Therapy

This whole week I spent it getting my life together,

So today I went to therapy. Sure that helped me, all they did there was reassure the symptoms. They told me a reason why my friendships are so important... Its because I never had a friend that treated me the same way as I treat them. She also said that maybe the friends I have now don't see me the same way they see each other. I agree the dynamics are not the same but they don't treat me different than each other. I have questioned this before but it was just because I felt like I wasn't needed. I still feel like that but its not because of them its because thats how I see myself.

?: Why do people never learn?

amaretto sour

2 parts Amaretto

4 parts sweet and sour mix

hold the cherries

I love them they are the greatest.

First class I lied extremely lol.

New Housemate she's dope.

Trying to get these dunks

I want them so bad only 40. I wish a friend gave me half hint ;)

***NEW THING***

My question of the day, that's gonna be the new thing because I ask a lot of questions and might as well ask you guys instead of bothering someone personally...


?: Why must bystanders suffer for the choices and comments of others?
Like why should I suffer because my brother doesn't know how to shut the fuck up.

FootLocker dreaming

I need to get my money up. Right now I have a total of $2.35 in my bank account. I have no job, a senior project i'm avoiding and credit card people harassing me. Lets see where this job hunting takes me... I hope Footlocker.

Horoscope for the day:

Let time do your work for you. Other people notice that you're taking more responsibility for things than usual. If you set about things in a relaxed way, you're likely to make less mistakes...

It's time to let go...

When is it a good time to let things go when in some type of relationship with someone?
There are these 2 guys I'm so good with we understand each other we can chill and everything. We could be friends or lovers when we want to but he's an asshole at times and he isn't truely there. I feel now is a good time to dead both of them because I feel like we could just mantain it as friends and be fine with it before anyone gets hurt or starts to get attached.
The motto is
I think we had a good run we enjoyed it but this getting attached feelings, getting hurt, its not working its time to decide time to either step up and stop the nonsense or back off and end it either friendly or enimies... a choice must be made.

Am I really...

Am I really that bad person? I have been told I was one not the badest but one....

Today I heard my mother cry at the sound of my voice it can only push me away to prevent it from happening or bring me back to stop it.

Maybe, Harry Potter was right We ALL have good and bad inside of us, it's the part we choose to act on.


Side Note:
Love and Basketball
I love that movie it's my favorite movie ever.

Ever Feel...

have you ever felt pushed away and not know you were being pushed away?

Like in the AllState commercials

I'm there... maybe space will do the trick.

I think giving people their space will make me feel better. I'm not reaching out to people unless they reach out to me. The only issue is I can be invisible. Most of my friends don't even notice when I'm not there. But space is something everyone will recieve from me this semester I don't want to bother anyone. I want be missed, not annoying...

So...

So today I was bored there was people around but I was bored. I wasn't my usual bored but more like bored with the entertainment I had. There is only so much tv and the same movies someone can watch before they start getting tired. It was like I was alone, with a question about the bestie, and two people being lovey dovey. The first day was good the second was blah.
so she hadn't even left and said "I'll be back" lol I don't think she was lying.

so back in July I told an asshole not to speak to me anymore because they would lead me on and then drop me but in July that line was crossed he asked me out and then in the am told he didn't mean too. It wasn't like "omg I already"... it was more like "omg what if I had?" well today I signned on and I had a friend request that said "If you don't accept this it means you still don't like me but it's cool Happy New Year" so since it's a new year idrc about him I accepted but I also think I did something wrong because I responded to this with "I accepted ur friend request... but it was never that I didn't like you it was that I liked you too much. I liked you in a way you weren't interested in. I liked you more than a friend and I felt like you use to lead me on to then just dead me and there was only so much I could take. I'm not that chick that falls for every nice thing she hears anymore so you have nothing to worry about." I feel like this was a bad choice...

I still don't understand

so today I get an aim that goes "I wanna see her"...
I tell this person if you wanna come come idc. So she, my cousin's ex and her new bf also came they are entertaining in small doses. They are my indulgence for my intake. I love my cousin so seeing her is no issue, but them is small intervals.

So they came over and its good nothing bad just kinda awkward. My cousin says she just wants to visit me and chill but the last time she was here was march 2007. It's my last semester and she's been here twice already I wonder... well we got closer during this last break.

stick-on

I hate feeling like a stick on but I hate being alone. Today I invited myself into the city. When I say invite I mean my bestie was driving into the city and I decided might as well go too. I didn't invite myself to where she was going but I did ask her for a ride. I feel weird at times like maybe I shouldn't ask for a ride though we are heading to the same areas. I know were friends and that favors are done time to time but I don't want her to feel like I'm using her. Anyway I feel like I once again I invited myself along on the trip.

Once in the city I met up with 3 other sneaker aficionados to go to our regular meet up spot it was an ok outting we didn't really do much we talk ate had 1 or 2 drinks and left. It was mid-night and the outting was over ... but the night wasn't.

I headed all the way Uptown to a pool hall were I thought I was meeting up with a large group of friends when I got there it was my cousin's ex-wife, her new bf and my ex-fling (who I no longer spoke to unless it was on a hi and bye). Once there I am told that at the other end two of my cousins, an old fling and their friend so to be nice I said hello. A couple hours later I find myself sitting on a sink with my back against a window locked in a bathroom.

