never fails...

I tried to spare one of the most important people to me feel bad cuz i know she feels bad about something and at the end of the day what happens she gets hurt anyway. If I am so lucky why do I always fuck up when it counts?

And now shes mad. I try and i ALWAYS fuck it up...

Kamakazie Crazy

The bestie is still in town until Monday or Sunday so we headed towards Harlem to Cruise the streets ... jk nah we went to our friend's crib to meet up with a group to go to Soho together. While we were there we watched Denver get smacked by the Lakers (upset smh, I hate Kobe). Anyways so the plan was to all ride the train together and pre-game on the way there wrong! People decided to drive to Harlem so there were 2 cars. Now there were 5 girls who came together in one car and then the rest of us were gonna squeeze into a Honda Accord o_o . I made the comment that if we don't fit I would just go home and call it a night. So that everyone could go and make it there the bestie and our friend Kaz decided to take the train. I volunteered to take the train being that I was the one that had the issue and was probably just gonna leave. I hate making how I feel about something an issue for others idk how to explain it. any ways we rode the train and got there before the 2 cars.
We get to the club and waited for everyone to show up while waiting we find out there were only four 21 yr old in the group of 12. So we chilled by the door for awhile and got distracted. Due to the fact that we were surrounded by bars and the 19- girls didn't know how to act, so the 3 musketeers (kaz, the bestie, and me) crashed a private party next door. It was the brightest idea we had all night. We walked straight to the bar and went Kamakzie Crazy and had the best bartender ever, well right after Brad, (EAST, Asian guy at Santuary T) and topped that last call at 1:15 with a birthday cake shot... By now our friend JP ended up taking "the children" as he said to a club in mid-town, upset SMH I would have given them directions and said by.
The hunt for the new outting was on and we kinda lost Kaz on the mission (he left with his boys) so we met up with Nick & Steven who were a couple blocks over. They were smashed, we were almost smashed, so we were on the move. We hit my new fave spot, thanks to the SPers, 123 burger shots and beers. There the bestie and I downed another 4 Kamakazie each and I did one shot as a BudKazie bomb (trademarked!!!) as I like to call it. And then I was down for the count I don't remember the train ride past 96th street.

Just One of Those Days

So today was one of those days that I dwell on all my problems and pity myself. All day long all I have done is sit and think of these problems that I have created for myself and I am either to scared or unmotivated to do something about... I can't blame anyone but myself for these things I know.

I'm not gonna lie I thought some crazy things today and thought of who would be affected and only came up with five. The worst thing about it was that nothing happened to make me feel that way. The last couple days mentally have taken a toll on me I must admit but once again these are "personal issues":
1. I need new friends/time fillers
My hobbies need to all change except photography, but why new friends you ask...
My bestie lives outta state (not talking jersey here lol) but though she will be around a lot this summer well it seems like it, I'm pretty sure she will enjoy the distance between us. The other bestie I haven't seen since the day after graduation and I miss her but she likes doing her own thing plus she got other stuff to deal with. They both do actually. The old bestie is in her own lil universe. And the cuzo has recently been struck by cupid lol and I'm sure sometime next week she will begin to occupy herself to prevent from showing how its effecting her. And thats about it. They are the only people I chill enough with that would even matter at this point.
2. Getting a J-O-B!
I called a couple places, filled applications, went to some places, but of course they dont even call me back. What pisses me off is that people think I don't put effort into this. MEMO: it's not as easy as it is for you for everyone else.
3. Money
I'm tired of asking for it, depending on those around me. I'm gonna just chill in my house though that will kill me because I am broke. I already owe like 100 bucks.
4. Selling these damn Coraline Dunks
I don't even want them but I don't want to get less than 300 for such a rare pair of sneakers.
5. Parents
Don't you just hate them sometimes??? It's like nothing you do is ever good enough...Everything is a damn problem and they dont realize shit changes...

Is it true?

One of my favorite people told me jokingly something that i have secretly thought for a long time. "We only deal with you because your always with her..."that was like a stab to the chest. It was a joke but jokes do sting and that kinda touched home but of course I just sucked it up (no homo lol)and kept it moving.

I'm the extra package to everyone they despise having me around ...

I feel bad...

This is nothing new, but my mom was being a bitch for no reason. Shit in my house is getting uncomfortable and I'm getting super upset. It's like is it really that big of a fucking issue, is it?

The I'm sorrys

When I say I will keep comments to myself its harder than it seems there arre certain things that I can not stop myself from doing. One of these things is apologizing. I Apologize so much because it just slips out sometimes because its my constant feeling I apologize to everyone and though it upsets people I can help it. I have the same arguement about this and its getting me upset because it's like say whatever you gotta say and understand that apologizing is one of my flaws I dont purposely say it I'm mid way through the word and realize what I am doing. So at this point we are both tired of hearing the same shit. Your tired of sorry and im tired of stopping myself mid way through the word in which you already for see coming. I'm keeping a sorry count.

