so fucking stupid because they never understand anything they mistake everything at the moment. Person 1 kept presuring me into breaking I told them to leave me alone about it and they waited 3 hrs and continued on so I cracked and told.

I figured it doesn't say anything bad I wasn't told don't say anything about it and I only told the person about that one post. They got really upset and wouldn't speak to me. I continued on to tell them don't blame person 2 or hold anything against them because it doesn't say anything and its not their fault.

So saturday I told person 2 what I did and I apologized they said they weren't mad but they wanted to think about it and they will let me know. Its now been 2 days and a hello was said and nothing else. The anxeity is killing me. This is the longest I've spent without speaking to person 2 and I think its gonna be a long time before they speak to me. I know they secretly hate how I act and many things that make me who I am. I apologized once and im not apologizing again and all I can do is wait. Nothing more can be done until they feel they should speak to me.

Today a lot was learned and as much as it hurts all I can do is realize that maybe its about that time.

I don't do things to annoy or bother people, things just happen, maybe I'm just an annoying person.

Cleaning

I cleaned the entire place lets see how long it takes to get all fucked up again...
Update:
So its slowly but surely making its way back 1 bowl at a time. I don't do things to get recognition. I didn't clean it before because I felt that I changed the trash bags so much and I always change the dirty pad bags that over flow in the bathroom when I don't even get that shit. I don't think I deserve a fucking medal but a thank you was very greatly appreciated today. I hate asking people to do things so today I sat and explained why I cleaned to someone and I don't think they didn't really understood what I said..

ps. horoscope
If you wait long enough, you'll become stronger and more patient without much effort. Be aware not to be too arrogant, stay critical of your own behaviour. If you feel in good spirits, know that it's got nothing to do with folly or joking around...

The Return

The feeling of the 29th have returned shall I reiterate them to you:

Cry for help....
I have a problem and I know it. I dislike myself and don't understand how anyone can like me...as a friend;as a girlfriend;as a messing buddy;as a kid;as a functioning body of society;as any type of relationship.

I know the 6 people that are actually around me do love me because they tell me but I still feel like a pest theres nothing left to do but shut off.

I wonder for how long though?

So...

I fucked up and all I can do is wait...

This year...

was suppose to be different it's not how can I change it damn...

VH1 needs...

to give me and my friends our own show we are entertaining ask anyone and guess what were always funny I'm gonna start recording the lifestyle just the weekend and outings lol lets see what happens...

Entirely, totally

so after school is over what my next step...

entirely, and totally lost hopefully i have a future in art or clothing

"Dare to dream sweety, dare to dream..."- Andy, My Boys

My Major: Slacking

Mon & Thur- Slacking 101
The act of slacking
Tues & Fri- History of slacking
The Past Slacking activities
Wed- S.A.D.
Slacking All Day

Last Concept

I finally got my Last tattoo concept well for my college life... well maybe I still gottat think about it.

To put a end to my college career I finally decided what I want. I sat down today and drew out exactly what I wanted so now I'm just trying to see what I'm doing for spring break because if nothing pops up I'm going to just get 2 tattoos and pay some bills.

Everyday that Passes By...

I feel more and more like I bother and annoy people so from here on out I'm going to basically become invisible and just fall deep into my art. Everyone around is getting their life together and I'm just scheming on how to get by tomorrow. I'm going to get a job and just make believe everything is fine. I'm going to keep going to my sessions and do everything I need to do to graduate so I can leave everyone the fuck alone.

I'm tired of reaching out to people to just get their door slammed in my face.

I came all the way to the hood and everyone has their own plans without even telling me knowing that I was coming to see them but you know what!

FUCK EVERYONE!!! I'm done with all of it!

Whoever wants to be my friend can be my friend whoever doesn't FUCK OFF!!!

new obsession...

I have a new idol, well three.
The first one is Robert Frank.
The second is Neil Bedford.
the runner ups.
Third place is Terry Richardson.



highly noted:
Carlos Serrao http://www.carlosserrao.com/
Morten Anderson http://www.mortenphoto.com/
Igor L. http://photo.net/photodb/member-photos?user_id=587684
Hal Sear
Simon Hogsberg

and the 15yr old master Eleanor Hardwick google her and be amazed...

My focuses

I have the attention span of a 5yr old some people seem to still not understand that...


Question: Why must people take out their moods on someone else?

Cry for help....

I have a problem and I know it.

I dislike myself and don't understand how anyone can like me...
as a friend;
as a girlfriend;
as a messing buddy;
as a kid;
as a functioning body of society;
as any type of relationship.

Snow day...

Today was a snow day ... I'm going crazy.

I only know how to dig holes for myself..

horoscope for the day...

Chances are that your efforts will be rewarded. Don't let people push you. Don't analyse the pros and cons all the time, just follow your pathway to glory...

i hope this is true... tomorrow its time to tap into the art skills again yay!!!

I'm tired...

of guys telling me that I have a the perfect personality for someone they want to be with. That I am such a cool person that I have a great personality and everything that they want from someone they would be intrested in but i don't have the looks to match it. I'm so tired of that shit like how can you heart "my swagg" as a guy friend said the other day but "your looks don't fit the girls that I like" as another friend put it. It sucks trust me. Why can't be as pretty as my two friends they are gorgous and they have great out going personalities which just makes it even harder to even be noticed... I just hope that one day my outside matches my "inner beauty" smh I dont even believe that

Early Calls and Throwback Sundays

So I have a lil pick up in my life who's not mine and will never be and it's actually not an issue. I like his personality he's funny we have so much in common and i don't see him... I don't see him in any other way than just some online person who I will meet and chill with and keep it moving. He's my new night convo buddy and nothing more.

Throwback Sundays from now on where we make breakfast in the afternoon and listen to old music that we use to listen to when we firat started school here

horoscope

You've found a good balance between your work and home lives and ought to be able to give each the attention it deserves today. It's a good time to reconnect with those you haven't seen in a while.


I spoke to the fams today idk if I'm accepted back "home" yet...

Drunken isolation

I thought it would be a good idea to drink...and I was alone on this one. So earlier in the week we had gone the liqour store and bought a couple mixes and of course ALCOHOL. Well Amerreto was done so I had like 3 beers and brought on the breakfast of champions! Beer drop a shot glass in the beer and your golden. So 2 champions later and 3 shots of jose and I was gone. I don't really throw up but I felt like I had to so I asked the bestie to check up on me so I didn't die in my sleep. Well here's to the night!