After the bathroom I sat and waited for my friend. She was really drunk and really upset. I felt bad because she's my friend and I hate seeing friends upset but also because I introduced her to the problem of the evening though I could do nothing to help the situation. I'm not gonna lie it was weird because it was one of the three times I've even seen this emotion from this person who I feel is so close to me. It's not an emotion I would associate with this person actually I'm the only person I would associate with this one in particular, but I actually felt like a friend, like I was depended on even if it was just to listen, it felt actually good. I just kinda wished I could have been more helpful.

I knew this would happen...

Today woke up after a long shitty evening lastnight and still felt like shit as I write this. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own head. Today I did something stupid I attempted something stupid but because of how weak of a person I am I couldn't do it. (no not kill myself)

I spoke to my mom today it went really bad I almost broke my phone.

The title for this blog is because yesterday my cousin did something dumb (last blog part b) and today like a dickhead told me that she did want to do it but it was for the better she's crazy...

Why?!?!?!

People now a days don't know what they want and some know what they want and are to scared to chase it. I for one am someone who knows what they want but has no motivation.

Why do people mess up a chance of happiness real life examples
a. The guy I use to talk to was engaged even planing on starting a family but he has cheated on his chick repeatedly multiple times with multiple people. It's crazy I asked him why does he cheat on his girl his answer was simple why not? I love her but all these other girls I run through make me want to be with her more. I haven't met anyone like her or anyone that would make me question my love for her. The whole time I was thinking wow smh.
b. I have a close friend who developed feelings for someone she didnt expect to fall for. She is the type of person who is sensitive and in reality isn't all there, but none the less she's a cool person that like a lot of people don't know how to act in a relationship. She was beating around the bush with this person for along time and she at first attempted but because she thought she was getting feelings to soon and getting confused ran off. Recently she got another chance and wanted the person to be her girlfriend but didn't really go out and ask for the title. Anyway once again fear got the best of her and she pushed the person away. Why if she liked this person so much and wanted to develop more with this person why would she push them away? Thats just fucking STUPID!!!

I think the reasons why these situations upset me is because these people know who they like or love and want to continue some type of relationship with but do so much to prevent it from happening. Why if they are happy must they cheat or push someone away?

I think the reason why it bothers me is because its something I long for myself. Someone I can build some type of connection with and they are just throwing it away.

Readers

I know this blog thing is not for popularity or any of that but I feel like its a place I can ask for advice but I never get feedback I don't even think I have readers so what's the point of posting when I can just save it like a journal on my computer...anyway become a Follower of the blog the link is up so click on it

Secret: It comes with a free HUG!!! I would add it for a hug. lol

Got My Spot Back...

I'm back on the most common place in my apartment... the couch! I love the couch its comfy, I can do everything I do in my room, except the unhygienic stuff (that's just gross). I hate being alone and if im on the couch everyone says hello when they walk in and when they leave they say good bye plus I got a big window so I can open the shades and take in nature. I got the laptop out here and then I got a big ass tv what else am I missing?

How about food, a date, a drink, an L maybe....

It's werid...

I dont know what it is but the guys I think are cute or even fucking pay attention to have one of these issues:
A. Broke (I can deal with this)
B. No Job (I can deal with it if they are in school)
C. Doing nothing (SMH!!!!)
D. Is ENGAGED!!!

The last one is the one that upsets me cuz its like damn I shouldn't but the girl the guy is with isn't in the USA. It's just fun right. I'm not forcing them to say anything and I'm not going to get attached....I hope!

Back on campus

I finally came back to school @ 10am after getting kicked out. lol. I see it as a joke.

Well at least I got out of my house right now I have 5 months to find
1. a job
2. a place to live
3. stability

This trip is good though I came back with some nice things lol
This trip from home I came back with a gift for friend lol it was my cousin shes a very fun person I love hanging out with her. Throughout our friendship has been up and down for years we have been bonding lately.

Like she doesn't really know what she wants and stuff but i think she is really starting to like my friend on some sprung idk how to act around this person level. It's werid cuz she dosen't take people seriously but she really likes her. I'm happy for her but at the same time I'm not cuz of the tempers involved.
Like its cool they like each other but there is usually someone hurt or upset at the end. Hopefully this is one of the ones that the 2 parties are happy at the end....

Runaways and KickOuts

I got kicked out of my house. My parents are strict and old fashioned. I was told I was to much to handle I was lazy I had no dicipline and I just want to do whatever I want. I am 21 yrs old I don't live at home I go to school and I graduate in May!!! WTF do they want from me?

My friend ranaway from home because she didn't want to go to DR. What happened to just saying no...

Feelings At The Moment

I feel like my timing for everything sucks.
I get offended easily and I am sensitive.
I care to much about the small things.
And I am so sensitive I can't hide it I don't even try.
I feel like all my friendships get messed up because of me and the person I am. It bothers me so much that at times I think they are better off. I feel like the most important ones are driftting away slowly because of who I am and my inability to change. It sucks cuz for the first time I feel like I actually love friends and everything is changing. I think I am holding them back in some way idk its weird I am changing I have heard I am becoming unhappy cold and mean ... all this from the number one person other than myself who has made me the fucked up person I am today.