Phones

My phone is cut again but I actually want a new phone. I have secretly wanted this phone since christmas I hated on it because I couldn't afford it but fuck it I have given into it. The thing is I can't afford the one I have now how can I have this new one shrugs.

Damnit

I'm tired of being broke I'm tired of others paying for my stuff ok dealing with all this shit in my house idk what I'm gonna do

Time

Use it wisely you'll never get it back... That's why time I spend with people I love is so important to me but the people I want to chill with don't want to chill with me its kinda sad I perfer to be alone than a bother I'm gonna cancel my phone and be a total loner mark my words september is the end of my tmobile

...

I feel like some people are speaking to me just cuz they can't avoid it but I can see when I'm no longer important it hurts and its simple just tell me to fuck off and don't speak to you don't just act like I'm not there or I'm just extra nonsense you deal with

Dumb Bitches

I don't remember if I had made a post about this topic... Dumb Bitches. The premise behind it is basically females that stay with there significant other after they have been wronged by them so many times, expect their old habits to go away and take all the other persons crap for no damn reason at all.

So right now I have one of those friends she is with this dude that she knows she shouldn't be with but is "unable" to let him go. Like seriously dude...she's the first person to say o when you with a nigga like that you should just leave him he's no good for you and he's a bum and worthless..... But now she's in that position she's supporting her son herself and her boyfriend. SMH why?!?!!! Its so fucking dumb! I told her all of this and she just feed me excuses the dude lives off of her and then he has the nerve to get mad and be upset smh that shit is played out she's his new ex girlfriend

Nice-ness

I over do being nice I know I try my best to make my guests happy and entertained. Most of the time I drown then in nice and its not always a good thing but I love doing it.

The bestie is here for a week and I'm trying to make it nice, chill and entertaining but it doesn't seem to work. I'll just give her, her space which is kinda hard to do in my house cuz there's always people aroumd but probably just staying away will do it. I don't want to bombard her with my dumbness all day.

Goal

I made up my mind I'm moving out hopefully by the end of the summer its time to get a good job and save money so I can pay off bills and pay rent here comes the real world

So...

Things I said I wouldn't do I did and I don't really even care.

As of today the old jess is going to be buried somewhere nice for a while because I'm gonna be like trey songz said "brand new fresh out the box" I'm tired of being nice and getting snapped at or treated like I'm nothing a nobdy. This is going to be hard but people will finally be happy... O wait I'm back home they should already be happy they don't have to deal with me no more ...

Class of '09

As of friday I am an offical graduate of the class of 09... And as exciting as I thought it would be I was wrong its not at all its the same shit different day... Still broke.
No Job.
In debt.
That's life.

ahhhh...

I just hit a downward spiral.
I don't know how to explain it.
I went to talk to a friend but they seemed occupied at the moment and I didn't want to cockblock. Especially with whatever i'm going through and the comments I always get about smothering.

On another note the person that has had me very occupied(blame him for the missing blogs)just like dropped me off the face of the earth really quick it went from every ten seconds to an entire day of no comments, but fuck that nigga he got a girl already.

My nephew is visiting but I feel bad for him but then again I don't.
I just want him to leave right now but its 3:18 AM and he's not even in my room. He took over the besties room. He loves her too. She been fams...

Graduation is 3 days away shrugs not as happy as i thought....

Twisted

AirKarina hit us up the other day to go to a club so last night we went we partied and now were wasted!!! I feel like puking .,
Sent via BlackBerry from T-Mobile

1 week

In exactly 1 week life for the last 4yrs will be over. Graduation is right there and my worries are gone. Cap and gown chilling on the hanger and nothing but doubts and debts about the real world.

I'm worried...though I know I don't have to be, but that still doesn't mean I don't feel that way. I've gone through the process of separating from friends and they are gone. And I see them whenever I'm home and it's never gonna be the same. So the break is coming and all I can think of is shit really gonna be the same.

Who knows whats gonna happen I'm hoping that by the end of the summer my life has some stability and by new years I want to have moved out my house.

Nigga ... YOU GAY...ALL HOMO

Funniest shit I have seen in the last 2 weeks
SMH.

NBA Playoffs

I hate the NBA palyoffs they mess up my TV shows SMH.

But either way I'm hoping DENVER Smacks the MAVS back to fucking 2000
and the LAKERS to get knocked too

WTF

How the fuck did I become a heartbreaker?!?!
Its impossible. But for the last couple days dudes
I don't speak to nomore hit me up calling me a heartbreaker!

The weather is warmer now and niggas just been hitting me up.

Main Question:

WHERE WERE YOU 4MONTHS AGO?!?!

Missing In Action....

You wanna know how you know I have mad work....
cuz my blog hasnt been posted in since april 27th