I want to be this new person but how can I if I still am the old me?

KickOuts and Runaways

So I was kicked out of my house on friday for being to much to handle, lazy, doing whatever I want and not listening to the rules. I am 21 yrs old and I go to school. I live on campus and I graduate in may wtf do they want?

My friend ranaway so she wouldn't have to go to DR. SMH just say NO...

old times...

I have an adoptive mom and she loves me...

Hscopes for 09 Are On Point SMH...

Try to visit your friends and acquaintances more often. Relax, you shouldn't want to be active all day, rather try to enjoy your time off. Try to keep account of the situation at home if you make important decisions...

You're dealing with too much stuff today and there's no easy way to back out of it. Try to just handle one thing at a time until you can either call in the cavalry or rush hone for a well-deserved rest.

And It Continues...

So the bullshit in life for me is a every two day thing this year I guess... last night a group got up and left becasue they felt uncomfortable with a group I walked in with so instead of hanging out they left which was the indicator that they felt uncomfortable. I am upset that this is what is happeneing at a place that we go to hangout and smoke at. So I am not freely going over there anymore if I get invited or picked up to go over or if others that are with me want to go then fine I will but me be the one to bring it up and show up than nah its not happening.

Monday Night TV

Well like my usual monday night I sat and watched tv but everything was going wrong! I was so unhappy.
1. I can't watch monday night TV in the comfort of my own home.
2. I went to watch at my friends house but they were so loud it was like me watching tv on mute.
3. Then after everything got calm it was an ok episode I expected more but the show is only a half an hour which is wack.

Since the show I watch is about people getting their shit together I feel like I am not going to do anything with my life... All I have is debt and nothing to do after my degree.

Am I a faliure at life... YES.

Nothing New...but bullshit

There is nothing new about my life right now but there is mad shit going on...

ADDED:
1. I am super broke and I have to come up wit 300 bucks a month for eternity smh...
2. I got a threat to get cut off by someone who is a fucking loser! How you cutting me off when I lend you money get you out of trouble and try to convince your father to help you. Then again your cutting me off ha i laugh at your stupidity go ahead...
3. Something went missing @ a close friends house and the person from comment 2 is believed to be invovled but this person has no money which if he had taken it he would have shown atleast 20 bucks. Anyway now one of the people that live there made me feel uncomfortable so now I'm not going back to her house and I feel bad about it.

Holy BATMAN!!!!!

I want these bad boys...

2 days in

and the year has had it's down falls already...

I don't even wanna talk about it Because I'm just gonna get upset.

Why must one pay for others?
Don't hold shit against me because of something someone else did...

Happy New Year!!!!!!!

Well its a New Year and so much to look forward to with the usual things to avoid.

This year my mottos and goals are...
1. Being nice never pays
2. Think about the Star Player 1st
3. Don't be nice or help anyone
4. Stay away from guys that don't know what they want
5. Graduate
6. Move on with everything
7. FUCK EVERYONE
8. Stop expecting shit from people its a set up for let downs

New Years Eve!!!!

I got nothing but time wasted in 2008
so i just wanna take a moment to remince the year...


















Ahhhh.... Good Year *Closes that book opens new one titled 2009*

I don't regret anything but I hella learned. So much was said true colors shown and now theres a new year to continue on.

The Last Couple Days....

Have been a blur I can't even remember what I did that's the effects of drugs and alcohol, it happens to the best of us.

Bromance / The City

I have fallen in love with monday night TV it's ridiculous.
I sit and watch T.V with my Bro (this is gonna be my new word for '09) Ebunny (who is in DC) and give our opinions back and forth about the show its pretty intense TV watching its a sport for us you guys are not ready.

Little Black Dress

I got the perfect dress for New Years at Karinas House to bad that only a few of my fav people will be there 2 of the most important wont I hope they have fun though its gonna be a crazy year.

Christmas

Its not a family holiday till someone gets drunk and doesn't know how to act it was my sister's year.
...and I have no buns person either I retired him. Long story I don't want speak about

I'm done

As I write this I have visted the 3rd floor lol and I have drank about 12 shots if I drink about 2 more I will puke.

My sister is a dick she upset me tonight. She came out her face in front of everyone. She told everyone that I was a lesbian and that was why I only had female friends and didnt have any boyfriend. I got so upset. That was such a low blow its not true it just hurts that someone so close did that.

I deaded the dude that i was getting buns from he was a real asshole. So I am all alone again I wonder what the others are doing. *picks up phone*

Since I've been home...

My life has consisted of doing the same thing almost everyday I wake up listen to some jams eat get dressed do activities leave the house go to lyns smoke drink go home or wake up midday sit in pjs and play assasins creed shower watch tv and go to sleep these are my days...smh.

Im a pothead again...

X-Box Addict

I have played 12 hrs of Assassin's Creed its crazy... I am An Addict.

Happy Birthday!!!

Happy Birthday to the best bunny in the world the chocolate one. Enjoy it poopy face I hope u have the best day ever and enjoy cali (I hope you read ur card...)

A very merry unbirthday christmas

It was my bestie's very merry unb-day I always want to be so generous knowing that I can't. Me and my closest homies exchanged gifts I got one a nesquick fix (strawberry milk addict), got the other tight a shirts and a pair of nike blazers that she wanted in feb., and the unb-day girl I got her a ciroc bottle and a pair of sneakers she has wanted since I can remember it was hard to find but I knew she wanted them a lot. I got some cool stuff to I got this cool puma bag that I have wanted since sophmore year, I got a pair of nike dunk mids called griptapes I have been in love with since they were released(in ur face jello you bumtastic ass bitch!!!) I love my friends I can't imagine december without them next year.

:o[

weekend qtime

These last todays were like my usual saturday and sunday.

Saturday got wasted went to the club spent and lost about 80 bucks.

Sunday made my bestie upset (I made her drive to the city and she was busy but I love her she's the bestest! Seeing someone might have mad up for it lol idk I hope so)went to the dunkxchange didn't get a drink a 1st and bought some blue ultras .
I spent time with @ least 3 people out of like 8 that I really really care for(lets not confuse it with my other 2 list that consist of like 6 people put together.)

Weekend...

Friday... I went to the art bar stood in the cold for half an hour, broke my little resistance thing that I had going and got wasted. Rating: Good

Saturday... I went to the city it was my friend's B-Day clubbing event got wasted felt weird but had a great time lost $50 cash. Rating: Alright

Sunday... I went to the DunkXChange with the Bestie she was pretty mad she had to come all the way to the city. after acouple mins it was back to normal. Shes the greatest :D so we went to the dxc it was kinda whack i had to do it for school so its whatever. Then we went to her fave spot to eat Chipotle aka Chippies lol since she had to do the long trip it was on me.

I Secretly...

...Love to watch TV...but I'm a slow reader lol

fun facts for the month.

I quit...

I quit my job so im tight on money once again credit card companies don't want to hear it anymore they want to take me to court...and all they will get is bills I'm B-R-O-K-E!!!

horoscope

my horoscope has been on point all week long today it said...

You should spend your time with friends and have fun with them...

these are my intentions this weekend starting tomorrow night
i'm suppose to go meet up with my e-homies for a b-day gathering
saturday: it's an old friends b-day and she wants to go to the club idk if im gonna have energy for all that now
sunday: it's the NYC DunkXChange which I will also be doing work/hanging out.

looks like a good weekend (i got this thinking positive thing going lets see if it works)

where do they get this from...

my horoscope smh...
You know that your worries lead you nowhere. If you let other people share in your (material) riches, you'll be a happier person. You're no coward if you let time do your work for you.

I'm the invisible person...

...that actually enters some contest and wins. I won a pair of tickets that couldn't have came at a worst time for two reasons I had class (and so did the other person attending with me) and I didnt want to go to a show alone.

Always

My sensitivity and my fixed set morals always cause an issue with the people I care for the most. Last night I took it upon myself to help a friend. She didn't ask me for help I just thought it would be helpful. Boy was I wrong. She got very irritated so when she was speaking to me about it I just noded and agreed because she just keep making her point and i hate arguing with people so i just didn't say anything. so this morning i wake up and it was weird i wasn't tired which was a first so i got ready and on my way to work with time to spare so i read my usual morning blogs. my dashboard says updates and the title of my friends' new blog popped up so i clicked and started to read it. it was about the proir night so my first response was ok let me just write back to her so i sent here a long comment that was more like a blog listing so i decided to put it up. i hit her up and tell her to read it SMH WRONG!!! She got upset and said it was childish of me to do that that i know where she lives and that i should speak to her face to face that i had the balls to im her to read it why couldn't have just spoken to her. SMH!!!

so we decided to have conversation on aim because i was at work and so was she and i didn't want to have to beat it in my head all day.



The conversation just turned into the things that wasn't really needed on the situation

F-ing Great!!!

... now I read my horoscope:

Try to find out if your environment accepts your intentions before you take action.

Edited the other site said this...

Your wonderful generosity is legendary, and it's going to come into play in a big way, today. But putting smiles on faces will make your day. Just be careful how you go about giving the gifts of your wisdom -- you need to make sure you're not making people believe that they need to do exactly what you tell them to do. Otherwise, your idea will seem less like help, and more like rules to obey.

My life is a failure...

I can't do anything right even when I try.

Finally

I finally hangout with the girls and though I see them all the time its not the same as partying drunk all together. This was the first time since like late September or mid-October and it's now December. We pre-gamed pretty hard like the old days when we all still lived together and ended up outside in tee shirts and A line tanktops. We took pictures in the snow and got super drunk made the usual 4am pancakes this time we had the deluxe version with one strip of turkey bacon and 3eggs each it was great. If it wasnt because of me having to work at am today it would have been a super duper great day now it's just a good late night from yesterday lol.

Left behind...

I got left behind because I took a nap and wasn't really awakened.The only reason I really was upset was because I expected to hangout with my girls tonight so I started getting ready before I even knew what we were doing. Its kinda shitty that I have to stay here alone shrugs. I almost broke my phone it was an anger reaction that I had stopped using but got brought up again. If I would have broke my phone I would have been mad but I would have let out long held in rage.

transportation

I NEED TO STOP PLAYING AND GET MY FUCKING LICENCE! My school bus was late today 3 hrs late to be exact. I don't even want to speak on this anymore.

Love horoscope

Love - It's easier to grab your chances if you're being relaxed. You're nice to be with, happy, your sense of humour is good and you're open to many different things. Try to enjoy life more, some things will take care of themselves...

I needed to read this. I worry way to much about this kind of stuff.

My biggest fear is dying alone with no friends or family to even care that I am gone.

True Theory Photoshoot

So I had a True Theory Photoshoot my first shoot ever to do and it went great. I hope that when they make it big they don't forget to at least send a cd and a tee shirt lol. The music was amazing the band members are funny and give off that laid back type of feel. So if you ever on myspace checkout their page: www.myspace.com/truetheory they have great music.

4-0 ...

What our school has a winning steak lies.... no they really do they have a 4-0 record first time in the 4 years I have been going to school here. So me and most of the minorities of my school went to the game and the won by like 20 or 15 points thats crazy. Well big ups to the mens team for finally doing shit and props to the girls team for being great as usual.

A new week of hard work to come

This whole week I have to do actual work both for school and for my damn job.

Thankgiving...

...it was actually good. I hate going home. This Thanksgiving was a good one though I had such a good day. I woke up cooked some food for the family, I then hungout in my house with the them until like around 6 I dropped off food for an old friend that wasn't spending the day without loved ones. Then I hungout with one of my good friends that has shown me that our friendship is more important than bullshit. then we went and purchased our drink for the evening and headed to our normal hangout spot. There I saw some people I hadn't seen in awhile we drank and enjoyed ourselves. My buddy showed up and told me how much he missed me. This was a first. I saw a new side to him. I think this was the spark I was looking for but the only problem is there is no way it can get serious. It was a great day. It was a day I could actually give thanks about.

I did do some dumb things though. I hit up my friends even though I was trying to hold back. Then I hit up this crush I had like 2 weeks ago that has faded since then and told him if he wanted to be my fuck buddy. I know what was I thinking the convo went like "Oh, I don't like you anymore but do you wanna be my fuck buddy? No one has to know." Thats where I'm leaving this conversation at (I don't even know how I'm gonna act towards him now). I work all day for the next 3 days so see you guys on Monday when I'm bored at work alone.

old friendships die hard...

I have been told that I am a great friend and that I do way to much. Actually I've heard this way to many times to even consider this a good thing. My whole life I have felt like my friends are the most important things to me but after being walked over a couple dozen times I'm tired of this shit. Don't get me wrong I feel like my friends that I currently have are the truest friends I have ever had next to two old school homies that get an honorable mention.

The point of this post is that tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I'm going to try something new I'm going to give my friends the most space possible because I know I'm always around them and this is time for them and their closest.

The title to this blog is due to a friendship that I just can't let go of. This person is manipulative and they seek attention or its done for the day. Now that I'm not around them I don't have to deal with them anymore but this person has changed a lot in the last 7 months. I reached out to them yesterday and they took it as being depressing. Now they were an good friend time to time and I could confide in them but now it's like "Who is this person? Do I even know you?" The worst part about it is that I still want to be their friend. How can this be when they have put a gap between me and some of the people that were the closest to me 5 months ago.

What do you hate?

So my friend and I were talking as I made pancakes about this forum that someone wrote talking about what are things people hate...
So right after I said a stupid comment my real one popped up. I started thinking what do I hate and the first thing that popped up was me. Right after me was lying especially bad lying. I gets me heated especially when it's about something dumb.

Maybe its me ...

Everyone wants to leave except me! Let me explain I mean I want to graduate and I want to leave school but I don't want to lose these two great people. They have been there for me more than my friends in the past. They have stood by me whenever I have needed them to no questions asked. I don't want to leave this place a lose these close friends or drift apart from them its hard for me to keep friends... It hard living on the same street and keep a friend I can just imagine how hard it's going to be to keep friends that are gonna be miles away. This has been eating me up inside with a constant fear of May, not not graduating, not my senior project but this. They are like my sisters even if they don't accept it to me they will be secretly.(Well not anymore.)

so i quit

I started a job on the first of November and its an ok job you just have to convince people and I'm not good at that it is not my strong point. So, on Saturday I gave my 2 weeks notice. I mean the people at the job are great the job is ok the demands of the job are not good at all. The next day, I was re-hired.

Photography

I am obsessed with the idea of Photography. I am buying a new Digital Canon Rebel xti 10 or 12mp idc which DSLR camera next friday and I can't wait it's gonna be expensive but I want it and I'm gonna use it so might as well splurg... right?

Light Bulb

So I was sitting in one of my classes and an idea hit me for something special I want to do for my friends because this is our last year together at school before everyone parts back to their own worlds before college and this friendship. I would just put it on here because its a cool idea but then again I don't really want to cuz I'm not sure they read my blog anyway. But its gonna be great and it's not that expensive and I know they will love it.

work school school work work work work

Thats my schedule I went from sitting on my couch all day to working 5 days a week and school the other 2 days what was I thinking. SMH...

weekend 12 since school started

This was the 12th weekend since school started, though every weekend we get fucked up and party this weekend I decided to get fucked up and stay at home it worked just the same and i got some sleep so I am a okay.

Weekend # 11 and counting

Lets get fucked up thats the motto for every weekend. We have gotten messed up every weekend since school started.

I was a part of history ...

Today I voted and Obama was the winner the first black president YES!!!!! Finally CHANGE

Damn i should be kanye...lol

I hate when people take kindness as a weakness of character. You give people a slice and they want a lot more. Why? I've been nothing but nice but being mean is so much easier for some. Not everyone can be cold and heartless.  

Halloween

I hate halloween because it reminds me of how fat I am. The costumes are so small and don't look nice at all. So every year I try to use funny costume or some type of celebrity costume to distract the fact that is what I am FAT. All the costumes are sluty and inappropriate for fat people so the ones I wanted to wear are a no no. So this year I decided that I wasn't going to do my typical halloween issues and dress up out of my norms and it worked I had fun. That was the important part of the evening.

Finally

I finally have a job I work 5 days a week and I go to school the other 2 days I went from not doing nothing to being busy as hell. I have so much work piling up because I owed work from before I started the job and now I owe that plus the new amount.

Recap for the month of October...

Love Life: It sucks.

The kid is out of the picture I punched him in the face, I wasn't in the right mind state.

The guy in buffalo is also out of the picture he stopped writing so I stopped writing too.

The ex is kinda like out of focus I would say.

The fling is over he just kept stating thats all it is and was to arrogant to deal with so he's out too.

I had a crush. I told him I had a crush. And that's how far it got nothing more.

School: Sucks.

I have over slept through classes and dismissed others. If I miss one more senior seminar class I will be dropped from the class and I will be one semester behind for graduation. It would suck if because of sleeping through my alarm one more time I will have an extra semester I can not afford to take, I will not be able to graduate.

Money: Still Sucks but getting better.

I finally have a job so I can be stable some how in my life.

Friends: Cosi Cosi (italian: so so)

Group A: It's pretty good but I feel like something is going on between my friends and when everything is out in the open it's not gonna be nice at all. 

Group B: IDK. With one person in the group things are getting back to before but just with that one person.

Family: Distant.

Mental Updating

I haven't really spoke on some stuff I have on my mind right now besides this whole death thing. I find myself a very insecure person and I am extremely sensitive but I have to make a stand at some point. I love my friends they are the greatest people in my life right now. I love them and they apparently love me too. I am closer with one than the other. She is very blunt and honest. These are characteristics that other people might hate but these are the things I love about her whatever she has to say she says it. Recently I have had the feeling that I usually get that I annoy her and usually I ask her and she just gets more annoyed. I feel like everything I say or do is stupid and most of the time I tell her something she becomes very defensive for no reason. I don't know how to approach her on this issue and it's starting to bother me. The point is that right now I feel like I need her more than I have ever had before but I don't know how to ask because I don't know how to put it in words and I don't know what I need. So how can she help me?

I feel like my friends advice always helps me it gives me two great minds to look at things with. But its very hard to read them (apparently I'm an open book) on things like when they feel sad, mad, or ok. Things that when your close to people you should know but I feel like I don't know these things and its getting hard to look them and feel like their friend. I love them and losing their friendship would be devastating which is why I'm dreading graduation.

p.s. If you read this I need a hug that might do it I don't know...

Work Pile-Up

Before the death of my aunt, I had a lot of work to do. Now I've just been super depressed I can't explain it I haven't left my apartment unless I have had too. I was in bed all day today and didn't go to any of my classes, I didn't do any work, nothing. I haven't done shit and it's not getting better. Tomorrow I have a funeral service to attend and I have a feeling its not gonna go well but what funeral has an up side to it.

Guilt

I cant help but feel guilty. I was raised upon the moral that one was not suppose to party or listen to music up to 9 days after the death of a loved one. For some people (like me) this a way of grieving. Listening to music is something I do everyday, when I walk somewhere, get dressed, do work everything. I have felt really bad about me breaking this and I have had some harsh dreams I feel its my subconscious punishing me for the belief of a social oppressor.

Death in the family...

I'm sorry I know I have abandoned my blogging for the last couple days today was the first day I have actually been online. I have been going through it recently, more than my usual amount. My aunt passed away this Wednesday and though I have always been down and unmotivated this death has shown me that no matter how you live your life happiness always ends in sadness. I have grown up hating myself and still do. 

My aunt was the complete opposite. She must have weighted about 450 pounds and was always happy always saw the better side of things. I wish i could have asked her how was she so happy though she was the pun of most jokes and how she over came that. I wonder how she could deal with those looks of pity and disgust?

I always being told I would be just like her and to me thats still a bad thing. Her physical appearance to was gross but her inner beauty is what I lay at night and wish for. 

Italian

I'm learning how to be fluent in italian but that's not really working.

I want a new camera so I can be a real artistic photographer

uhhh Mondays...

I have the Monday downfalls. Don't you just hate that after a great weekend you get a poopy of a week? Though my week has just started it doesn't make sense but I just hate mondays only the tv shows I watch do it for me.

I must admit I dont know how to act at times but some people don't realize how they act and don't care about it thats not me. Things eat me up inside and I feel hurt when I shouldn't but thats my personality I understand not everyone is like me but how can people be so cold?

New Tattoo...

I have just realized how weak I am. I just got a new tattoo well its half of a tattoo today and it seems to me that I can not with stand pain from needles and I hate them so that might be a part of it but I doubt it. I went with my bestfriend to get a tattoo she was getting 2 stars I drew a couple years ago that I have never been able to redo. I don't know if its cuz she has so many tattoos or because I'm weak with needles, but she was just sitting there like if it was nothing. Me smh, I wish I was bitting myself to redirect the pain.

I went to get the words "REGRET NOTHING" on each of my ankles. So far I have "NOTHING" on my left ankle covering a small scar. I love the ideas I have had. This is only half of the tattoo so I have to go back. I think the sound of the needle bothers me too. So I dont know how long I'm considering to continue with tattoos as of now its 3 but I gotta go get the other half done sometime this week but I have about 2 tattoos left. I think I choose words because they are small but find the right placement is the worst thing ever idk where else I have one wrist left lol. I think justice on my other wrist but I doubt it lol.

Now They All Show Up! SMH!

My love life sucks so I'm gonna sum up all the situations that have all came up from Friday to Saturday between 4:30 pm to 6:00 am each is labeled.
Buffalo: We have a lot in common he's cute and has a future ahead of him (career wise not a job there is a difference.) Unsure if he wants the real thing or another fling I'm up for either.
The Kid: He is just that fun to flirt with and entertaining I'm not attracted to him in anyway but I can control him, he's chasing me.
The Ex: He pops up into the picture leaves a fingerprint and leaves. I don't think I will ever like him like I did before.
The Fling: Awww he started off good then changed up on me. He is OK looking his personality was aggressive and he wasn't scared to be honest and I was very honest with him the most I have ever been. We argue but the make-up is the best, the regular is the best so its good all around.

They all popped into the picture this weekend I just didn't even make any moves because right now I'm alone but I'm not in need these guys all try to use me in some way except for the kid he's one who doesn't careless.

As of right now only 2 are in the game. Buffalo I want long term with. The fling I wanna ride out till it lasts. The others are just floating opportunities.

Party time...

Got the brugie ready!!! Lets see how bad the night turns. Right now its just me going. I think if so that will suck!!! How will I get home in one piece?

wow...

I have just realized my herbal intake for the day 4 in 5 hrs is to much. I turn into pudding lol.

All Over Again..

Ahhhh!!! I just wanna scream!

All my shows for Monday nights are back on and with them came all my anxiety and fucked up feelings. I feel so empty and unmotivated to do anything... I'm trying to get excited about stuff but it's not working. Last night I didn't sleep. I was awake from 11:30 am to 9:20 am. I was gonna stay up longer but saw no point so I just forced myself to sleep. I'm gonna try a diet and taking my meds again. I started already I hope I lose some weight maybe it'll help.

Line up...

Listening to: Gym Class Heroes-Coming Clean
Opinion: I think this is honest and who doesn't love honesty... or Travis McCoy...it's a win win situation.

My Monday Nights are back YAY!!! Growing up I always thought that families at some point are suppose to have at least one moment together but the more I look at my past this didn't really exist. Now I'm in college and I have an extra family. they are honest care and important to me. They provide a stability that I need they give me that at home and togetherness feeling that I yearned for as a kid and I love them for them...if that makes sense.

7am!!!!!!!!!

It's 7 am I have not slept and have really done nothing all day. I am not motivated to do anything. I do not have a job and I'm starting to think that this whole me staying in my apartment all day doing nothing sucks I'm just up being reminded of why my life sucks more and more everyday. I'll keep ya posted... I'll be back before Gossip Girl. HEROES IS BACK ON YAY!!!!! 2 new episodes!!!!!!!!!!

Best Place Ever?

I love Apple bees it's one of my favorite places to go to cheer myself up. So today we went on a small expedition to Apple bees. I must admit it .... sucked. I hated the food and it really ruined it for me. They have also rasied the prices. Its like damn I don't visit for a couple months and you go and turn your back on my I'll go to the Chesse Cake Factory anyday...

Random Drunkness

I have a very weak stomach but I can drink a lot. As some might know liqour has a very distinct taste so i prevent my self from getting wasted i do enjoy the drinks but I never come out my face. I will get drunk one of these days unannounced and alone and see what happens.

....

Listening to: Your Call -Secondhand Serenade

Waiting for your, call I’m sick, call I’m angry, call I’m desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember Butterfly,
Early Summer It’s playing on repeat,
Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet
I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take when you are sitting next to me
Will bring life into my deepest hopes,
What’s your fantasy?(What’s your, what’s your…)
I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
And I’m tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
(I know everything you wanted isn’t anything you have)
I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
I was born to tell you I love you and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn’t anything you have)

Really

I may look happy on the outside, but if you felt like i feel on the inside you would understand...

So Me..

I love this. It's a lost soul taking a chance and is almost sure to be hurt, but they do it anyway. Out of need. Out of desperation. Out of love. It is a hard path they walk and they walk it alone.

Handicapped Ernie

Listening To: Gym Class Heroes-Live Forever (Fly with me)

Opinion: I love this song it is on my top 3 songs out right now...

Teddies don’t hug back, but sometimes they’re all you’ve got.

Teddies were born for Love, unconditional Love. When everything else fails, the Teddy is there.

Teddies don’t hug back, but sometimes they’re all you’ve got.

Ernie, from sesame street is now a retired vet from The Poor Choice War. He is recovering. It was from a herbal complication that occurred in a tug of war battle. It was my fault I caused a situation because I thought it was funny. I didn't intend for it to rip but it was old. I deserved for it to happen for being a dick but I didn't expect that rage.

It hurt a little I didn't know how to feel I still don't I don't expect an apology or a replacement cuz it was my fault and I wouldn't want one. It was like the only thing I had ever won on my own, it was the last good time from dead friendships and it was the only thing that kept me company when everything goes wrong, it was the only dependable thing that was there unconditional.

I know no one else liked it so I was willing to dump it. I was currently just keep it until I could replace it with something that others could appreciate as well but now it only reminds me of an unsure time and the bad friendships I don't even want to look at it anymore.

UGHHHH!!!!

Listening to: If It Makes You Happy- Sheryl Crow
Opinion: I love this song no one can just listen and not sing along...

I don't know everyone is kinda happy I guess except for me for no reason. I partied twice this weekend drank and everything but yet again still bummed. Since Friday, I have felt sad and all alone I know story of my life. My friends all party and we are all together but I'm always the one with a face, I can't explain it.

I'm always the one that's only seen as a friend never anything else. I party with them just to go. In reality I go to these parties and just act like a tag along, the supervisor or I'm just hugging the wall. I dance from time to time but that's with guys that are just doing me the favor or like my friends. I try to tell my friends at time but I don't even want to mention it anymore, because its just my own personal problem.

I spent most of the party last night looking for them. I was just sitting alone letting my thoughts consume me. I go looking for them with no luck on my way back to my crib I receive a call from this kid who likes my friend he knew I was looking for them he tells me they are back at the party in fact they never left. Once I walk back in they are partying like "O Hey!!!" I tell them I have been looking for them and all I get is an "O" I love how searching for two drunk girls at a party full of off campus I get an "O"

Thanks for reaffirming my theories on if I were invisible or dead probably a week would go by before anyone noticed I was gone....

I desperately hope I'm wrong....

Back.... Room Remodeled

Ok I'm back for real people. Right now i have about 5 day weekends and though it sounds good its not. I'm a broke ass college student that has internet access all day long and nothing to do. So I have decide to follow this whole blogging thing for a very long time I'm guessing. So now the cyber world has to deal with me! Everyday I will add the song I'm listening to as I write some old some new just keep a look out.

Listening to: The Foo Fighters - Tired of you
Opinion: Dope song it was featured in I Think I Hate My Wife starring Chris Rock and Keri Washington. The movie was ok had like 2 or 3 funnys but other than that it was ok.

So people I have just remodeled my single so that 2 people can live here and have a large space let me just say this worked out great. I would post a picture but I lost the card reader for my memory card but I can plug my phone in but thats mad work.

Did You Know That Pringle Potato Chips Are NOT Potato Chips?

We Learn something new everyday...

Did You Know That Pringle Potato Chips Are NOT Potato Chips?http://www.smallbizmentor.com/ 2008/ 07/ did_you_know_that_pringle_pota.html

Well, it's official - Pringles potato chips are not potato chips at all. Here's a riddle for you. What looks like a Pringles potato chip, tastes like a Pringles potato chip and is shown on the Pringles website which proclaims Fun information site from the maker of Pringles potato chips? If you're guess is a Pringles potato chip, you're wrong! Huh? The Tax Prof Blog reports that a London judge saved Pringles 17.5% in tax, ruling that what we call chips are not potato chips at all, but potato snacks. Procter & Gamble's lawyers claimed at a May hearing that Pringles don't look like a chip, don't feel like a chip, and don't taste like a chip, according to the judgment.

feeling for the day

Happy Bday USA!

GOOD morning America on your BDay (I see a smiley face there do you?) It's your day you old whore thanks for having us here even though you don't like us!

DUDE!!!

It's a new me...

I've been think things through and I'm gonna be a more confident person. So what you guys think? I'm in a good mood.

New Layout!!!!

It took me 45mins to get this layout to work! 10mins was making the header and the rest of it was the coding. The coding on here sucks! I need an easier answer people let me know what you think any changes let me know dudes!

Today I have realized that me and my friends should make a TV show i think i will start recording everything becasue just watching TV together is entertaining who knows it might even take us somewhere ... lol ... don't shit on my new hope.

DR! DR! DR! DR! DR!

I have returned from my vacation I spent an awesome time!

I saw a lot of shit i didnt want to see and I saw some actions that I shouldn't have seen. Some true sides showed once again why do i trust people knowing it's not gonna work for me. SMH @ myself I should have known better.

BTW what happened in DR, stays in DR.

Ridiculous Ink

So today I went to the nail place just to accompany some folks to get pedicures. While I'm sitting in the back there is a lady in 15 different shades of blue tank top shorts and flip flops everything blue, anyway as she walks towards th back to wash her hands I realize something bue and black on her stomach the more she walks towards me the more clear it becomes. As she walked the image came into focus my reaction was "O-M-G! Why do i have to suffer for others mistakes?!?!" this lady had a large blue and pink butterfly under her belly button it was a good tattoo but was it nessecary to flash everyone jezz!

Vacation!!!

Sorry people I was on vacation and I'm back for a week but then vacation again!!! Dominican Republic here I come your 5 days away

The Madness is Here!!!!

retarded pancakes and shirt battles

Slacking...

I missed alot of days but I'm back I'm slacking badly.